Thursday, 29 January 2015

Rule #343: Droopy pants

"PULL YOUR PANTS UP!"
My kids are sick of hearing me say this...



...But I don't get it. In my day, pants were designed to make my ass look great. And they did! What could be attractive or comfortable about the way kids wear their pants now? How did this even get started?






Was there all of a sudden a belt shortage somewhere?



In the new world,
wearing your pants in this fashion will fall under a public decency act and there will be consequences and repercussions for offenders.
Cause' we aint tryin' to see dat'.




On the other hand, the New World is about acceptance and being receptive to change. So maybe there will be exceptions.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Rule #344: Teachers



Alright, this is in the news a lot lately and I'm standing up for the teachers. Everyone complains about how teachers get summers and weekends off and work short days. Well I've got one reason for giving teachers what they want... They have to spend all day with my kids!


As with any occupation, there are bad teachers, good teachers and great teachers. What we should do is make the hiring process tougher, get rid of the bad teachers and give the good teachers a raise. Also, get rid of summer vacation (that should have been eliminated years ago, we'll talk about that another day). These people spend more waking hours a day with our kids than we do. I'd like to see happy well paid professionals in that position.

     
In the new world, teachers will be well paid, but they will ALL be worth it. 
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Rule #345: Propoganda


Recent news article: CHICKEN WING SHORTAGE!

Let's see... 2 weeks before super bowl and all of a sudden there's a chicken wing shortage. WOW! What a coincidence! It's like all the chickens decided to practice safe sex 9 months ago.



In the new world, any company, organization or industry that releases propaganda to increase profits (oil companies! you listening?) will be given a warning and fine. Second offence... license to operate is revoked!
Because without chicken wings, what other reason would we have to go out and watch the game?

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 26 January 2015

Rule #346: Flyers


In 3 words?
OUT...OF...CONTROL!

I had this debate last night. LATE last night. That's why this entry is so late. My argument is that advertising flyers, that we used to get in newspapers, are extremely excessive. That's why we don't get them in newspapers anymore. They just don't fit. They have become newspapers unto themselves. My mailbox reads "No flyers please, thank you" and it is respected. I don't like being bombarded with ideas of what the corporate man thinks I need. If I need something, I look for it and go get it. Now, according to my debate partner, some people enjoy flipping through these flyers. And I must admit, if I visit my hot trophy girlfriend and the stack of flyers are there, I'll take a peek. However, all these flyers can be found on line where anyone can find them. Last night, J said it's easier to pick the flyers out of the mailbox than looking them up online. So I told him to keep his computer in the mailbox! And just grab it on his way in.


You must have known this was coming:
Canada produces about 10 billion flyers a year
The US produces about 110 billion!
This translates to 120,000 trees and 93% of flyers are thrown away without the recipient doing anything with it! Or they blow around the neighborhood until they disappear.
Apparently, my argument wasn't good enough. So we came to a compromise. You should at least be able to choose the flyers you want.

In the new world, you will be able to request the flyers you want, instead of getting them all. And you will be notified that you have access to them online before receiving the paper version.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Sunday, 25 January 2015

Rule #347: Aboriginal affairs


Ok. Everyone has had just about as much of this as we can take. From the disruptions by indian protests to government fumbling to police inaction. It's time to get something done before we have Caledonia all over again (or worse). The problems on reserves are not all that uncommon to societies in other parts of the world. When you look at similar cultures where the people live off the land, much like the indians would like to do, a very similar pattern happens when things change: People either continue living off the land, start working or take to drinking. This is extremely familiar to the lifestyles of the aboriginal people here. Instead of doing nothing, I suggest we conduct a trial and test the results. We don't want anyone to stop working and we don't want to stop indians from living off the land. So let's pick one reserve and remove and eliminate all alcohol on the reserve for one year. Then let's see the results. With less time spent on drunken fights, drunken drum dances and hangovers, maybe there will be more time for being productive and perhaps a little book keeping. And judging from the conditions, spending money on necessities instead of booze, would be a good idea.



    

And to show my support and conviction to this initiative, I will jump on the wagon with them (no pun intended). I too will kick the booze for a year. I'm sure it couldn't hurt them or me. I'll even offer to mediate the meeting to make this happen between Harper and Spence (if she's recovered from her diet) or whichever chief is sent. Nothing else is working, why not?




In the new world, if any community relies on public tax money, it will be expected that zero of that money is wasted on alcohol or cigarettes.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Saturday, 24 January 2015

Rule #348: Abortion


I'd like us to be able to solve this problem now. And we can. But unfortunately, it will have to wait until January 6th.
For now, it should remain a woman's choice. Unless there is a father or family member who can provide and is willing to assume responsibility for the child. What kind of life can we expect for a child born to someone who was forced to carry them for 9 months, then doesn't have the means or desire to provide? Abortion needs to be legal so it can be regulated and provided in a clean, controlled environment by professionals.
But ONLY UNTIL we implement rule #1. Rule #1, which will roll out on January 6th 2014, will make abortion unnecessary and therefore illegal. Rule #1 will solve a lot, if not most, of the worlds problems. However, with it being a bit controversial, I think I'll refine it a bit before presenting it. 


In the new world, abortion will be unnecessary.
Until then, legalize everywhere.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 23 January 2015

Rule #349: Snowblowers


If you live in a climate similar to Southern Ontario, you DO NOT need a snow blower! Why?...
 I'm glad you asked...


1. Exercise:

     
Assuming you don't have any health issues and you take it easy, shoveling snow can be good exercise.

2. Kids:

If you have kids, they need to get out there. What better way to get them off the couch and away from the video games. And often it will lead to something fun like a snowball fight or building a snowman or snow fort. My kids have even started shoveling other driveways for money with their friends. If your kids are older than 4, get them out there. And if they try to charge you, just let them know your taking it off what they owe you for food, board, clothes etc......

3. Mr. Plow:


Need the driveway done but can't? Call a plow. Can't afford it? Let's break it down. I think you can get a dude with a pick up and a shovel to do your driveway for about $25.00. And let's also say you can get a new snow blower for about $1,000.00. 1,000 / 25 = 40. So for the price of a snow blower you could get 40 plows. If you only get your driveway plowed 5 times a year and get the kids to do it the rest, you could get 8 years of plowing for the price of that nice shiny snow blower that is stored in your garage doing nothing 359 days a year.

4. Maintenance:

     
Snowblower = Maintenance.
     No snow blower = No Maintenance. 'Nuff said.

5. Environment:

According to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), the average snow blower creates about one pound of carbon monoxide emissions per hour. To put this figure into perspective, it takes a car driving approximately 70 miles to make the same amount of emissions. Overall, small machines, including snow blowers, create 25% of mobile sources hydrocarbon emissions. During mild winters I've heard people say that they take their snow blower out and clear 1" of snow just to get some use out of it! If your that bored, come over to my place. I've got lots to do.

6. Your neighbor:

    
Everyone's got a neighbor with a snow blower that is good for at least one blow a season.

7. Storage:

Look in your garage. See that area in your garage dedicated to that big dumb machine all summer? Taking up all that room where you could store your empty beer cases.

8. And finally.... GOD!

Whatever you believe that to be. Whoever brought that wonderful white pain in the ass, is eventually going to take it away (assuming you live close to the 49th parallel)



In the new world, this lesson will be part of the public education system to help people free themselves of these evil machines. And people using snow blowers will be made fun of.


AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!