Friday, 3 July 2015

Rule #188: Drunk arguments


 Arguing when you're drunk is like trying to fit 6 gallons of shit in a 5 gallon bucket. It don't make no sense and it just ends up a stinky mess.

 Our species needs some kind of mechanism installed in our brains that recognizes when we're drunk and as soon as it detects the combination of intoxication and aggressive thought, it shuts down the vocal chords. You can still try to argue and try to yell, but no one will hear your bullshit.

 I could have used this tool the other night when my smokin' hot trophy girlfriend and I were guilty of AUI (arguing under the influence). As I recall it went something like this: She was stumbling around the street while I was discussing the theory of
relativity. Then she decided to poke her head in the window of a bar and yell in "HEY FUCKERS, WAVE THE COVER CHARGE YA SONSABITCHES!" I said: "Now honey, that's a little aggressive, maybe just let's go home, ya know? It's like John Lennon said..." Then she cuts me off and yells "FUCK OFF, JERK! I HATE YOU! YOU'D GET ME IN THIS BAR IF YOU DIDN'T SUCK AT BEING A MAN ALL YOUR LIFE!" I tried to diffuse the situation by explaining "Sweetie, you've had a couple of drinks and I would just like to take you home and massage your feet until you fall asleep" She lost it "YOU FUCK ASS WHY SHIT THING Y'KNOW FUCKIN' EVERYFUCKINTIME....." needless to say it just went downhill from there and I think she mumbled something about advising me to sleep with one eye open.

What a great opportunity to test out that new mechanism. Let's get the New World scientists working on "DAD" right away. (Drunk Argument Diffuser). The DAD will be installed during the implementation of Rule #1.


In the new world, DAD will prevent all drunken arguments!


AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Thursday, 2 July 2015

Rule #189: Serving nachos

 The next time I order nachos and someone lays down a plate of shitty chips with some shitty cheese melted over them on a shitty little plate and tries to pass it off as nachos, I'm gonna snap. I'll lose it. There'll be chips n' cheese flyin' everywhere! I've had it with this bullshit! I equate it to spitting on my cupcake and calling it icing. Try to get away with that shit in Mexico. Serve that shit up to a Mexican and you'll find yourself decapitated with your head in a bag with 7 other heads looking at each other saying "why didn't I make a bit of salsa and add some peppers and some meat. And LAYER the cheese. Why didn't I LAYER the fucking cheese?!? 
To make matters worse, this usually happens in touristy areas where you're paying too much to begin with for overpriced watered down drinks! 
Well no more!


In the new world, if you serve me shitty nachos I'm gonna whack you, or off you, or whack you off!

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Rule #190: Pre teen parenting

 I've done it 3 times so I think I have some credibility here. And I don't mean IT. I mean I've raised 3 children in and out of the dreaded pre-teen phase. I've been told that I've done it with some success as well. Not that I deserve all the credit. There were some pretty good mothers involved as well.

 Looking back at how things went, the successes and failures, trial and errors, in my own experience as well as friends and acquaintances, there are a million things you can do right / wrong. What I have learned is it's what you do during these pre-teen years that dictate what kind of teen years you're in for. Set the rules now before it's too late. Let them know early on that there's no need
to start a debate. That's big. I find it's alright to explain things to kids so they understand your decision, but only once. A debate isn't necessary. For example, a conversation between a parent and a 12 year old daughter should go something like this: "Mom (or dad) can I hitch hike to the party at Axl Roses house?" "No sweetie, you don't have anything to wear and you have homework to do and Axl Rose is and asshole." "But all the other kids are hitch hiking to the party at Axl Roses house!" "You asked a question, you got an answer, that means the conversation is over. Get me a beer."

Your kids will learn early on that there is no need to whine, plead and argue. They will respect your authority. Or, you could offer to go to Axl Roses' party with them. See how that goes.
 

In the new world, this rule will be included in a free parenting handbook that will be given to all the “would be” new parents.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Rule #191: Evolution vs creationism

Evolution
"The process by which different kinds of living organisms are thought to have developed and diversified from earlier forms. The gradual development of something,  from a simple to a more complex form."
Hmmmm... sounds reasonable. I certainly can't disprove it.


or 
Creationism


the doctrine that God creates out of nothing a new human soul for each individual born. 
Hmmmmm. Sounds a little weak.


 Here's the truth. I don't know. You don't know. Neither does your teacher, friends, parents, ministers, priests or anyone you've ever met or anyone who exists on the planet. The only thing I do know is we need to give everyone equal amounts of information to support both arguments at an early age. I don't think we should put much emphasis on the topic in school at all. I rank it right up there with space exploration. Who gives a shit what's a billion miles up in space? Who gives a shit where we came from? Would it be interesting to find out? yes. Helpful? Doubt it. I think we need to focus on problems in our own place and time before we spend billions on things that don't matter in a galaxy far far away. Regardless, if we're going to teach or promote any kind of religion or creationism in school, we need to give equal billing to the evolution theory to give kids a fair chance to make an educated choice. Instead of teaching them the great argument I get when I debate with a supporter of creationism... "The bible says so".


In the new world, evolution and creationism will be taught equally in the schools with a focus on teaching neither.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 29 June 2015

Rule #192: Poverty

Poverty sucks. I know. I've been there. I lived in an abandoned house with 8 or 10 (it was hard to tell) other down and out Newfies. Thankfully I got out. I just kept my faith in God and with his love and.... ha ha... alright. I can't even type that bullshit. The truth is we all could have been destined to a life of poverty and living on the streets.


There's enough money in the world to go around for everyone. I'm not suggesting we throw all the cash in a pile and split it up evenly so the people who abuse our system just blow their share irresponsibly, then look for more. Rule #1 (coming January 7) should solve this problem. For now, we need to figure out how to keep children fed and off the streets and teach them to be productive. One problem is that people shouldn't be having kids if you don't have means to provide. So why is that happening? It seems we have all the education and information at our finger tips to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Yet it continues to happen. That's a big one.

 Also, we decide where our money goes and who gets it. Like I said, there's enough cash for everyone, but look who we give it to. I don't think anyone would argue that professional sports athletes and celebrities make way too much, yet we pay way too much to go see sports events, movies and read the tabloids. So, until we learn to be responsible with money, we can't really complain about undeserving people having too much of it.


In the new world, we won't have poverty. Until then, we need to start considering who we give all our money to.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Sunday, 28 June 2015

Rule #193: Law enforcement cameras

 Are law enforcement cameras an invasion of privacy? Well I guess if you're breaking the law they are. Take the red light cameras at intersections which are installed to catch drivers running red lights. The problem isn’t privacy. These cameras are in public places, where people’s faces and cars are visible to everyone.  The camera that caught a driver running a red light saw only what any passerby, and any police officer who might have been at the intersection, could lawfully see. It's not like they're being installed in your bedroom.

 Those opposed to the concept call it creeping Big Brotherism.  But the analysis can’t be as simple as “surveillance bad, privacy good”; and at least in some situations, camera systems can promote both security and liberty. Personally, I hate the concept of law enforcement cameras. The thought of a society of surveillance saddens me. But I also hate the thought of assholes raping our daughters and stealing our stuff. If every activity everyone did was caught on camera, eventually people would learn to stop breaking the law. Then we could get back to having our freedom and enjoy a crime free society.



In the new world, surveillance cameras won't be necessary thanks to…  rule #1. Until then, we will need as many as possible.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Saturday, 27 June 2015

Rule #194: Grade retention


 Children should not be forced to repeat a grade. School learnin' ain't always the only path and ain't for everybody. Many successful, creative and artistic people learn and develop their craft outside of the structure of the classroom. Walt Disney received an honorary high school diploma at age 58 after dropping out of high school at age 16.



 Other notable high school drop outs; Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, Richard Branson to name a few. And of course there's a long list of actors and musicians. The school environment can actually be very stifling to a creative mind. And really, an education should be regarded as a privilege, not a right. After all, it is paid for by tax payers and in this world of understaffed, overcrowded classrooms, if a kid doesn't take it seriously and blows a year, they should have to move on with their crappy grades. When their free education is done, let em' fly and be free. For the kids with real learning disabilities, there are other options.


In the new world, kids with failing grades will move on with crappy grades, but given the encouragement to pursue something less academic.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!