Monday, 30 November 2015

Rule #38: Black Friday

I’m not arguing that it’s fun to watch “people” – for lack of a better term – turn against each other like wild animals for a perceived deal on a material product. With absolutely no regard for where that product was made, how it was made or any environmental impact that was suffered getting it here. But at the same time it’s sad to see what we’ve become. In a world where we’re supposed to be helping each other, we’d rather trample a fellow human being for a deal on some item made with slave labour in China.
I really don’t understand the whole concept to begin with. And round these parts, people actually leave their home country to join in that chaos. I don’t understand crossing the border to shop. I won’t even travel an hour down the road to the biggest city in Canada for a deal. I live in a city that has stuff. Anything I need should be here (unless it’s a can opener NOT made in China. I’m still looking for one of those). But for me to leave the city I live in to shop for something? it would have to save me a shit-ton of money. And there’s no way I’ll fight anybody for anything. Maybe I’m too passive, but I don’t see a need to fight or even line up for anything. As I’ve said before, I avoid gas stations when prices are low so I don’t have to wait.
Friday is supposed to be a holiday in the U.S. On a day that has reported assaults, fights, mobs, stampedes and even deaths, why would you want to spend your day off fighting that shit? And what was it exactly you were giving thanks for yesterday? Not to mention with all those crowds you have to be in contact with a plethora of potentially dirty people. Doesn’t sound like fun to me. I'll have to bow out of the Black Friday madness (unless the beer store gets involved, then I'll reconsider).
For now, I guess I’ll continue my tradition of eating a turkey leg in my underwear in front of the T.V. with a few beers on the day after thanksgiving. I doubt there’ll be any crowds fighting to get in on that action.

In the new world, the Black Friday mentality will be left behind.


Sunday, 29 November 2015

Rule #39: Car lock horns

Car alarms are bad enough. As I’ve said before, you never hear a car alarm when a car is actually being stolen. It’s just an annoying pain in the ass. Just as pain in the assish, is the lock horn. You know, when someone activates their door locks remotely and the car has to give a little horn blast of confirmation. What could possibly be the purpose for this? Is it really necessary to alert everyone around to the fact that you have just successfully locked your car? It’s fucking annoying. And must be stopped.
Most cars give a subtle blink of the lights. I submit that, that is enough. Why is a loud audible notification necessary? Is it for the blind community? So they know when they have succeeded in locking their doors after they drive home? Well I hate to point out the obvious, but blind people and driving is about as crazy as blind people and puppy tossing. It make a no sense.
This is just another poorly thought through, unnecessary gadget. My smokin’ hot trophy girlfriends car has this feature and every time she locks her doors and that sound of contention hits the air, I give her a heaping helping of irritation, followed by a warm bowl of indignation and finished off with a lovely exasperation soufflĂ©. Not a comfortable meal to sit through. It’s time to take these annoying tools of the devil off the menu.

In the new world, there will be no audible horn blast for door locks.

Saturday, 28 November 2015

Rule #40: Making new friends as an adult

Man, life was simple when I was a kid. It was so easy to make friends. If you saw another kid playing with hot wheels cars, you could just walk up and say “Hey, I like cars, can I play?” BAM! New friend. If you both happen to like red cars… BAM! New best friend.
Unfortunately, it ain’t like that no more. If you strike up a conversation with a stranger, there is much to consider before officially accepting this person into your circle of friends. Is this person appropriate to have around my kids, are they going to drink all my beer every time they come over, are they line budders or buttchuckers? What if they have a yappy dog? Making new friends is a complicated thing these days.
You have to be especially careful if you meet people at a bar. It’s easy to get a little overzealous when it’s close to last call. You start talking to someone after a few gallons of whiskey and the conversation starts to sound like this; “you like Black Sabbath? No fucking way! I fucking love Black Sabbath! Let’s get together tomorrow and write poetry! Yeah! Where do you live?"
In the new world, there will be an application form for adults to hand out to potential new friends.

Friday, 27 November 2015

Rule #41: Canadian seal hunt

Seals are large animals and there’s a lot of blood when you shoot them, slice their throat or whack them in the head with a club or hakapik. Personally, I cannot stomach watching seals get whacked or offed or whacked off. However, I don’t hunt or choose to loiter in a cattle slaughterhouse either. I have no desire to watch live cows have their heads cut off. I know it happens and I love a good T-bone marinated in red wine and tequila, but I choose to leave the morality up to the regulators.
The sealing industry creates a difficult dynamic. First of all, you can’t build a structure over the entire maritime sealing region to keep it out of the sight of animal rights groups. It’s a vast area and it’s a pretty graphic scene. When you smash a seals skull in, the contrast of bright red blood on white ice is hard to watch. But is it more inhumane than the cattle slaughter that goes on every day of the year in the thousands of slaughterhouses across America? Me thinks not. And what about sport fishing? Do you think fish enjoy being hauled to the surface by a hook speared through the roof of their mouth so some proud fisherman can hold it in the air for 5 minutes while he talks about his fantastic knowledge of water and fish? Why the affection for seals and not fish?
The seal hunt has some ridiculous regulations. A sealer is supposed to check for consciousness after he whacks it in the head before he slices a major artery to bleed it out. If you’re an Inuit sealer in a boat cruising through ice packs in freezing cold weather are you going to get out your stethoscope and check for vitals on every seal you kill? Me thinks not. I’ve watched some video and the fact is, some of these seals are harvested in pretty violent, inhumane fashion. That’s just a reality. It doesn’t happen to every seal and you can’t regulate it. If some sick bastard wanted to sneak onto a cow pasture and torture a cow, there’s not much you can do about it. But you don’t shut down the beef industry because of it.
Despite the fact that seals are cute and the hunt is on world display, the fact is, last spring’s commercial seal hunt off the coast of Newfoundland netted about 91,000 harp seals, far fewer than the federal quota of 400,000. Which means it’s sustainable. That’s a lot more than the world fishery can say.
The recent European Union ban on seal products undermines international trade obligations but is deemed justified due to “public moral concerns” over the animals’ welfare. The bloody images and heated rhetoric combine to pit governments and sealers against animal rights groups. This means the graphic images of cute white seals having their heads bashed in has created this “public moral concern”. Whitecoats are newborn harp seals. Most Canadians can recall pictures of whitecoated seal pups being clubbed. The images were so inflammatory that Canada banned all hunting of whitecoats and bluebacks (otherwise known as hooded seals) in 1987.
For hundreds of years, seals have been hunted for food, the lamp and cooking fuel made from their oil and their warm pelts. Seal products nowadays include leather, meat for animal and human consumption and seal oil, which is rich in Omega-3. As long as their hunted mainly for meat and not just pelts, I have no issue with it.

In the new world, sealing mainly for meat will continue and be tightly regulated.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

Rule #42: The fist bump

As a self proclaimed germaphobe, the handshake has been a long time nemesis of mine. I carefully eye up a potential handshake partner wondering where he’s been and what he’s been doing with his hands since his last shower. If you think about it, the hand is probably the least sanitary body part to intertwine with others. That’s the body part of choice with which we scratch, pick, wipe, rub and whack.
While fist bumping can sometimes have a negative stigma attached to it, it’s becoming more accepted and it's better than shaking hands — in that it transmits significantly fewer bacteria. At a time of global concern that our antibiotics are becoming obsolete, new research shows how fist bumping could save lives. The handshake exposes more than three times as much skin surface area as the fist bump, and the average contact time is 2.7 times longer. Ipso Facto… more bacteria is transmitted with the handshake. As many as 80% of individuals retain some disease-causing bacteria after washing. Almost no one washes their hands appropriately — you're supposed to scrub long enough to sing the alphabet song twice.
The fist bump – also commonly referred to as "dap, pound, fist pound, bro fist, spudding, fo' knucks, box, bust, pound dogg, props, bones, or respect knuckles" – is not only more sanitary than the traditional handshake, it can promote a stigma of bro-ness as well. If you think lobbying to replace the handshake with fist bumping as a flu-prevention strategy is an extreme overreaction, consider this some people are actually going as far as advocating for an elbow tap. I don’t know if we need to go that far, but I’d be willing to give it a shot.
In the new world, the fist bump will be the formal gesture of gender-neutral respect.


Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Rule #43: Medication disposal

Treatment plants remove only about half of the prescription drugs and other newly emerging contaminants in sewage. That’s the finding of a new report by a consortium of officials from the United States and Canada who study the Great Lakes. The impact of most of these “chemicals of emerging concern” on the health of people and aquatic life remains unclear. But we can be sure that it aint’ good.
We’ve known this for a long time, but I don’t think we take it
seriously enough. Some drugs contaminating Lake Michigan have been found two miles from Milwaukee sewage outfalls. Research has linked drugs in fish to slower reaction times to predators, altered eating habits and anxiety. At this rate we’re going to have to create rehab centres for fish. No wonder they have those paranoid buggy eyes. Can you imagine how confused the poor fish would be if a pill addict with erectile dysfunction cleaned out his medicine cabinet? They'd be swimming around all paranoid and wondering why they're so horny. Forget about it.
There’s much discussion regarding improving waste water treatment plants to remove the harmful chemicals being flushed to the great lakes, but dealing with a preventable problem is old world thinking. In order to create a better world, we have to stop creating problems in the first place.
Unless you’ve got bags of coke and illegal opiates and the cops are knocking at your door, there’s no reason to flush your old meds. It’s simple. Take them back to the pharmacy. The same goes for old pet medications! Take them back to your vet. So they can flush them!
In the new world, the use of meds will be reduced and leftovers will be returned to the pharmacy for proper disposal.

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Rule #44: Bad relationships

Bad relationships cause a multitude of social problems. From violence, alcoholism, child abuse (physical and emotional). The emotional baggage children carry can create long lasting psychological scars that could possibly be passed down through generations. Not to mention how uncomfortable it is hanging out with a couple who are just not digging each other anymore. I hate that.
Why do we stay in bad relationships? We generally know when we’re done. A constant depression coupled with no communication, no joy, no laughter, no physical contact, no love, spending evenings waiting for your partner to go to bed so you can whack off to the twenty-minute workout (not that I’ve ever been in that situation). But despite the telltale signs, many of us continue to stay in relationships that have clearly run their course. It’s hard to say why exactly, but here are the obvious reasons. It’s comfortable or familiar, for the kids, finances, fear of being alone etc…
Identifying bad relationships can be easy;

Good relationship;

  • Woman: “Hey, can I try that beer?”
  • Man: “Sure” – (passes beer to smokin’ hot trophy girlfriend)

Bad relationship;

  • Woman: "Let me try that beer!"
  • Man: "I asked you if you wanted one of these when we ordered. Why do you always have to do that? Now, I don’t feel so bad about banging your sister!"
Ahem...Check, please...
We’re all going to have to take some responsibility for this. Simply being in a good relationship is not good enough. It’s up to all of us to identify and terminate bad relationships. Too often we turn a blind eye and say nothing because we don’t want to tell our friends that their girlfriend is a bitch. Well I got news for ya Jack, you’re not doing them any favours. They will realize it someday, and when they do, they’ll look at you and say “Why didn’t you tell me?” Then you’ll have to sip your beer uncomfortably and shrug your shoulders knowing you could have prevented the emotional and financial distress your friend is now experiencing. I could be wrong, but I think women have a better handle on this. For some reason, I picture chicks very readily saying, "Girlfriend, why are you with that bum? You could do so much better."

In the new world, bad relationships will be terminated.