Being a political servant of the people requires a lot of time and dedication. If your behavior or lifestyle is creating a constant storm of controversy, either proven or alleged, it’s a distraction from the business at hand, which is running the city, town, province, state, country… whatever. We are lucky enough to have the perfect poster child for this topic. To be politically correct I won't use his real name. Instead, I will bestow upon him the prestigious title of...
"HIS ROYAL FATNESS".
What a piece of work. If his giant fat face wasn’t enough of a distraction, let’s take a look at some of the more memorable moments in his fine career as mayor of the largest city in Canada.
February 1999: Charged with marijuana possession and driving under the influence while on vacation in Florida. The marijuana charge is later dropped. While campaigning for office in 2010, HIS ROYAL FATNESS lies about the Florida charge, saying he was charged with failing to provide a breath test.
April 2006: HIS ROYAL FATNESS , now a councillor, got drunk at a Leaf game and began spouting a range of obscenities at those sitting near him. He initially lied about even being there, but later apologized for his behavior and admitted he was “both embarrassed and humiliated by the whole series of events.”
June 2006: HIS ROYAL FATNESS votes against AIDS funding, saying “If you are not doing needles and you are not gay, you wouldn’t get AIDS probably, that’s bottom line.”
March 5, 2008: During a city hall debate, HIS ROYAL FATNESS says: “Those Oriental people work like dogs. They work their hearts out. They are workers non-stop. They sleep beside their machines.” He refused to apologize, saying he was paying the community a compliment.
June 2010: On a taped phone call, HIS ROYAL FATNESS can be heard offering to buy prescription drugs for a constituent. HIS ROYAL FATNESS admitted he offered to help an HIV-positive man find OxyContin illegally, but says he was playing along “just to get him off the phone.”
July 2011: HIS ROYAL FATNESS is accused of using his cellphone while driving and then giving the middle finger to the woman who chastised him. He denied giving the woman the finger.
October 2011: HIS ROYAL FATNESS is accused again of using his cellphone while driving.
October 25, 2011: HIS ROYAL FATNESS calls police on a comedy crew from This Hour Has 22 Minutes. Comedian Mary Walsh, who was dressed as her alter ego Marg, Warrior Princess, and a cameraman were at his home. The CBC reported that HIS ROYAL FATNESS later yelled obscenities at a 911 operator. Toronto police chief Bill Blair denied HIS ROYAL FATNESS had made the comments.
December 2011: The Toronto Star reports that police had been called to the kingdom of HIS ROYAL FATNESS after his mother-in-law called 911 on Christmas morning. There were claims he had been drinking and threatened to take his children to Florida without his wife.
May 2, 2012: HIS ROYAL FATNESS calls police after seeing a Toronto Star reporter near his home. Reporter Daniel Dale said he was not trespassing, and, in fact, the mayor threatened him.
August 2012: HIS ROYAL FATNESS , who has been accused of distracted driving, is photographed reading while on the Gardiner. HIS ROYAL FATNESS admitted to reading briefing notes, saying he was a busy man.
February 7, 2012: HIS ROYAL FATNESS participates in a council vote on whether he should have to pay back donations he received from lobbyists, triggering a conflict-of-interest lawsuit.
November 26, 2012: A judge rules that HIS ROYAL FATNESS violated the Municipal Elections Act and orders HIS ROYAL FATNESS removed from office. He appeals and is later reinstated.
February 1, 2013: After a forensic audit of his campaign spending, HIS ROYAL FATNESS is found to have overspent by $40,100. However, a city hall committee decided not to send the issue to a special prosecutor.
March 8, 2013: Mayoral candidate Sarah Thomson says HIS ROYAL FATNESS made inappropriate comments and grabbed her ass at a gala for the Canadian Jewish Political Affairs Committee. HIS ROYAL FATNESS denies the allegations.
March 27, 2013: A report in the Toronto Star alleges that HIS ROYAL FATNESS is asked to leave the Garrison Ball because he appeared impaired.
May 16, 2013: Reporters at The Toronto Star and Gawker publish allegations they have seen a video that appears to show HIS ROYAL FATNESS using drugs.
Maybe he had the best interest of the people in mind during all these incidents. Think about it. He was seen using drugs, maybe he was trying to clean up the city by smoking all the crack before it could be sold to children. What a nice guy. Hopefully, he’ll tackle prostitution next.
Personally, I don’t give a rats ass if any or all of this is true or not. The fact is, all this negative attention is creating too much of a distraction to properly attend to the business at hand of representing the people as mayor of the largest city in Canada. If HIS ROYAL FATNESS really cared about the people he represents, he would step aside and let someone else take the helm.