Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Rule #112: Public hot tubs

 Or as I like to call them "Public cesspools of bacteria, disease, snot, piss, child diaper poo and some other unmentionable body excretions that I'll leave to your imagination". We don't like to talk about it, but c'mon.. you know it's there.
Especially if it's a tub that no one has any personal connection to. IE: PUBLIC. I have to be pretty hammered to get in a public hot tub. And on occasion, I've let my defenses down and hopped in a giant pot of fag soup myself. But those times are far and few between. The thing is, you just don't know who's been in there. Aside from all the diseases you can catch while bathing
recreationally such as Shigellosis, E. coli, Leptospirosis, Giardiasis, Cryptosporidiosis, Schistosomiasis, Hepatitis A, Norwalk virus or Epidemic Viral GastroenteropathyNaegleriasis and Acanthamoebiasis, Dracunculiasis... etc...etc.. What if someone with a diarrhea condition was just in there? That's gross enough. And I believe that can give you pink eye.

 Now, anyone who knows me will have to cry Hippycrite on this one because I just purchased a hot tub. A giant swim spa that I plan to use as a cool down after bike rides. However, just to be clear, this is not a public unit. Nor will children, old people or nymphos be granted entrance. When it comes to public hot tubs, we need to know the history. Because you're not just bathing with the people you're bathing with. You're bathing with every person who's shared that water. Have fun! ... Not so fun meow, is it?

In the new world, all hot tub bathers will be required to sign into a hot tub database and your picture and medical history will be on display on the hot tub monitor.


Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Rule #113: Jealousy

Jealousy... The green eyed monster! He'll get ya'.. What a kookoo emotion. Typically, it refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety. It's the powerful complex of emotions experienced at the loss, real or imagined, of something or someone you believe is yours. Crikey! What a complicated emotion.  Jealousy is a familiar experience in human relationships.

 If I were asked prior to researching for this post, I would have said it's a learned condition that we're all taught. It's ingrained in us through learning to be better, stronger and have more than everyone else. However, It's been observed in infants as young as 5 months. So that blows my theory to shit.

 It seems we're born with it. So there must be some reason that we have it. It's been around forever and I don't see it going anywhere. Perhaps we were intended to harness it's power for good instead of evil. Or, maybe we were just supposed to figure out why it's not spelled "jelusy" like it sounds. Irregardless, confronting it and dealing with it must be our focus. The new world must not be over run with jealous people acting like Woody every time a Buzz Lightyear shows up on the scene. Or acting crazy because your spouse starts hitting the gym and gets in better shape than you. Get it in check, man.

In the new world, a lesson in handling jealousy will be incorporated in Rule #1.

Monday, 15 September 2014

Rule #114: Bubble baths

Men are doing all kinds of gay shit. Wearing pink, getting pedicures, shopping. What's next, Painting our nails?.. Pffft..Whatever dude. I mean unless your smokin' hot trophy girlfriend is painting your toenails while you enjoy a cold dos equis XX... (not that I've ever done that).
So given all this recent information, why should I feel uncomfortable informing my friends that I will be along in a bit because I'm just finishing up my bubble bath. This happened to me 2 nights ago, on my birthday. Buck calls me to see if I'm ready to go to the bar. I inform him that I'll be along shortly. As soon as I'm done my bubble bath. Now Buck, being the non judgmental fellow he is, did not judge, but I'm thinking "this is info I should keep to myself". But why? Should I be embarrassed? I'm thinking it would be more embarrassing to NOT have bubbles in your bath. I mean, at least the bubbles (as feminine as they smell) cover areas of your body that you may want covered should it become necessary (if they're strategically placed). Why should I be denied a filled bathtub with a layer of surfactant foam on the surface just because it's deemed unmanly? Well It's time to take it back. If we ever owned it. It's not like we're royalty.

In the new world, bubble baths for men will not be frowned upon.


Sunday, 14 September 2014

Rule #115: Dine and dash

 Aint nobody love to fuck the man like me. I mean, if you make a shit ton of cash and I frequent your establishment (which I often do) and pump a fuck load of my hard earned cashola into your deep pockets, then I have no problemo taking an extra drink or free beer here or there. However, when a waitress screws up or there's an opportunity to bail on a bill, it aint the man you're sticking it to, it's your server. She takes the hit. Not the man. That aint right. There's no incentive for bar owners to correct the problem. They put it all on the server. Well fuck that. If you start a business, you should assess all the risks and if there is a potential to get ripped off, figure out how to prevent it. Don't make it the responsibility of your minimum wage employees. They aint got time fo' dat!

In the new world, bill shortages will be the responsibility of the bar owners, not the servers!


Saturday, 13 September 2014

Rule #116: Birthdays

 First of all, it seems appropriate to start off by wishing a happy birthday to anyone who may happen to have a birthday today. That makes you a Virgo. Which means...... fuck all! Except that you should be reading this on your couch with a beer and bowl of popcorn; or whatever your favourite snack is. Cause' you certainly shouldn't be at work today. Similar to fathers day, birthdays should be holidays. Irregardless, happy birthday to:
Tim "the Ripper" Owens, Dave Mustaine and Mel Torme'.

 The only problem with birthdays (besides celebrating the fact that you're one year closer to needing diapers again) is the gift dilemma. Everyone scrambles to get presents because they think they have to. So they run to wal-mart and buy the first "this'll get me off the hook" piece of garbage. There's 2 things that can fix this:
#1 is the fact that the birthday person has to take some responsibility. The age old adage of "I don't need anything" is not acceptable. Do the right thing and tell everyone what you want. Make a list. It works, trust me. Can't think of anything you need? Ask for toothpaste, or toilet paper. Or are you telling me you don't need those things? If that's the case, you're ugly and stink like shit.
B) is the time tested standby: when in doubt.. buy booze. The good ol' liqueur store won't let you down. Especially if you're shopping for me. It's fashionable, always in style, aint never gonna hit the landfill and makes for the perfect re-gift if you really don't want it.
Just no cards. Not unless you have something really special to say and need an appropriate medium. 

In the new world, birthday lists will be mandatory, and.. NOBODY WORKS!
Don't tell me this'll aint a word. For Christ sake! I have a lot of work to do.

Friday, 12 September 2014

Rule #117: Spit washing

Remember how your mom used to lick a cloth, tissue or even worse, her finger and use it rub dirt or food off your face. Well that's gross, man. I think somehow I avoided this. Either it never happened, I blocked it out or I just lived my childhood with a dirty face. If it's option 1, thanks ma. As for everyone else who has suffered at the end of a spit covered finger, I got this.

In the new world, spit washing will be considered child abuse.


Thursday, 11 September 2014

Rule #118: Product disposal

 It's time to become aware of the true cost of producing and acquiring products. No more of this "It's on sale, I want it, I get it. Even if I'm going to get bored and throw it out in a month" mentality. As Lorena Bobbitt had enough of the physical abuse, so have I had enough of the environmental abuse. And as Lorena chopped off the penis of her abuser (John Wayne), we too shall lop off the penis of our abuser (mindless consumption). I'm talking about everything from those stupid toys you get at restaurants to shut your kid up, to the 80,000 inch tv. Impulse purchases made because we can afford it.
But can we afford it? This product that you so thoughtlessly
remanded to your custody has many hidden costs. What's your disposal plan when you get bored of it? What is it made of? Are you just going to dump it in our landfill when it's days are done?
That's right. OUR landfill. It's not your personal dumping ground for all your unwanted crap. Every time we dump anything in the garbage, we affect everyone else on the planet. In the New World we're going to have a whole new attitude about this type of thing. We will be a thoughtful, well informed, green conscious society. How will we achieve such a hightened awareness? Rule #1, of course. Rule #1 will ensure we are populating the new world with a responsible, forward thinking population. We will consider our fellow man and environment in all decisions. Unlike the short sighted, selfish brood we have created.
Every product purchased needs to have a life plan. The manufacturer must consider how to put that product to rest at the end of it's days and inform the consumer of said plan with all associated costs. Those costs have to be figured into the cost at the time of production and sale.

In the new world, all products produced will be required to come with a pre paid world exit strategy.