Sunday, 21 December 2014

Rule #17: Multi-use helmets

If you’re half the athlete I am, you probably have a shit-ton of safety equipment lying around. I’m probably the #1 snowboarder, top hockey player and fastest cyclist in my town. That means I have pads, skates, sticks, gloves, glasses, goggles, special shoes, jock straps and helmets. Three different helmets. Most of the equipment is sport specific, but what’s up with helmets? Is a bike helmet really any different from a snowboard helmet? If you’re going to reference that little clip on the back of a snowboard helmet that keeps your goggles on, forget about it. First of all, if you bike in the winter you need goggles anyway. Secondly, if you only bike in the summer, I’m sure that little clip aint gonna cause you no harm. Why the hell can’t bike and snowboard helmets be interchangeable? The spill you would take in either sport seems like it would be similar. Except, of course you’re not likely to get run over by a car on a ski hill. For that matter, I think one helmet could do for snowboarding, biking and hockey. One cool looking helmet for all sports.

It a friggin’ conspiracy, I tells ya! Those damn corporations are sticking it to us again, trying to tell us what we need. And we’re all like; “Oh yeah, I can’t wear my snowboard helmet on my bicycle, that’s ridiculous.” Whatever dude. Who gave these corporation heads this all-knowing noggin knowledge anyway? Once again I can see those fat, suit wearing, scotch sipping, cigar puffing, money mongering, grey beard wearing, no exercise getting, lobster eating, Cadillac driving, mansion owning, butler hiring, over consuming business execs, … I forgot where I was going with that. Oh yeah, I can just see them sitting around the over sized, oak trimmed, high ceiling board room, laughing about all the extra profits they’re going to make because they’ve fooled us into thinking we need these specialized helmets for everything we do. Why do they have to be such jerks? They should be using their big, grey haired, over sized heads to help us live happier lives. Not screw us over.

What’s next? A coat for walking and one for strolling?  Pants for sitting and pants for standing? Well I’ve had it with this type of corporate corruption. I’m going to develop an all purpose helmet, market the shit out of it and put all those fat, suit wearing, scotch sipping, cigar puffing, money mongering, grey beard wearing, no exercise getting, lobster eating, Cadillac driving, mansion owning, butler hiring, over consuming business execs out of business! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! And when I make millions I’ll be able to get fat and afford good suits, scotch, cigars, lobster, Cadillacs, mansions, hire a butler…. For now, I’ll just wear my snowboard helmet on my bike.

In the new world, there will be a CSA approved multi use helmet.


Saturday, 20 December 2014

Rule #18: Getting stuck on the ski lift

Everyone loves getting stuck half way up the ski lift, right? What’s that? You hate it? (enter deep announcer voice) WELL NOT ANYMORE! Not with the 365 Rules; rule #18. From now on, if a ski lift is stuck for more than 15 minutes, a small service cable will be deployed that will deliver free beer to each and every lift passenger. Every 15 minutes this cable will be re-deployed. What could make being stuck on a ski lift more enjoyable than free beer?  That’s right, nothing!
Just imagine passing the time away with your seatmate over a nice cold beer. You can pretend you’re in the most prestigious bar in the world. So prestigious, in fact that everyone gets their own cable car to took out at the scenery. Everyone’s always looking for an adventure these days. Sounds good to me.
Free beer can make even the crankiest son of a bitch lighten up. Unless of course you have the misfortune of getting stuck beside some cranky old fart who doesn’t drink and is pissed at the world because he spent ten years as a glory hole cleaner at the heavy petting zoo. But what are the chances? I don’t think too many cranky people go snowboarding or skiing. They’re all at home getting their snow blowers ready and complaining about kids who don’t wear hats.
I can’t wait for my first ski lift breakdown in the New World. The same concept would work for roller coasters as well. Unless you get stuck upside down in the loop. But what about the ferris wheel? Come to think of it, they should serve beer on the ferris wheel everyday.

In the new world, free beer will be served on ski lifts during break downs.

Friday, 19 December 2014

Rule #19: Factory farming

A factory farm is a large-scale industrial operation that houses thousands of animals raised for food—such as chickens, turkeys, cows, and pigs—and treats them with hormones and antibiotics to prevent disease and maximize their growth and food output. You have to see it to grasp the gravity of the situation. It's worth checking into.
Dairy cows are given huge amounts of hormones in order to produce more milk. This means they’re milked way more than they were meant to be and the result is milk filled with infected puss and blood before it’s filtered.
The videos are unbelievable. Live chickens are handled like garbage. Workers grab chickens as fast as they can by the feet, haul them as fast as possible out of the cage and throw them into large bins with a small opening. The speed at which they work does not allow a lot of time for precision chicken placement. They smash their bodies and heads off the side of the bin constantly, sometimes decapitating them.
Sows (female breeding pigs) are raised in stalls so narrow the sow cannot turn around. This causes weak bones, wasted muscles, heart damage and excruciating cuts and abrasions. Poor air quality causes lung infections and other respiratory problems. I’ve seen videos of farm workers cutting the nuts off a new born pig. Mutilations like this are usually carried out without anesthetic and often lead to prolonged pain. You can tell by the screaming that the pig is not digging it.
The list of animal cruelty issues goes on and on, but there’s a whole list of environmental issues associated with factory farms as well. Confining so many animals in one place produces much more waste than the surrounding land can handle, polluting the water, land and air. The pollution from animal waste causes respiratory problems, skin infections, nausea, depression and even death for people who live near factory farms. Hog, chicken and cattle waste has polluted 35,000 miles of rivers in 22 states and contaminated groundwater in 17 states.

Basically, it’s a horrific, disgusting, sadistic environment. If you ever have the misfortune to spend any amount of time around one of these farms, you’ll probably swear yourself off meat. It doesn’t have to be that way though. We can send a message to these places and have our bacon too. Just be mindful of where you buy and what farming methods they employ. However, if you ever see the videos of factory farms milking cows, you’ll probably never drink milk again. But that won’t hurt ya.
In the new world, animals will be farmed the good old-fashioned way… naturally.


Thursday, 18 December 2014

Rule #20: Affluenza

So we’ve let another spoiled brat off the hook on a morbidly retarded technicality. Being rich is now not only a free pass to abuse the environment, it's also a legal defense to commit murder. Nice!
Our latest subject – who’s name I will not mention based on the values I wrote about in rule #364 – was given a free pass after getting drunk on stolen beer, then driving his truck at 70 mph into a group of people fixing a flat tire on the side of the road. Cutting short the lives of 4 people who had stopped to help a stranger in need of help. The witness for the defense, a psychologist, said he "was the victim of a lifestyle of privilege and entitlement, raised without consequences for bad behavior". He got 10 years of probation.
So, let me get this straight (he said with squinted eyes while rubbing his forehead) “he was the victim of a lifestyle of privilege and entitlement, raised without consequences for bad behavior.” Now here we are, with the opportunity to finally teach him “consequences for bad behavior” but what do we do instead? Let him spend a few months in a pricey rehab center in Newport Beach, California – something more akin to a half-million dollar vacation paid for by his father. And this is supposed to teach him "consequences for bad behavior."?
Here’s what I say. Since the courts deemed his parents were to blame, lock them up for the 4 murders. Or, The next time this poor, abused child does something stupid, lock him, his defense lawyer, the judge and parents up in the same cell with him.
The affluenza type lifestyle used to belong to the top 1 percent that owns most of the nation’s financial wealth. But the behavior, just like a virus, has spread from there to the population at large.
The affluenza disease is spreading among all socio-economic groups. More families feel they can, and should, keep up with this conspicuous consumption at all cost. Kids of all demographics are raised to believe they deserve the latest and greatest must haves and luxury goods, from iPhones for five-year olds to the latest X-Box for 10-year olds, to designer handbags for teenage girls, regardless of what families can afford.
It’s a disturbing trend, and something to think about as we attempt to stuff more useless, undeserving shit from China under the tree this year.
In the new world, any lawyer that presents a ridiculous defense such as affluenza will be locked up with the defendant.

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Rule #21: Coal mining

I had no idea we still mined coal. Not on a grand scale anyway. I thought coal went out with crappy western movies and chastity belts. Apparently I was misinformed. I kinda figured our power came from wind, water, rainbows and unicorns. So it looks like your Christmas stocking is not safe after all.
The United States produces about 35%, or 1 billion tons, of the world's coal supply—more than any other country. The world’s largest producers and consumers of coal are China (go figure), Poland, Russia, India and the United States.
There’s a shit-ton of coal (about 200 years worth in America) so we can feel confidant that we can continue to mine it and be long gone before our kids have to clean up the mess and find another source of energy. And it’s cheap. So there’s lots of money to be made which is why we don’t have to worry about coal going anywhere soon. Unfortunately, It’s also dirty. Basically, coal is black, cheap and dirty. Kinda reminds me of an old girlfriend; “Laquisha von Chardonnay”. But I digress.
40% of human-caused co2 emissions are the result of burning coal and it’s the #1 source of man-made greenhouse gases. It should also be a major concern as the largest contributor to global warming. Coal mining involves the process of mountain top removal, which removes the topsoil leaving nothing but shale while the top of the mountain is dumped in valleys and rivers. It’s not impervious to environmental disasters either. One spill of toxic coal sludge in Tennessee resulted in a disaster twenty times larger than the Exxon Valdez spill.
Although an economically viable way of creating energy, the answer is not just finding a better, cleaner energy source, but reducing our dependency. We need to use less, consume less and burn less.

Also interesting:

  • The average coal miner is 45 years old and has 20 years of experience. 
  • Each person in the United States uses 3.8 tons of coal each year. 
  • Coal is black in colour.
  • I have never put coal in my kids stockings. Yet.

 In the new world, we will break up with dirty energy like coal the way I did with dirty "Laquisha von Chardonnay."

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Rule #22: Dealing with dementia

Dementia affects more than 35 million people worldwide, a number that is expected to nearly double every two decades. Health ministers from G8 countries are pledging to find a treatment or cure for the brain disease by 2025.
Those afflicted with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia often find it difficult to maintain what are considered normal daily activities. Remembering simple tasks such as writing a single paragraph in a blog article becomes difficult to remember.
Those afflicted with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia often find it difficult to maintain what are considered normal daily activities. Remembering simple tasks such as writing a single paragraph in a blog article becomes difficult to remember.
Once again I find myself as frustrated as a Mennonite electrician. It all comes down to diet and exercise - again. You see it in almost every article written about this disease. Yet what are we doing about it? Well I'm not the one to ask because I spend most nights drinking wine and beer and eating chips. Basically contributing to my own dementia. But I don’t remember learning about any of this in school – maybe because of my own dementia or inability to pay attention. It seems all the focus is on a cure. 15 gazillion dollars spent on finding a cure for a largely preventable disease. I say revamp early education by replacing useless crap like poetry with education about disease prevention. Understanding the risks of your actions is imperative.
Cardiovascular risk factors: Anything that damages blood vessels anywhere in your body can damage blood vessels in your brain, depriving brain cells of vital food and oxygen. You can help protect your brain with some of the same strategies that protect your heart – don't smoke and take steps to keep your blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar within recommended limits; and maintain a healthy weight.
Physical exercise: Regular physical exercise may help lower the risk of some types of dementia. Evidence suggests exercise may directly benefit brain cells by increasing blood and oxygen flow to the brain.
Diet: What you eat may have its greatest impact on brain health through its effect on heart health. The best current evidence suggests that heart-healthy eating patterns, such as relatively little red meat, whole grains, fruits and vegetables, fish and shellfish, and nuts, olive oil and other healthy fats.
It’s time we started putting a bigger emphasis on teaching prevention in schools and at the doctors’ office.

In the new world, there will be more focus on health in the education system.


Monday, 15 December 2014

Rule #23: Cleavage

Ladies, I have to ask you something. What are you thinking when you wear revealing clothes? Don’t get me wrong, I aint complaining. I just wonder what your tactics are. Do you just feel comfortable in skintight clothes that barely cover you? Is it a fashion statement? Are you looking for attention? Because the fact is, like it or not, you’re going to attract attention. So don’t get uptight when you attract the wrong kind. If you’re wearing a push up bra and a shirt that almost reaches your belly button, I’m going to sneak a peak. So is everyone else. We don’t mean no harm, we’re just curious primates. You should be flattered. I don’t think that makes me a pervert – not that alone, anyway – just curious.
If a dude was walking through the mall wearing ass-less chaps, that too, would attract attention. My son and I were walking into Wal-Mart when he was very young. There was a young girl in front of us that had spent too many nights inhaling cheeseburgers and playing video games. Anyway, she felt confident enough to wear tight jeans and a shirt that would have been tight on my 5 year old. So my son – in all his young, innocent wisdom – points at her and says “Ewwwwwwwww”! Certainly not very polite, but I did find it funny. And it proved to me that if you wear revealing clothing, you are gong to attract attention.
Now, if you’re showing off the goods to attract a man, you must be careful. Cleavage is not a high tech weapon to be used by a novice in the “Man hunt” war. It’s not like a laser guided “hot dude” seeking missile. It’s more like an indiscriminate weapon of mass destruction. There will be collateral damage. When you unload cleavage on the street, you may hit the good-looking dude driving the Bentley, but you’re also going to hit the overweight dude at the bus stop, the toothless, homeless guy on the corner and the old lady on her way home with groceries. So be prepared for casualties.
I firmly believe no woman should tolerate any sort of harassment or abuse for what she wears, but you just have to expect a glance from a curios admirer of the opposite sex. Or the same sex for that matter.

In the new world, women will wear what they want – free of harassment, but also tolerant of our glances.