Thursday, 21 August 2014

Rule #139: Concert beer prices

In a couple of hours J & I are off to see Alice in Chains. Also headlining is Jane's Addiction. I'm really pumped for this. I love these bands. It's an outside show and it's a beautiful day. The only thing I'm NOT looking forward to is digging into my kids education fund to have a beer. The last time I went to the MOLSON ampitheatre... That's right "MOLSON" ampitheatre. The same beer company I've been sacrificing my health for, over the last 30 years of my life, is preparing to rip me the fuck off as much as possible because... well, I guess because they can. They coral you into a venue after frisking you to make sure your not sneaking anything in that will compromise the profit margin and serve your ass to you with a smile.
Anyway, the last time I was there to see Kiss and Motley Crue, I
offered to drive. So I lined up to buy someone a beer and get a water for myself. While I was in line, Shayne strolled up out of nowhere looking a little parched. So I ordered 2 beers and a water. The girl passed me my drinks and yelled "blah something blah fifty". I couldn't make out the beginning so I assumed it was $20.50. A little hefty for 2 beers and a water but I handed her 2 twenty dollar bills and waited for my change while she stared at me blankly. So I asked "how much was that?" She cleared her throat and yelled loud and strong "FORTY DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS!". JESUS CHRIST ON A BICYCLE! I yelled back to her.. "DID YOU JUST PUT THE REST OF THE CASE IN MY CAR FOR ME?" That concert was in Toronto, NOT Ushuaia. So it's not like they had to chopper the beer in. I was so pissed off I ended up drinking the beers myself. This is basically theft with a smile.
I was not impressed and swore I would never go back to that place for a concert ever again. We'll see how tonight goes.

In the new world, event organizers will charge what is fair. Not what they can get away with. Or I swear, if they try to over charge me, they'll be on the receiving end of a flying cheetah donkey smash!


Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Rule #140: Speedometers

The maximum speed limit in Canada is 110Kph. In 'Merica, the highest speed limits are generally 75 mph (121 km/h) in western states and 70 mph (113 km/h) in eastern states. Why the US of A refuses to move out of the dark ages and join the rest of the world by adopting the metric system of weights and measures,.. I do not know. I guess they like to keep things confusing for everyone else.
Irregardless, the speedometer on my Toyota Matrix tops out at 200Kph or124.27Mph. Even though I doubt she could get to that speed, why would Toyota even install a speedometer that registers that high? Are they promoting speeding? I'm sure Toyota's developers are aware of Canadian speed limits. Especially since the Matrix is built in Canada.  
And what about the sports cars?

The speedometer on a new Corvette tops out at 320kph! 320! What the hell was Chevrolet thinking? Did they design the new vette' for space travel? It seems a trifle redundant to design a car that can travel at 3 times the speed limit.

Come to think of it, it must be a giant conspiracy. Imagine all the lost revenue that normally finds itself into the public coffers thanks to speedy cars. The Ontario government claims it's owed over a billion buckaroos due to unpaid traffic fines. So, I imagine all the fines that have been paid amount to a pretty penny. Therefore it's likely our government would encourage speedier cars as opposed to governing cars to the speed limit. Well the jig is up!

In the new world, all cars will be equipped with a governing option and once activated, all speeding tickets issued on major highways will be directed to the manufactures.


Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Rule #141: Well days

 I've said it before and I'll say it again: We put way too much emphasis on working. I don't want to create a society of deadbeats, but going to our meaningless jobs day after day sucks. We don't like doing it. There's so many other things we'd rather be doing. So calling in sick when we feel like crap just to lay around eating soup and watching Oprah seems unproductive and a waste of a free day. This is why we need "well days". These marvels of social advancement for the new world will be similar to "Sun days". Calling work and explaining that you will be unable to come to work today because "I feel way too good" will be a perfectly reasonable excuse.
You'll know when you need these days. It'll be when you get up before your alarm goes off and you arise feeling great. It's a beautiful morning and you think "There's no way I can go to work today, theres too much I'd rather be doing". So you make the call. "Hey boss, I'm not coming in today, I feel way too fucking good, see ya tomorrow"... Maybe. But these days will not be for sitting around doing nothing. You will be required to bring in documentation of how you spent your "well day". Like a huge bar tab or pictures of you doing something productive.

In the new world, we'll have equal numbers of well days as we do sick days.


Monday, 18 August 2014

Rule #142: Toilet terrorists

 Public "toilet terrorists"! You know who I'm talking about. People who walk into a common can, destroy the cubicle and walk out without flushing their last burrito land mine into the river system. These people must be stopped! I purposely describe them as terrorists because it's like leaving a bomb in a public place. Think about when you stumble upon one of these "bombs". You stroll into the loo expecting to expel last nights toxins, open the door nonchalantly, then there it is! KA-BOOM! You throw your arm up in defence, fall back against the door and almost fall down backwards. You've been struck by the toilet terrorist.

 How can you go into a public shitter, take a dump and walk out leaving the bomb for someone else to diffuse? It's terrorism I tells ya! Or did you forget that you dropped a deuce?  Do your eyes suddenly open up when you walk outside the can, wondering how in the hell you got there? If you can’t flush the potty like a big boy or girl then maybe it’s time to look into adult diapers.

In the new world, non flushers will be pinned down by Dr. Phillip Buttersworth III and he'll rub baby powder on your tushy and apply a diaper that you will wear until such time that you are aware of proper public toilet etiquette. If you're lucky, he'll blow on your belly and jiggle his keys.

Dr. Phillip Buttersworth III


Sunday, 17 August 2014

Rule #143: Fancy coffee shops

There's something about these places that short-circuits something in my brain the moment I walk in. I won't mention the obvious: Starbucks. That's too easy. That's kinda like picking on the one legged boy in an ass kicking contest. There's a lot of these types of places around, and when I want a coffee and NOT a Mochachocowhoopiedoopietwistafoamalatte, I expect to walk in and order a large coffee. Just a basic coffee. But I find myself waiting in line behind all these confident people (who spent 4 hours on their hair to make it look like they don't care about their hair) and thinking about what I'm going to say that can make a regular run o' the mill coffee appear before me. All the other people in line are chatting and laughing, apparently not rehearsing their order in their head. They arrive at the counter and recite what sounds like a line from a cento poem and before you know it, they're wiping foam off each others nose as they climb into their Nissan Leaf. Then it’s my turn to order. Kind of like the drive through, they need special lines for people like me. It usually goes something like this:
Employee: "Hi, Welcome to Moonbucks, what can I get for you today?"
Me: "Um. Yes. Um. Hi. Um. Do you have coffee? I would like a large, coffee, just coffee, you know regular stuff that you drink and usually it's hot with some milk or something and it doesn't really taste good but. Um. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Um. Yeah, I'll be back in a second."
They know I'm not coming back.

In the new world, even fancy coffee houses will have a "redneck coffee line".


Saturday, 16 August 2014

Rule #144: Celebrity news

 Do I really need to know that the Kardashians just ate a salad and are still fat? I'm talking about the fat one that used to be hot after she was fat then got hot and is now fat again. Not the fat ugly one who was always fat and ugly that nobody really cares about anyway. Who would think this is news? I know there's someone out there reading this right now thinking "if I can't follow what the celebs are doing, I don't wanna live". Admit it. You're out there.
 Why is it that most of us can't name the capitol of P.E.I., but without hesitation we know that Rhianna wore a blue bikini to the beach last week (well, that might be newsworthy... MIGHT be). Wouldn't it be amazing if these celebs also eat food and breathe air, just like us! We already know they fart just like us. I mean honestly, what the hell has become of the human psyche that we care more about a spoiled gazillionaire brat than we do about our struggling neighbour or the state of the environment?

Well that's it! I've had it with this crap! We, the people of the new world, are going for real change here. I don't know how we're going to do it, but here we go...

In the new world, we will have as much interest in the daily lives of celebrities as we do in answering the door for Jehovah witnesses.


Friday, 15 August 2014

Rule #145: Cell charges

  I hate getting ripped off! And so do you, I bet. It pisses me off when we get rooked because the rooker just feels they can get away with it. That's why I'll never go to Vegas. 12 bucks for a drink, whatever dude. Yet we allow this to happen. Why? At least we don't have a choice where death and taxes are concerned. One of the most blatant offenders of this are the cell phone companies. Does it really cost your service provider anything to give you call display? I'm thinking it's a matter of clicking the "add call display" button at the providers end. It's not like they have to type the name and number of every call into a display machine every time a call display customer receives a call. So why charge me 5 bucks a month for a one time service worth 16 cents? Because they can, that's why. It's part of the whole "screw everyone over for as much as you can" mantra we worship these days. I tell ya, I'm so frustrated with this attitude, I don't know whether to spit or cry.

  And I'm guessing my service provider doesn't need to charge for all these extras. Why do I think that? What makes me the option charge aficionado? Well, let me see. It appears my provider had enough spare change hanging around to BUY THE FUCKING SKYDOME! Ted's lucky he's dead, man. If he tried pulling this crap in the new world, there would be consequences and repercussions!
And what's with 3 year contracts? Is it really necessary? Don't answer that. Of course it's not. They're such bastards. Man, I want to punch them in the face so hard! But for now... 

In the new world, any useless pay for nothing fees will be waived!