Thursday, 31 July 2014

Rule #160: Contradiction

Look at the picture here of Kiss while listening to the song "I was made for lovin' you" By the same band. That, my friend, is a total contradiction. The image conjures visions of songs about killing baby rabbits or pillaging small villages (or possibly attending a drag party, it's a little confusing). However, the song "I was made for lovin' you" is quite contradictory to the image of the band. If you were to remove the electric guitar, it could pass as an Engelbert Humperdinck song. I'm not implying "I was made for lovin' you" is a bad song. Ok, yes I am. I mean it's no "THUNDERCOON", but I've heard worse. It's just mega contradictory to their image. It's like calling the Pope an atheist. Or calling space exploration an environmental innitiative.

On second thought, looking at this picture that I just discovered, maybe that song is too manly for them. Like, what the hell is up with this picture? Peter Criss looks like Paul Stanleys little boy on take your son to work day. I can just hear Stanley now "Thath's it, Peter Crith, raith thoths armth up
 At any rate, it's a contradickshun.
Hmmmmm.... Whatever dude!

In the new world, contradiction simply will not exist.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Rule #161: Posing for pictures

Disclaimer: Some of the pictures in this post are barely relevant to the subject. But I added them because, well.... you'll understand when you see them. Please enjoy!

 I know sometimes you just want to gather up the whole family and get a nice pic together to hang on the wall. No one is ever going to care or want to see it, but whatever dude. It's justifiable. We've all done it.
 











 What I find annoying is when everyone is having a good time and something funny happens. Then someone is all like "OMG, that was so funny. I need a picture. Do that again". Then you have to spend ten minutes trying to reinact the funny, spur of the moment scene. All while it's being choreographed by the photographer. "You were over there. Hold your beer up higher. Now pretend your going to kick him".


 Or when everyone is having a good time and someone wants a picture of everyone having a good time. That's cool. Go over there quietly and take a picture and sit the fuck down. But no. Here we go again. "Look over here, I'm taking a picture of you having a good time". Well I got sour news for ya Jack. What you're actually taking a picture of, is me 30 seconds after I was having a good time. Because stopping what I was doing to look in that direction is not what constitutes a good time. If it was, I would have been looking there already. What's wrong with a picture of people having a good time naturally?

 Then there's the annoying people who just want to pretend they're having a good time. "Oh look at me, I'm making funny faces, standing on one foot with my fingers in the air cause' that's what I was doing when this picture just so happened to be taken without my knowledge".

Posing for pictures is a bummer, man. What's funny is the masterfully crafted photo bomb. This should be the new way. Instead of arranging everyone in the perfect order, people should surprise people for a picture and instead of yelling "say cheese" they should yell "photo bomb" and give everyone 2 seconds to arrange themselves. Yeah, I like it. It will result in a lot of spilled beers, but some pretty funny pictures.
 
Apparently cows are good photo bombers

In the new world, photo bombing will replace photo posing.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Rule #162: Radio contests

Yesterday I was listening to the radio as I was driving over to pick up my son and his 2 little dogs, Mr. & Mrs. Barky VonSchnauzer. (at least that's what I call them, the rest of world calls them Cody & Chewy).
 Yes, that's a picture of them below.
It's funny, when my ex got those dogs I was pissed. I did not want dogs. That was probably one of the issues that contributed to the relationship demise. Now, I love the little fuckers. They're so cute. I don't let on, but I try to get Chase to bring them over as often as possible. I think I fell in love with them one night when my ex was out of town. I had a party and woke up in the morning on the basement floor. Mrs Barky VonSchnauzer was curled up by my side tucked into my chest. My only morning com padre in an otherwise depressing, drug and alcohol induced haze. Ever since, she's been the champ.
Anyway, as I pull out of my driveway, the lame radio DJ is in the middle of a contest. I don't know what the prize was, but the skill challenging objective was to guess the color of his shirt. I know, I should have just changed the station, but I couldn't. At first I was listening to see what the contest was. Then I was listening to see if it really was what I thought it was. Then I found myself continuing to listen because I had to know what color his fuckin' shirt was! It was so lame. The dj was all like "Hello" and the callers were all like "is it blue?" "BLUE, no, It is not blue" "Is it red?" "RED! No, it is not red" "Is it black?" "BLACK! no, I did not wear the black T today". I remember thinking, this is so stupid, but it's green. I know it's green. Then I hear it: "Is it green?"... "GREEN! No it is not green" I couldn't believe it wasn't green. I yelled aloud "FUCK!" and smashed my fist on the steering wheel.

(Deep breath)
 
The point is, if your going to put a contest on the air and consume peoples time and attention, please make it worth while.

In the new world, there will be no "guess the color of my shirt" contests.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!
It was brown. Can you believe it? Fucking brown!

Monday, 28 July 2014

Rule #163: News reporting

I watch the news everyday. Pretty much. And, as you may have noticed, a lot of shit gets on my nerves. But what really grinds my gears is when news reporters feel it necessary to interview the family, friends or neighbours of victims of horrible crimes or events. Tim Bosma is a good example. The poor bastard tried to sell a truck and ended up dead and burned to ashes. Holding true to my views on crime and punishment, I won't mention the name of the perpetrator. But Tom seemed like a good dude who left behind his poor wife, Sharlene. I feel sorry for the poor girl, but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy her tear filled speeches. I liken it to when hockey players speak between periods. You can enjoy the game, but you don't want to hear the players speak. When Sharlene would talk to the media, it was like she was the queen addressing her people. She had prepared speeches that sounded like they were written by Barry Manilow. All spoken through a waterfall of tears. It's not like I dislike her, but if one of my kin were killed, I don't think I'd be talking to the press. I'd be at home mourning with family and planning my revenge on the pieceofshitcocksuckerlosersonofabitch that committed the crime.


When I see someone talking to the world about how saddened they are about the loss of a loved one, I can only think one of two things. Either they love the spotlight, or the media makes them think it's the right thing to do. If the immediate family won't talk, the media goes after extended family or neighbours. Anyone who will speak about the victim. It's not like your going to hear any earth shattering news about the person. Honestly, just once I'd like to hear someone say "That guy was an asshole, I'm so glad he's dead". I don't know, I just think it would be funny. Having said all that, I use the Bosma case as an example of medias' abuse of victims to boost ratings. Truth be told, this was a horrible, senseless crime inflicted on good people and there will be none of this in the new world


In the new world, news reporters will report on what's important and leave the family alone.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!


Sunday, 27 July 2014

Rule #164: Doctors' handwriting

 How long do doctors go to school? 8, 9, 10 years or more? You can learn a lot in that time. Doctors study all kinds of sciences and biology, maybe even psychology. It must be very time consuming.
But in that many years of study, do you think it would be that difficult to slip in a one month course focused on PENMANSHIP? Jeezuz! C'mon! If my kids brought home schoolwork with that kind of chicken scratch I'd ground them. Either doctors are going to have to learn how to write, or cryptology is going to have to be a regular subject in the school curriculum.

 I always thought it was kind of funny but apparently doctors'
sloppy handwriting kills more than 7,000 people annually. It's a shocking statistic, and preventable medication mistakes also injure more than 1.5 million Americans annually. Many such errors result from unclear and illegible writing on some of the 3.2 billion prescriptions written in the U.S. every year. Part of the problem is our over dependency on medication and lack of nutrition, but it's still preventable. It seems such a remedial problem. Just sitting here I can think of numerous ways to fix this:


  •  Have your secretary write the script
  • Type it and print it
  • Or... write neater!



If we, the people can think of ways to fix this right off the top of our heads, imagine if a bunch o' smrt people actually tried to fix the problem.
 

In the new world, doctors will be required to be able to write at a grade 5 level or higher.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Rule #165: Clothes with logos

 If companies want to put their logo on my clothes, I consider that advertising. You should be paying me to wear it. I'm not talking about funny or clever shirts. I'm talking about the straight up, out n' out, blatant advertising of a company. Especially companies that made the shirt. Kids don't understand this, so we as adults have to help them understand and say no when they insist on having the brand name that's hot that month. It's not bad enough that we teach our kids to consume too much, but society also has to tell them what to consume too much of. Man, we have lost our way


It's time to get back on track. We have to start with our children. Because there's no way I'm going to buy a whole new wardrobe. But our Kids... Oh yeah, they gotta get it right. Actually, I have a great idea. Every school should have a day each week where the kids wear their shirts inside out. They'd get a kick out of it and perhaps this would be a good start to fixing this issue of turning our kids turning into walking billboards.

In the new world, if a company puts a logo on my clothes, they will pay an advertising royalty whenever I wear it.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 25 July 2014

Rule #166: Advertising

 Advertising has grown to be an industry worth billions of dollars across the world. Online advertising alone is believed to be worth $24 billion a year. It's no longer just a bunch of dudes trying to
make things look nice and packaged well. It's a fine art now, honed by psychologists that try to manipulate children into buying products. Want your child to eat a healthy breakfast? Good luck. You're not debating with your 5 year old. You're Battling with a billion dollar, educated marketing firm whose job it is to maximize profit. They don't give a rats ass if your kid gets diabetes. Actually, it's very profitable for your child to develop ADHD symptoms due to the crap they ingest so pharmaceutical companies can peddle more drugs to kids. Try to tell your child they have to eat oatmeal for breakfast to give them a good start and they reply with "But moooooommy, I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs."

 Then there's the advertising geniuses that come up with misleading
marketing language like "Up to 25% or more!" Kind of gets your attention, doesn't it? Let's dissect that. "Up to 25%" is anywhere between 0% and 25%. And "25% or more" covers the rest of the numbers in the world. So, that's like saying "between 0 and infinity". Sounds a little vague and promises everything and nothing all at the same time.

 And the condescending advertisements by insurance companies trying to sell insurance to old people who are about to kick the bucket "Don't your loved one's deserve peace of mind?... of course they do". How the hell do you know what my loved ones deserve? Maybe all my kids are assholes who are just waiting for me to kick it so they can cash in.
 

In the new world, advertising will be neither manipulative, misleading nor condescending. A products integrity will speak for itself.


AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!