Friday, 24 April 2015

Rule #258: Change purse

First off, if you're a dude and you carry anything that ends in "purse".... wrong!
Snoop! You're lettin me down Dogg.

 
But I don't care who you are, really. If you're the type that has to organize your change into separate compartments, zip up that special little mini fort knox while holding up a line of people the whole time, then you sir, or madam are inconsiderate. The new world is all about common sense and consideration for fellow people. Aint no one got time for dat!


You have time to correct this behavior. I suggest you start now, because in the new world there will be consequences and repercussions for this action. It's attitudes like this that got us into this predicament in the first place. We're mad as hell and we're not
going to take it anymore! How much time is lost waiting in line for someone to wait until they know the total of their purchase, THEN take out their special little change purse, pay, wait for the change, THEN sort it all and put it away neatly before trodding off to their next annoying activity. Personally, I would like to have Dr. Phillip Buttersworth stationed at every checkout counter and when this behavior is observed, he will slap your change purse out of your hand with an upward motion, scattering your precious change all over the place while everyone else laughs and points. However, I must be getting soft in my old age, so we will observe the following:



In the new world, the standard checkout process will be, walk up to the counter with money in hand, pay, accept change and walk away to sort your money elsewhere.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!


Thursday, 23 April 2015

Rule #259: Never too late

What a lovely concept. It's so nice to give people inspiration to Live life to the fullest. To follow their dreams. To reach for the brass ring. Because really, it's never too late. I love it! Actually I have inspired myself. I always wanted to ride in the tour de France, so I'm going to quit my job, start training real hard because it's never too... wait a minute. My hips are pretty junked at 45 and I guess I do need money from my job. Hmmmmmm.

 

Well, OK. That's one thing out of a billion that it's too late for. But
everything else in the world is ready for the taking. This is going to be awesome. I'm going to be the youngest guy in the world to play in the NHL. YEAH! I'm going to blow everyone away. I'm getting my hockey gear out of the garage tomorrow and... wait a minute. How old was the youngest player to play in the NHL? Do you think he was older than 45? Hmmmmm.

Come to think of it, there may be a couple of things it's too late for. Let me see if I can think of a few....

Carve my kids height on a door trim every year of their life.... Too late 
Discover insulin.... Too late
Grow an afro.... Too late (yes, I'm follicly challenged now)
Never make one mistake as a parent.... Too late
Want an egg mcmuffin at 11:01?.... Too late
Be the first man on the moon.... Too late
Ride a dinosaur.... Too late
Invent the wheel.... Too late
See Frankie Venom live.... Too late
Steven Tyler not to be a tool.... Too late
Be the founder of Microsoft.... Too late
Enjoy fresh, clean air in downtown Hong Kong.... Too late

WOW... It's never too late... what a bunch of bullshit!

In the new world, "it's never too late" will be replaced with:

 "50% of the time, it's too late, every time"



AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Rule #260: Kids on vacation

It's called a vacation... for everyone!

If you like to vacation with your kids, far out, man. But I have some startling news for you. I DON'T like to vacation with your kids. Sorry, dude. I’m sure your kids are fantastic (not really) but I don’t want to hear them scream and throw stuff around like a bunch of animals when I'm trying to relax.
 
The worst offenders seem to get drawn to the all inclusive resorts like terrorists to a fertilizer plant. Parents seem to think “all inclusive” means “giant babysitting park.” It aint like that. Keep your kids under control and out of the adult pool.

I know what you're thinking "Go book an adults only resort next time, you cranky old bastard.” Fair enough. I think I will. But hear this before I go, just because it’s not an adults only resort doesn’t mean it’s a “kids only” resort. If you want to spoil your kids and let them act like idiots, take them to Disney land or some other place I’d never step foot in. If you wouldn't take your ten year old out to the bar with you, what makes you think it's alright to bring them to the swim up bar?


Then there's the flight home. At least I can get some rest on the 5 hour flight home to catch up on sleep and reminisce over the good times and great memories we just created, right? NAY! After 7 days of avoiding your kids, now I have the unprecedented pleasure of listening to them whine, cry and kick my seat all the way home.
It's called a vacation... for everyone!

In the new world, all kids under 18 will be fitted with a special wrist band that has a small transmitter and if they go within 50 yards of the pool bar, they will receive a small electric shock.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Rule #261: Bullied suicide

To give credit where credit is due, PM Harper made a good point the other day. The word "bullying" conjures images of mean kids pushing other kids or making harmless fun of someone wearing glasses (the kind of "bullying" we used to see many moons ago). It was never right and should never be tolerated, but the stories we see in the news that are labeled "Bullying" are actually criminal activity. Pushing someone to the brink is more a form of harassment or assault. It's wrong to label it as bullying.

I think it's also wrong to blame a youth suicide on "bullying". If a young person takes their life because they are being "bullied", there are deeper issues. And if we focus all our efforts on bringing the bully to justice so they don't bully anyone again, we're missing the opportunity to find out what the real problem was. A young person who commits suicide could be dealing with anything from abuse at home to undiagnosed clinical depression or a million other things. There is no way it's solely because of the bullying or harassment or assault or whatever you want to call it. And if we want to prevent future incidents of teen suicide, we need to dig for the real issue. Children who even consider suicide should have resources to help and it's up to us, as a society to provide and make these resources available.



In the new world, I'm sure rule #1 can solve our bullying issue, but any teen suicide will be investigated for the mental issues that truly exist.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 20 April 2015

Rule #262: Dog poop

It's just gross. What are we going to do about this? I think my beef with this is that I really like dogs, but I cannot stand dog shit. Therefore, I am in a pickle. There must be a solution. We should be able to create a dog food that disintegrates in the dogs digestive system. Food goes in, nothing comes out. If that were the case, I'd probably own a dog. But it would have to be one that didn't bark. Or shed. Or stink. Or slobber. Man, we're going to have some busy dog scientists in the NEW WORLD. GET THE SCIENTISTS WORKING ON THE DOG TECHNOLOGY IMMEDIATELY!

In the new world, 15% of space exploration scientists will be reassigned to the new dog technology.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Rule #263: Just a thin slice

Here's the scene: You're at a party, kids or adults, doesn't matter and just when you finish the ceremonious cake cutting, a barely audible voice rises up through the party air.... "Just a thin slice for me". COME ON! It's a party. You get the same portion as everyone else. If you don't want it, sneak it to the dog. Or give it to the fat kid. I'm not taking orders for steak here.

 Maybe I feel this way ever since that incident with the cafeteria worker at the scouts camp I went to as a kid. They warned us ahead of time. "If you say you don't like something, you'll get extra." So, when the fat, old, cranky, ugly cafeteria lady went to dump peas on my plate, the words had barely left my mouth... "I don't like peas" (what was I thinking?)... We locked eyes. At that point, I could have lived the rest of my life without those 4 words if had the chance to take them back. Her eyes slightly squinted, mine opened wide. And then it happened... she tightened her grip on that scooper and lifted the biggest load of peas you've ever seen on my plate - ON TOP OF THE LOAD I ALREADY HAD! It took all my strength to keep the plate from hitting the floor. But I digress.


In the new world, anyone who says they just want a tiny piece of the cake, has to eat the whole thing... THEN, go out and get another cake for everyone else.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!
I hate peas to this day!

Saturday, 18 April 2015

Rule #264: Texting and driving

Creating a rule on this one is moot point. It's already against the law. It's the mentality of people that we have to address.

Can I be honest with you? Talking on a phone while driving really aint that bad. But TEXTING is just plain suicide! No one can focus on driving safe while texting. You can't even tell when it's time to go when the light changes.

What can so important that you have to send a text while driving? Nothing! that's what. How do I know this? Well, let's see. Texting didn't become a replacement for actually talking until about 10 years ago or less and people actually got around just fine. I know, I sound like a cranky old man. But there's a reason for that. I AM A CRANKY OLD MAN! And if ye youngins don't get dat galldang contraption outta yer hands when yer drivin', I'm gonna get a ...  piece.... of...... and ..... come..... (looooong snore).
Actually as a cyclist I see it everywhere. From all walks of life. But say what you like, guess which demographic I witness as the worst offenders... I won't say for fear of offending young girls.


Because the rules are already in place to control this behavior, we have to ramp things up.




In the new world, anyone caught texting and driving will have their license suspended for a week. Second offense a month. Third offense is a year.

all young drivers will also have to watch this video.
(although focused on impaired driving, I think it gets the message across)
 
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!