Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Rule #127: Labour day / Labor day

First off, can we commonize the spelling? I'm going with the 'Mericans on this one. Let's get rid of the U. Bilingualism is bad enough. This is just a pain in the ass. For now, being true to my nationality, the U remains.

Anyway, In Canada and the United States, Labor Day is a federal holiday observed on the first Monday of September. It is customarily viewed as the end of the summer vacation season and many schools open for the year on the day after Labour Day. Kind of sad to say goodbye to summer, but winter is going to happen no matter what, so fuckit! We get a day off!
An old fashioned weird tradition in Canada and the United States frowns upon the wearing of white after Labour Day. Explanations for this tradition vary; the most common is that white is a summer colour and Labour Day unofficially marks the end of summer. The rule may have been intended as a status symbol for new members of the upper and middle classes in the late 19th and early 20th century. Other explanations note that this tradition may have been created as a prevention measure in snow ravaged areas. Many deaths in the late 19th and early 20th century period were attributed to rescue teams being unable to locate those that had become lost in snowy regions as they were wearing only white. That's just fucked up!


In the new world, you will be permitted to wear any color you like after Labour / Labor day day.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 1 September 2014

Rule #128: Arming cops with tasers

 The united nations committee against torture said "Taser electronic stun guns are a form of torture that can kill". Well I guess that's a true statement. But like most government organization blatherings, it doesn't really say much. Too many subjective words that absolve them from any kind of commitment like "form" and "can". It's like saying "trees are a FORM of torture that CAN kill". Think about it, you could fall out of a tree in the woods and lay there for days before you're found. Dead. So we should cut down all the trees!
It's true.. tasers can kill. But guns will kill. If a cop is pointing 2 weapons at you, one being a taser, the other a gun and says "you decide"... unless you're suicidal, I bet I know which one you're going to pick.

There's been a lot of talk about this lately. In my hood they want to
arm more of our police with tasers. There seems to be a lot of backlash regarding this. I don't get it. If your doing something that requires a cop to restrain you, you deserve some kind of aggressive reaction that may warrant force. If that force justifies a weapon, I'd vote for a tazer over Clint Eastwood pointing a .44 magnum between my eyes, asking me if I feel lucky. Because if it's Sunday and I've had a few, I probably do feel lucky. I bet Rodney King wishes they had tasers back in the day.


In the new world, cops will be armed with a gun / taser combo unit and with the proper training will make the appropriate decision.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!
The United Nations Committee Against Torture said in 2007 that “TASER electronic stun guns are a form of torture that can kill”. - See more at: http://www.greenleft.org.au/node/50486#sthash.DctmBc82.dpuf
The United Nations Committee Against Torture said in 2007 that “TASER electronic stun guns are a form of torture that can kill”. - See more at: http://www.greenleft.org.au/node/50486#sthash.DctmBc82.dpuf

The United Nations Committee Against Torture said in 2007 that “TASER electronic stun guns are a form of torture that can kill”. - See more at: http://www.greenleft.org.au/node/50486#sthash.DctmBc82.dpuf
The United Nations Committee Against Torture said in 2007 that “TASER electronic stun guns are a form of torture that can kill”. - See more at: http://www.greenleft.org.au/node/50486#sthash.DctmBc82.dpuf
The United Nations Committee Against Torture said in 2007 that “TASER electronic stun guns are a form of torture that can kill”. - See more at: http://www.greenleft.org.au/node/50486#sthash.DctmBc82.dpuf
The United Nations Committee Against Torture said in 2007 that “TASER electronic stun guns are a form of torture that can kill”. - See more at: http://www.greenleft.org.au/node/50486#sthash.DctmBc82.dpuf
The United Nations Committee Against Torture said in 2007 that “TASER electronic stun guns are a form of torture that can kill”. - See more at: http://www.greenleft.org.au/node/50486#sthash.DctmBc82.dpuf
The United Nations Committee Against Torture said in 2007 that “TASER electronic stun guns are a form of torture that can kill”. - See more at: http://www.greenleft.org.au/node/50486#sthash.DctmBc82.dpuf

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Rule #129: Extended warranties

 Nothing like proclaiming to the world that you make a sub-standard product. The next time a salesman asks you "would you like to purchase the extended warranty for only $300.00?", reply to him.. "why are you trying to sell me a product that's so crappy it's guaranteed to break and the manufacturer is so aware of that, they are charging me to fix it before it even breaks?" Then knock something over and walk out.
I'm going to give you some advice. GOOD advice for once. If you've not listened to a single thing I've said over the last 8 months, heed this: Don't buy extended warranties. Here's the rationale: If you buy warranties they will eventually add up to thousands of dollars. And you may never need them. So refuse them all and if you ever do need to repair something that you didn't get the warranty for, you can write it off against the savings of unpurchased warranties.

Here are five key points to consider before purchasing an extended warranty for your items:

1. The Manufacturer's Warranty should be Sufficient. If not... Bad manufacturer.

2. Consumer Products Depreciate in Value

3. The Necessity of Repairs Is Rare
Repair rates for a variety of small electronics and home appliances range from 5 to 37 percent, which generally indicates that you're unlikely to need a repair. Considering this, it often makes more sense to save the money on an extended warranty and put it toward a repair instead, on the off-chance you'll need one.

4. Warranties Are Not Cost-Effective
They are actually extremely expensive.


5. Credit Cards Can Offer Better Protection
At least that's what my hot trophy girlfriend says.
 


In the new world, manufacturers will stand by their products and repair them for free.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Saturday, 30 August 2014

Rule #130: Holding establishments accountable for drinking and driving

This is just another example of the self indulgent, irresponsible masses trying to deflect blame and suck upon the teet of society's 2-headed litigious whore mother...  "Greed and Avarice".

Here's a news flash for ya'.. "BARS SERVE BOOZE.. AND THEY HAVE LOTS OF IT.. ALL YOU WANT.. ENOUGH TO GET YOU INTOXICATED" So when you go there, plan accordingly. I know I do, because honestly, when I go to the bar, I don't go for one. I don't have the cognitive capacity to have just one of something I love when there's an abundance of it to be had. Then I either get a ride, walk, ride my bike, call a cab... So If you go to the bar and get hammered, then get in your car and drive hammered, guess who's fault it is.

  • The person who YOU hired to serve you drinks?
  • The person who you would have gotten mad at if they had cut you off?
  • The person who gave you exactly what you asked for?

Forget about it! It's your fault! So act like a big boy and take responsibility for YOUR actions. I don't blame anyone for the loss of my legs.. some Chinaman took them from me in Korea! ok, I was never in Korea and it appears I have both my legs. But you get the point.

 Now, having said all that (and looking back at it, it's pretty f'd up) I'm basing it on most experiences I have at bars. You order what you want. The game changes if the rules change. For example, if the bar you're at initiates a drinking contest or somehow entices you to drink more shots than you normally would, you have a case. I don't see this happen these days, probably due to the whole situation we're talking about. Otherwise, you're on your own. In a busy bar, how do you expect the waitresses to keep track of who has had what? These poor girls are running their asses off trying to keep everyone hydrated. There's no time to survey the crowd for individual consumption rates. Bouncers? Maybe, but it's still a lot to keep track of. And how long do you think the local speak easy's will stay open if we open the doors this kind of behavior. This is going to be a real problem in the most litigious country in the world.. The good ol' USofA! Look at the message we're sending our youth "Be totally irresponsible and when disaster strikes, blame someone else."



In the new world, blame for drunk driving will fall squarely where it belongs, on the drunk driver.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 29 August 2014

Rule #131: Movie theatre etiquette

You don't always want to go to a movie theatre and obey all the rules of theatre etiquette. On occasion you just want to go to the movie house, grab a drink at the theatre bar and go all "Rocky horror picture show" on the joint (even though that is one shitty movie). Say your at a comedy flick and it's funny as hell. Instead of chuckling politely at the appropriate times, you feel like exclaiming at the top of your lungs "No way, that's some funny shit". Or when your checking out a romantic drama and the guy screws over the chick, you feel like yelling at him, as you wipe away a tear "YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD, HOW COULD YOU". 
 

Or my favourite, you're digging a horror film. Then the inevitable happens. The hot chick, who's home alone at night, wearing tight daisy dukes and a white t-shirt that she had to borrow from her 5 year old sister, decides to go into the room where the weird noises are coming from. You know the bitch is gonna get whacked or offed or whacked off. So you want to help her. "Bitch, DON'T GO IN THERE BIIIITCH"! Sometimes you just want to enjoy the film like you're in your element.





In the new world, there will be 2 theatres for every movie. One for proper movie etiquette and one for the all out movie experience.


AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!
But no seat kickers. No spank you!
Seat kickers will be banished from the land!

Thursday, 28 August 2014

Rule #132: T.V. Poker

 I like playing soccer. I even enjoy playing a game of baseball occasionally. Hell, I can even kill an afternoon chasing a golf ball around an open field. Of course, there's no way in hell I could ever watch any of these so called "sports" on tv. Baseball and soccer are boring enough to watch, but POKER? At least people are moving in soccer. Have we created a society so sterile that watching people play cards is profitable entertainment? Why not just air a spirited bridge match down at Golden age acres. I hear Gretta wears a low cut moo moo on Tuesdays. To exasperate the bore factor, part of the strategy is to show no emotion. In other words, TRY to be as BORING as possible. There's 2 reasons I enjoy playing texas hold em' with the boys at the Dizzy Bitch.

 
1. You only lose what you commit to in the beginning. No more of those poker nights with the boys coming home with one less paycheck than I left with.


B. It takes zero talent.

 That's right. ZERO TALENT. I can confidently proclaim this, as I have definitive evidence. I have played in a total of 3 Texas hold em' tournaments and I have come in 1st and 2nd in 2 of them. I lost early in the other, but I have no poker skills. I don't even know if trump beats a flush. Think about it. You don't make a lot of decisions in Texas hold em. You get 2 cards that no one else sees. The rest are face up and you can't trade any of them. It's luck of the draw. Period! You might as well play the lottery or indian poker (look it up).

If you insist on televising card games, why not make it exciting? Like have the game on a raft in shark infested waters and play with chips made of raw meat. Or play for sushi in a room full of hungry sumo wrestlers.




In the new world, we will not air boring programming like poker, when we could be showing perfectly good test patterns. Because those patterns aint gonna test themselves.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Rule #133: Squealing tires on country roads

 I'm going out on a limb here, but I gotta do it. Even though it's going to make me look like a huge hippycrite! I think, squealing your tires on country roads should be legal. As long as you're not disturbing anyone or racing. 
I'm talkin' no traffic in sight. No houses fer miles. And no drinkin'. Just findin' yerself out in a desolate part of the countryside and sayin'.. Fuck it, I'm a gonna see what she can do. Crank Whitesnake, and let er' rip. Giver a good 5 to 10 second squakfest and be on yer way to church. Or wherever you kids go these days.


And why not? All the redneck auto racers get to do it. AND get paid for it. It looks like a shit ton of fun. I used to to it in my smokin' hot trophy girlfriends car, but I think I wrecked the engine cause' it won't do it na' more. And I've tried to do it in my 4 cylinder Matrix... forget about it. But if I did have a squeel worthy ride, I'd love to live like a race car driver for a few seconds.



In the new world, good ol' country road tire squealins' will be legal.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!