Saturday, 23 May 2015

Rule #229: Political controversy

 Being a political servant of the people requires a lot of time and dedication. If your behavior or lifestyle is creating a constant storm of controversy, either proven or alleged, it’s a distraction from the business at hand, which is running the city, town, province, state, country… whatever. We are lucky enough to have the perfect poster child for this topic. To be politically correct I won't use his real name. Instead, I will bestow upon him the prestigious title of...

"HIS ROYAL FATNESS". 

What a piece of work. If his giant fat face wasn’t enough of a distraction, let’s take a look at some of the more memorable moments in his fine career as mayor of the largest city in Canada.

February 1999: Charged with marijuana possession and driving under the influence while on vacation in Florida. The marijuana charge is later dropped.  While campaigning for office in 2010, HIS ROYAL FATNESS lies about the Florida charge, saying he was charged with failing to provide a breath test.
April 2006: HIS ROYAL FATNESS , now a councillor, got drunk at a Leaf game and began spouting a range of obscenities at those sitting near him. He initially lied about even being there, but later apologized for his behavior and admitted he was “both embarrassed and humiliated by the whole series of events.”
June 2006:  HIS ROYAL FATNESS votes against AIDS funding, saying “If you are not doing needles and you are not gay, you wouldn’t get AIDS probably, that’s bottom line.”
March 5, 2008: During a city hall debate, HIS ROYAL FATNESS says: “Those Oriental people work like dogs. They work their hearts out. They are workers non-stop. They sleep beside their machines.”  He refused to apologize, saying he was paying the community a compliment.
June 2010: On a taped phone call, HIS ROYAL FATNESS can be heard offering to buy prescription drugs for a constituent. HIS ROYAL FATNESS admitted he offered to help an HIV-positive man find OxyContin illegally, but says he was playing along “just to get him off the phone.”
July 2011: HIS ROYAL FATNESS is accused of using his cellphone while driving and then giving the middle finger to the woman who chastised him. He denied giving the woman the finger.
October 2011: HIS ROYAL FATNESS is accused again of using his cellphone while driving.
October 25, 2011: HIS ROYAL FATNESS calls police on a comedy crew from This Hour Has 22 Minutes. Comedian Mary Walsh, who was dressed as her alter ego Marg, Warrior Princess, and a cameraman were at his home. The CBC reported that HIS ROYAL FATNESS later yelled obscenities at a 911 operator. Toronto police chief Bill Blair denied HIS ROYAL FATNESS had made the comments.
December 2011: The Toronto Star reports that police had been called to the kingdom of HIS ROYAL FATNESS after his mother-in-law called 911 on Christmas morning. There were claims he had been drinking and threatened to take his children to Florida without his wife.
May 2, 2012: HIS ROYAL FATNESS calls police after seeing a Toronto Star reporter near his home. Reporter Daniel Dale said he was not trespassing, and, in fact, the mayor threatened him.
August 2012: HIS ROYAL FATNESS , who has been accused of distracted driving, is photographed reading while on the Gardiner.  HIS ROYAL FATNESS admitted to reading briefing notes, saying he was a busy man.
February 7, 2012: HIS ROYAL FATNESS participates in a council vote on whether he should have to pay back donations he received from lobbyists, triggering a conflict-of-interest lawsuit.
November 26, 2012: A judge rules that HIS ROYAL FATNESS violated the Municipal Elections Act and orders HIS ROYAL FATNESS removed from office. He appeals and is later reinstated.
February 1, 2013: After a forensic audit of his campaign spending, HIS ROYAL FATNESS is found to have overspent by $40,100. However, a city hall committee decided not to send the issue to a special prosecutor.
March 8, 2013: Mayoral candidate Sarah Thomson says HIS ROYAL FATNESS made inappropriate comments and grabbed her ass at a gala for the Canadian Jewish Political Affairs Committee. HIS ROYAL FATNESS denies the allegations.
March 27, 2013: A report in the Toronto Star alleges that HIS ROYAL FATNESS is asked to leave the Garrison Ball because he appeared impaired.
May 16, 2013: Reporters at The Toronto Star and Gawker publish allegations they have seen a video that appears to show HIS ROYAL FATNESS using drugs.
Maybe he had the best interest of the people in mind during all these incidents. Think about it. He was seen using drugs, maybe he was trying to clean up the city by smoking all the crack before it could be sold to children. What a nice guy. Hopefully, he’ll tackle prostitution next.
Personally, I don’t give a rats ass if any or all of this is true or not. The fact is, all this negative attention is creating too much of a distraction to properly attend to the business at hand of representing the people as mayor of the largest city in Canada. If HIS ROYAL FATNESS really cared about the people he represents, he would step aside and let someone else take the helm.

In the new world, political figures who create controversy, proven or alleged, will be removed from office.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 22 May 2015

Rule #230: Judges

Pro se legal representation means advocating on one's own behalf before a court, rather than being represented by a lawyer. This should be the norm, not the exception.


They say a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client, but why should we need lawyers to represent us in court? If court cases are based on who has the better lawyer, then that tells me judges are dim witted knuckleheads who can't make a judgement based on facts.

One of the problems is accountability (or lack thereof). Why are judges not held accountable for mistakes? Take the case of a 27-year-old man from Michigan who was driving his car when another car hit him from behind in a minor rear-end collision. Four years later, the man sued the driver of the other car for changing his sexuality. Apparently he had turned gay over those four years and left his wife, and he felt that the only cause could be the accident. He must have really liked getting rear ended. The disgusting part about this is that he actually WON THE CASE!, and $200,000 from the other driver. His lawyer must have been wearing one hell of a suit! This judge should have been fired!

There is a published statistic that over 90% of people who go into court usually settle before an actual trial. This proves that most people in court are after money. One report indicated that Canada’s justice system is badly out of the step with the times and the needs of the people it purports to serve.

 Facts are facts! You shouldn't need a high priced lawyer to prove

your case. Even if you have a grade 3 education and don't possess the literary skills to present your case, if the facts indicate you're right, an educated, intelligent judge should be able to make a determination based on those facts. If he can't, he should be fired. If lawyers report to judges and are at the mercy of the courts decisions, that should mean judges are a smarter, higher power than lawyers. Ipso Facto... lawyers should be redundant.


In the new world, all current judges will be terminated and a new order of judges will be retrained. And there will be accountability! Judges will no longer be able to sit on their high and mighty asses with their holier than thou attitude thinking "I don't care about this case, I'll just decide in favor of the lawyer with the nicer suit and if the poor innocent sap goes to jail, at least I'll make my 2:00 tee off at the big fat judges golf and country club!"

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Thursday, 21 May 2015

Rule #231: Orange juice with pulp

If you're going to make OJ, I say finish the job. If we're going to do things half ass, why don't we just make cars without wheels or houses without roofs. Save the pulp for the paper mills or movies with John Travolta. 
  I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, because when OJ is on sale, all that's left is the pulp filled crap. I'm convinced that the orange juice manufacturers don't maintain their equipment very well. Which cannot be due to lack of revenue. The most popular flavour for the American 100% juice market is orange, with almost 60% of the retail volume market share. Orange is also the most popular flavour for the juice drinks market, with 22.7%. Nonetheless, There must be frequent breakdowns and when the OJ only gets half done, they hawk it as "with pulp" when in reality it should be labelled "almost done".


In the new world, pure orange juice will be sold as such.

OJ with pulp will be sold as crushed oranges.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Rule #232: Campground security


Have you ever read the rules at a campground? Of course not. The only reason you collect that regulatory documentation is to start your fire. When you first get there, all you can think about is cracking a beer and putting the drive out of your mind. 


The security guards at some campgrounds have the ultimate job. They got you by the balls and there's nothing you can do about it. If you break the rules, you're out. If they THINK you broke the rules, you're out. If they don't like you because you're having fun and they aren't, they can SAY you're breaking the rules and you're out. And this aint like making noise at home and getting a fine. No sir! You and your party of no-good beatniks are out on the street in a foreign country and your car is towed. Very costly. Very inconvenient.

All this is really moot point IF proper rule enforcement is employed. The root problem is the security at campgrounds are young men who are given a position of relevant authority. Imagine a 22 year old security guard who has less than an exciting life outside of the campground with a 19 year old trainee. I can hear the conversation now....  
"Hey rookie, see that? that guy just put a plastic cup down on the picnic table. Looks like a 10-92 (beer pong in progress) LET'S ROLL."

In the new world, one of the conditions of employment as campground security is 10 years camping experience & be a guitar player.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Tuesday, 19 May 2015

Rule #233: Sun days

We have snow days, why not sun days

Snow days are based on safety. It is apparently unsafe to go to school when there is too much snow. Not too unsafe, however to go outside and throw snowballs at the snow plow.



I believe that it's just as unsafe to go to work on a perfect summer day. No one can focus on work (except me, of course) and people are so unhappy that someone is going to lose it and shoot the place up. In order to avoid another postal incident, there should be a bank of sun days. When the sun rises and conditions are just right, a higher power, wiser than ourselves, will make the call and push the "SUN DAY" button. The next 12 hours of our lives will be filled with the stuff dreams are made of. A perfect day with no plans. 
12 hours spent biking, swimming, gardening. Or my personal fav, drinking in the garage. And when the sun sets on that perfect day that we would have otherwise spent working for the man, we'll reflect back and be better people for it.


In the new world, when certain criteria are met, (NE wind @ 5K/hr, 27 degrees, low humidity, and of course full sun) school and work will be called off.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 18 May 2015

Rule #234: Garbage collection

In my neck of the woods, garbage is collected each and every week. Without fail. No matter the weather. And as I watched the dude collect it today, I realized it is a great service. And in my opinion, also a fantastic waste of resources and public money.

It's wrong on so many levels. Especially in a world where we're trying to promote recycling, composting and the like. What motivation would anyone have to exercise any of the three R's when all of their crap can be tossed in a bag and picked up every 7 days.

There's no reason to collect garbage every week. In my house of 4 consumers, I put the garbage out every 2 weeks. Sometimes 3. How is that possible, you ask? Easy. Follow the 3 R's. The first being the most important. Reduce. Do you need the definition? Here's the translation of reduce: Stop buying so much crap to throw out!

Is it necessary to buy all the latest throw away gadgets that come on
the market? What do you remember about Christmas' past?  Do you remember the toy you got when you were eight years old? While occasionally a certain gift or toy sticks out in your mind from a memorable holiday season, more often than not it's experiences and traditions that stay in our memories for years to come. Why not start giving gifts that create memories for your loved ones that they will cherish for years . I can give you one example. This past Christmas, for my brother and his family, I purchased a bunch of steaks and all the fixins' and prepared a fantastic (and I mean I outdid myself) meal for everyone. Great meal, great memories and instead of putting all the presents out for the garbage man to take to the landfill, we just flushed them down the toilet. Like we would have anyway.



In the new world, garbage will be collected according to the following schedule:

Compost every week

Recycling every 2 weeks

General garbage every month

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Sunday, 17 May 2015

Rule #235: Football players suing the NFL for injuries

Lawyers for former players who are suing the NFL over concussions said that the league has profited from "glorified violence." 

Wow, what a revelation! Too bad the players didn't profit as well. Uh, well unless you consider being paid millions suitable compensation. And it's too bad the NFL forced them to play without the option of getting a real job in a concussion free environment like McDonalds.

David Frederick, who is representing the players, also said that the league knew about concussion issues for decades prior to the creation of the NFL's Mild Traumatic Brain Injury committee in 1994. 


Wow, what a revelation! The NFL knew that smashing your head repeatedly could cause concussion issues, and neglected to enlighten the rest of the world? I better not hear football players weren't warned about grass stains from real turf.

More than 4,000 former players, who claim to be suffering from ailments ranging from dementia, depression, Alzheimer's disease and other neurological problems. Jeezus, I should get in on this. I have ALL those symptoms.

Alright, I thought about ending this entry with these facts. But then I thought, "I'm not coming all this way to pull a Leon Lett and spike the ball on the five yard line! No way! I'm going all the way in and doing the Icky shuffle. So here's my final thought.

You played in the NFL for 10 years and now you're semi-retarded and looking for a way to make some more easy money because you never learned how to make an honest buck and you blew the millions you were given on hookers and blow, or whatever you kids do these days. Forget about suing. You never had a real job. You were compensated handsomely and you aren't responsible with money.



In the new world, frivolous lawsuits like these will not be heard in the New World court.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!