Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Rule #1: ...


How do we create a better world? I have to go back a year and reflect on what brought me here. What is the one way to create a better world? What was it that was driving me so nuts that I had to spend an entire year writing about it? Of  course! We have to create better people. I hear other people say it all the time. So we have to ask ourselves, “How do we create better people?” So many of us are a product of our environment. So lets create better environments.

From now on there will be no more unwanted pregnancies. No more abused children. No more children taught to take from others at all costs. No more children born into families who can’t provide. No more children living in land fills in India. No more children born into child slavery or sold to labor camps. No more bullies...

And how are we going to do this?

In the new world, every child born will be sterilized at birth and if someone wishes to have children of their own, they must prove that they are ready, willing and able to do so properly. In order to be granted unsterilization, they must fill out an application form outlining how they will provide for their child. They will also have to agree to teach their child how to be a good citizen and abide by the rules of the world.

Is this drastic? Yes. Are there a lot of you out there saying, “OMG, you can’t be serious, that’s like taking away our freedoms.” Well first of all, creating a new human being should not be a freedom. I’m not allowed to build a shed that’s too close my neighbors’ property line. You have to take a test before you’re allowed to drive a car.  yet any loser in the world can create a child. And as many as they want. And treat that child any way they like. It hardly seems fair to the child or the rest of us who are going to have deal with the assholes they create.

In the new world, everyone will be sterilized at birth.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

PEACE!

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Rule #2: Keeping an open mind



Wow... rule #2 - he said very soberly - Tomorrow is an iconic day. A great day, in my humble opinion. The last of 365 rules for a new, better world will be released. I can't believe it's finally here. Over the last 364 days we've done a lot. I'd like to think we've given some thought to some issues that really require a re-think, introduced a few new rules and maybe even had a laugh or two along the way. It's been quite an experience for me. This project has forced me to not only take a look at the world around me, but also take a good, hard look at myself, and believe it or not, I discovered that, just like the world around us, I'm not perfect. I know, it was hard for me to swallow too.

This work, and everyone who’s read, commented, offered opinions or otherwise been involved has been a part of my daily life for the last year. From the avid reader (or people I've made read daily) to the occasional reader, we've been through much. Through this blog you have journeyed with me to places like Mexico (rule #295 - 288) and Newfoundland (rule #194 - 183) and many other places. And yes, you've been in bed with me as well. You've even accompanied me through a clinical depression (rule #90 - 36). And finally, here we are. Anyone who has read this blog with any kind of conviction knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve, so I can tell you with all honesty that I write this with a lump in my throat. I'm not saying I'm crying, I'm not a fucking baby!

As the last 24 hours comes to an end, just let me say thanks. Thanks to everyone who offered ideas & feedback, praise & criticism and support & encouragement. With everyone's help I can finally say I've finished something I started. Thanks to everyone. And of course I would be remiss if I didn't specifically mention my smokin' hot trophy girlfriend, Julie. She really was a big part of this. Although it started out as just a release for me, she knew it was important for me to finish. Without her daily involvement it may have laid to waste like everything else I’ve ever started. From proofreading, promoting and encouraging to helping me free up time to write. She sacrificed and helped more than she knows. But that's her way. She’s one of the few who actually practice the “give more than you take mentality”.

As we jettison (if that is the preferred nomenclature) out of the planning stages of the New World into implementation, I have one more request. Please keep an open mind when reading Rule #1. Is it controversial? Yes. Without a doubt. Is it necessary? Unfortunately, Yes. At least until we get our shit together. I believe this idea is what inspired me to write 365 Rules. When I would mention the idea to people, it would be met with mixed reactions. I knew it couldn't be released until all other rules were out there. Agree or not, at least the other 364 rules wouldn't send everyone running in the other direction. All I ask is to keep an open mind tomorrow when Rule #1 is released. Peace.

In the new world, everyone will keep an open mind when introduced to new ideas.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 4 January 2016

Rule # 3: World governance


Why can’t government organizations run as effectively as successful businesses? The world needs to adopt the same business hierarchy that a successful business uses. One leader with many departments. The breakdown happens at the federal level. That’s what’s wrong with the world. You couldn’t run a successful business if every department was permitted to adopt it’s own set of rules independent of company objectives and mission. Instead of every country having its own leader with it’s own set of ideals and objectives, the entire world should have but one leader to whom all countries answer to. The same way business department heads answer to the company president. This seems to work well for EXXON and APPLE; why not for the world? Not that I want the world to start spewing oil in the ocean or outsourcing all jobs to the Chinese, but the business model is sound. I picture a wise old man standing on top of a mountain making all the controversial decisions for the world.

Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking, “Who in the world could possibly run the entire earth”? Well don’t look at me; I don’t have the cognitive capacity to run an entire planet. ALL RIGHT, I’LL DO IT! But only until we can find a competent leader. I’d be willing to quit my current job and be the seer of all things that cause conflict and require a level headed decision maker to figure it out. For the good of the land! All world problems will come before me and I will pass judgment based on the rules of the New World. My judgments will be final and all must abide by them. Now, I’ll need a couple of things before I can begin. First, I’ll need the biggest desk in the world. Second, a fully stocked liqueur cabinet and finally, a hot secretary… No, wait… 2 hot secretaries. Look, I can’t be making decisions for the whole world unless I’m happy and content, right? So that’s it. And maybe an endless supply of pretzels. Now I’m ready.

So, this is the way I see it go down. I lean over my giant desk and hit the intercom button… “Pamela, send in the next one!” Following Pamela’s tight red leather skirt and knee high black leather boots is Kim Jong Un. She leans over my desk to tell me why he's here and…and… ummm, uhhh. Anyway, once Un finally peels his eyes off her ass he says, “I rant to brow up big nuke in ocean.” I sit back and look at him with sympathetic contempt, put feet up on my desk, take a big gulp of scotch without taking my eyes off him and as I flip my feet back to the floor, I say, “Look Un, you’re pissing a lot of people off. The states are pissed at you, South Korea doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. You can’t blow up anymore nukes.” Then I’d mess up his hair and say “Now get outta here ya nut.” He’d have no choice but to listen to me. Simplifying these overly complex issues is what the new world is all about. Problem solved.

In the new world, political structure will similar to that of a successful business and one sane, rational voice will solve all conflict!

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Saturday, 2 January 2016

Rule #5: Child abuse


14 percent of all men and 36 percent of all women in prison were abused as children. I’m not talking about the small tap on the ass used to wake a kid up. I’m not for it and don’t practice it – mostly because my kids are big enough to kick the shit out of me if I was to lay a hand on them. This is about the losers who use their size and / or authority to intimidate a child. There certainly will not be any room for these people in the New World. I don’t understand how anyone can physically or mentally abuse a child without feeling like a huge, smelly, steaming pile of shit. These are probably the same people who would cower from any kind of real confrontation for a just cause. Their mental condition is probably a result of generations of poor decision-making we are going to leave behind in the New World. Some interesting (or disturbing) facts:

  • Approximately 5 children die every day because of child abuse. In 2010, 1,537 children died of abuse or neglect.
  • 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will be sexually abused before they reach age 18 and 68 percent of them are abused by a family member. 
  • 79.4 percent were under the age of 4.
  • 47.7 percent were under the age of 1.
  • 3.6 million cases of child abuse are reported every year involving 6 million children.
  • Abused and neglected children are 11 times more likely to engage in criminal behavior as an adult.
  • About 80 percent of 21-year-olds who were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.
  • Abused children are less likely to practice safe sex, and are also 25 percent more likely to experience teen pregnancy.
Most of us feel bad when we get mad at our children – whether they deserved it or not – it makes us feel like crap. We can’t imagine wanting to make a child feel that bad. Unless the physical abuse is of a severely aggressive nature, I think the mental abuse is probably worse. Although not being abused as a child, I’m making that assumption. Similar to people who are guilty of child porn, these people can’t understand the damage being done through their actions. I really don’t know if it makes them feel good or they just use children as a punching bag for venting their frustrations, but it’s time to wake child abusers up. Approximately 5 children die every day because of child abuse. In 2010, 1,537 children died of abuse or neglect. We need to clamp down hard on child abusers and Rule #1 will ensure we don’t create any more.


In the new world, anyone who abuses a child will be banished from the land!
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 1 January 2016

Rule #6: New Years resolutions


This year I’ve made it easy for you. All you have to do is resolve to follow the rules of the New World. No more making up ridiculous resolutions that you’re just going to abandon on January 3rd anyway. No more promising to become the best guitarist in the world just to give it up when you realize it hurts your fingers. Or deciding that this is the day of all days to stamp out that dirty smoking habit.
 
Waiting for a special occasion to quit smoking is a bad idea in the first place. Most people will relapse within a month. Studies show that it takes an average of 8 to 11 attempts to stop smoking for good. Mondays make the most sense, which offers 52 attempts throughout the year. If you only try to quit as a new years resolution, it could take up to 11 years to finally quit.

Making your new years resolution to follow the rules of the New World will ensure you’re making all the right changes and life choices to live well in a brave new world. It’ll cover all the usual new years resolution like:

...You know, just the usual stuff. But if your dead set on Making an individual new years resolution, why not make it interesting? Something like drinking more with your buddies or smoking weed or eating cheeseburgers in bed. Not only will it be entertaining to others at your new years eve party, it'll also give you something to quit next year.

 In the new world, new years resolutions will be to abide by the 365 rules of the New World. 

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Thursday, 31 December 2015

Rule #7: Flashlights


This is one of those subjects that come to mind when I have nothing better to do than stare blankly at an inanimate object until I’m in a full-blown mental debate with it. So as I’m staring at my flashlight, I ask it, “why are you called a flashlight? You don’t flash and I don’t want you to flash.” As a matter of fact, the only time any of my flashlights have every flashed is when I really needed them to stay on and I end up smacking it off the palm of my hand to make it stop, hoping I can squeeze the last little bit of battery juice out of those batteries I’ve neglected for 2 years.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to call them “portable lights” or “emergency lights”? I know some flashlights have the option to flash, but I think that’s more of an option that you would use as a safety beacon when you’re in trouble. There’s no way you would want a flashing light when you’re trying to find the last beer in the house during a blackout. Or what if you’re reaching for your toothpaste but you left your preparation H on the same counter. You need clarity and certainty in that situation. Not a flashing beacon. Because no one wants a mouthful of ass cream. Or an assful of mouth cream, for that matter. That would just be unsafe. Unless you’re hosting a Saturday night fever party, you don’t want your emergency back up light to flash.


In the new world, flashlights will be called portable lights!
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Rule #8: Sesame seeds


There are many things in this world we could really live without, and as I ponder the list of useless things that are more annoying than useful, I’d have to put sesame seeds very near the top of that list. Somewhere between Left turn lollygaggers and greeting cards. Is it even factual to call them seeds at all? Has anyone ever planted one? What would grow? A sesame tree or a sesame flower? All they’re any good for is falling off bagels and getting stuck in your teeth. And flavor enhancement? Whatever dude!

Think of all the ingredients that go into the making of a Big Mac; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions all on a sesame seed bun. Now, if you had to eliminate one of those ingredients, which would you choose? Unless you really hate one of those ingredients, the absence of sesame seeds would not change the taste one iota.

I’m actually starting to think sesame seeds are a product of the Nazi regime. Think about it, man. What was the symbol of the Nazis? The SS, right? And what are the initials of Sesame Seeds? You got it! SS. It seems pretty obvious to me. I don’t know what Hitler was thinking when he invented these Nazi seeds, but his plan was obviously successful. We still use them liberally. But we can’t go on this way. The evil seed must be exercised from our diet before we can create a better world. You’ve had your day in the sun, evil seed! Time to say ciao.

In the new world, all resources dedicated to sesame seed production will be redirected to more important causes. Like curing hangovers!

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!