Thursday, 5 March 2015

Rule #308: Outside smokers

If you're at some sort of medical institution because of illness, shouldn't you be doing everything in your power to heal? Smoking may not be the cause of your illness, but it sure as hell aint the cure! If I'm sick enough to seek medical attention, I'm treating myself right to try to get better. (unless, of course, there's a party down the street with a shirts off, video dance competition. In that case, waddya gonna do, right?) Otherwise, I'm eating right, getting plenty of liquids and definitely...          
Now, I will admit, it is kind of entertaining watching people smoke outside in the dead of winter. I mean, at -15 degrees how do they know when they're done exhaling? Do they just keep blowing until they fall over, or what? I have to hand it to them, no matter what the weather's like, they're out there. With the collar up as far as it can go, free hand in the pocket, trying to get shelter from a tree with a 2 inch trunk. Man, that's dedication. I wish I could be that dedicated to something!
Unfortunately, it's not entertaining enough to justify the pollution it causes, the strain on the health care system and the general annoyance factor.

In the new world, smoking will be abolished!


Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Rule #309: Wedding rings

OK dudes. I need you to relax and not freak out when I divulge this information. I just researched how much people pay for wedding rings. Actually,  I guess I should say, how much "MEN" pay for engagement rings. We'll assume you make $100,000.00 a year. We'll use this pay scale so it's easy to adjust the math to your personal situation. Are you ready... ?

That's right dude! 16K!

Don't look in her eyes

If you're not shocked by this, you either have too much money or you've been had by whatever dark female force is at work here. Perhaps some evil female overlord is compelling all the women of the world to collect as many diamonds as possible as she needs them to power her world domination machine. 
Maybe we just discovered what Oprah is really up to! Think about it, the name itself doesn't even sound human........ OPRAH. Definitely a name suitable for a dark overlord!  
You've been warned.
And worse still, is the fact that dudes actually go in debt to aquire this miracle of modern technology!

I submit that LOVE should be enough!

Let's look at some of the things you could do with that 16 large, shall we:

  • Start your own business
  • Pay for a nice honeymoon & yearly vacations for the next 10 years
  • Hire someone to clear your snow for about 30 years
  • Feed 16,000 starving children for a day
  • Hire me... to do... pretty much... ANYTHING
  • Pay OFF debt instead of going INTO debt
  • Taking compound interest into account, $16,000 invested at 5.0% annually for 30 years yields:

These are just a few examples of the the things that can be done to better the world instead of buying a piece of steel and a rock. That's right, a ROCK! A diamond is a rock. It came out of the ground. Who decided these rocks should be expensive anyway? 

In the new world, the standard outlay for an engagement ring will be set at $100.00.


Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Rule #310: Revolving doors

These things are dangerous! If you're an able bodied younger stud (like myself) then there shouldn't be a problem. But imagine an elderly lady using a walker trying to time this thing while someone on the other side is getting it cranked up.

I witnessed this first hand the other day. This poor lady almost got knocked on her ass! I felt so bad for her. Trying to negotiate a massive piece of glass technology with failing health and a walker. I think the intention of these things is to conserve energy, but we have to be realistic.
And cars don't stand a chance with these things!

In the new world, there will be no revolving doors at key places like hospitals where sick and elderly people frequent.


Monday, 2 March 2015

Rule #311: Recycling

My ol' bud Johnny Simon does a hilarious bit on this topic in one of his comedy routines. He talks about how we're blowing ourselves up all over the world and we're destined to be extinct in short order at the rate we're going. So, why would anyone spend an hour a day sorting plastic, glass, paper, cardboard..... etc. Trust me, it's funny when he says it.

The point is, it got me to thinking. Being somewhat of a defeatist myself, (I believe we're toast at the rate we're going) why the hell am I spending time recycling and driving my kids nuts by trying to teach them the virtues of recycling when I don't think we'll be around long enough for it to make a difference?
For me, I guess it comes down to this. What if I'm wrong? What if we get our shit together and fix things? Wouldn't it be better to have a great world base to work with rather than having to clean up a garbage dump before we can even start living in the new world?
I think so, and if we can learn to follow the rules set out in this easy to follow manual for a better world, we'll be OK. And deep inside, I believe it's not too late. Otherwise, I never would have started the "Rules for a new world".

And if Johnny's right, and we do blow ourselves to smithereens... well, at least I can hold my head high and feel like I've done whatever I could to avoid this (as my head is evaporated.)

In the new world, everyone will recycle (among other things) to keep our world clean.


Sunday, 1 March 2015

Rule #312: Elevator etiquette

If you're getting on an elevator to transfer 1 or 2 floors... look down. Do you see 2 legs? Two feet? At least 1 hand to hold a handrail? Do they all work? Then TAKE THE STAIRS!

Really, an elevator should only be used if you're unable to use the stairs. As in... physically handicapped or too hammered.

Also, if you look down and DON'T see any feet... but you know they're there, you should be using the stairs as often as possible.
Walking up stairs burns more calories than walking down a flat hallway because you must hoist your body weight from one stair to the next. Climbing stairs works your glutes, hamstrings, quadriceps and calves.

Potential:   A 150 lb. person who walks up three flights of stairs six times a day can burn 32,850 calories in a year. That’s enough to lose more than 9 pounds in one year, just by skipping the elevator.

  In the new world, elevators will be treated the same as handicap parking. Reserved for people who fall into one of the following categories:

Handicapped, Transfers greater than 10 floors or impaired.

Stairs!  HA HA HA HA.... Stairs.


Saturday, 28 February 2015

Rule #313: Litigation

It's time to put an end to frivolous litigation cases. We've all heard of these. Not the least of which, was that Dick-wad judge who sued his dry cleaner for $65 million for losing his fat ass pants (Pearson vs Chung). I won't get into the ludicrous details of the case, The point is, the courts never should have given him the time of day.

Then there's the commercials we see on tv and billboards now of these ambulance chasing lawyers. What a joke.Then there's the whack job chicks who decide to take a hard working man to court because they decided he may have done her wrong 20 years ago. The case goes to court without substantial evidence and ultimately gets dropped because it was ridiculous to begin with. The poor dudes marriage is now on the rocks and he's out $20,000 to $50,000 in legal fees and lost wages due to court appearances. And what happens to the crazy chick?? Nothing. She's free to do the same to someone else. If she knew she would be on the hook for the bill, it never would have been brought up in the first place. What a shame! Embarrassing really.

In the new world, anyone who brings forth a frivolous litigation suit will have to supply reasonable proof of the accusations AND if the defendant is found not guilty, all expenses incurred by the defendant will be reimbursed by the crazy bit... er... plaintiff.


Friday, 27 February 2015

Rule #314: Gas station lines

I love high gas prices. There's no line up at the pumps. I'm in and out of there in a jiff… love it!

The worst case scenario for me is when I need gas and prices just came down. There's a huge line up and I'm probably in a hurry. Then you have to play the game... I'm behind this guy, a spot just opened up on the other side. Do I be rude and pull in ahead of this guy in front of me because he doesn't seem to be interested? And what if I make the move and someone else takes it just before I get there. Wait a minute, which side of the car is that guys tank on? If he needs to back in....... I hate that game! I'd rather pay top dollar for my fuel and be done. And really, how much extra are we talking?

Assuming a 70 litre tank, a fill will cost you at:
   $1.20... $84.00
     $1.25... $87.50
       $1.30... $91.00
         $1.35... $94.50

It's not like they're giving it away when it goes down. On a fill up the price fluctuates about $3.50 in a range of 5 cents. So is it really worth the line up? Want it to be even less of an issue? Drive less and ride a bike to work every once in a while.

In the new world, this lesson will be part of the driver education program.
(we just need to figure out how to get people to pay attention)