Saturday, 25 October 2014

Rule #74: Wedding vows

"Until death do us part!" - Let's start with that -  Basically that means "If I'm planning to break up with you, I have to kill you. Or me. Or both of us." Basically, someone is going to die.

"Honor and obey"... Try and play that card someday, and let me know how it turns out. Especially with one of those Oprah wannabe's. They'd be all like waving that finger in the air going - "SAY WHAAAAT? Honor and obey? You're gonna be obeyin' the toe O' my boot if you don' get yo ass on outta here, boiiii!"

And promising to be "faithful and true"? That's a heavy load, man.
Nobody can guarantee without a shadow of a doubt that they'll always be true and faithful. Most people try. And many succeed. But to say that you will never be unfaithful - EVER - before God - c'mon! Say you're walking home from the bar, feeling pretty good and Jessica Alba stops and picks you up and says she won't let you out of the car unless you have sex with her. I know that's technically rape, but you know what I mean. Ladies, feel free to exchange Jessica with Brad. Don't you even SAY, Brad who?  
My point is this, wedding vows should be a little more realistic. Something like this perhaps:


I, _____, take you, ______, to be my wedded wife. I promise to do my best as a husband, and not fuck up too often. I'll try not to stay out too late drinking with the boys, but sometimes I might so don't get too pissed off when I do. I'll do dishes at least once a week and shave my balls as often. I will do my best to be faithful and promise to let you know when your ass gets too fat. And finally, I don't even believe in God, so remind me why I'm in a church?


I, _____, take you, ______, to be my wedded husband. I promise to do my best and not get bitchy for no reason more than once a month. I'll try not to watch too much Oprah or get caught up in soap operas and then look at you in disgust because instead of being like the shirtless, romantic hunks on t.v., you're slouched back in a lazy boy with pretzel crumbs all over your shirt. I'll do my best to be faithful and try not to let my ass get too big.

In the new world, wedding vows will be a little more realistic to take the pressure off.

Friday, 24 October 2014

Rule #75: Designated drivers

This is a nice concept. Keep everyone safe and happy. Keep impaired people from driving. But it's a totally flawed concept. Designating one of your friends to be the driver for the night. If you're going out with your friends, that means they're probably like you. Ipso Facto... They like to drink! So, someone is either going to have a terrible time standing there watching everyone else get hammered and trying to keep up with all the drunk talk, or sneak a few drinks in and drive drunk anyway.
Have you ever tried to decide on who's going to drive just before you head out? Unless you have a pregnant friend, everyone looks around the room awkwardly, avoiding eye contact until someone jumps on the driving grenade. Then everyone gets drunk and we take a cab anyway. And no one wants to hang out with a pregnant chick, Am I right?
There has to be a better way. Think of all the lonely people who sit at home every weekend because they don't drink or can't afford to go out. They're probably alone because they don't drink. Without alcohol your pool of potential mates dries up quickly. I'm sure a group of people would be happy to splurge for a couple of sodas and a few wings to have a personal chauffeur hang with them. And the driver would be better off enjoying a free evening out. We've gotta find a way to get these people together.

In the new world, the designated driver program will be based on connecting lonely people with drunks who don't give a fuck.


Thursday, 23 October 2014

Rule #76: ODD

No, it doesn't say odd. It's an actual acronym - O.D.D. It IS odd. but it's not the word odd. Check it:

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) is a childhood disorder described by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) as an ongoing pattern of anger-guided disobedience, hostility, and defiant behavior toward authority figures which goes beyond the bounds of normal childhood behavior. Children suffering from this disorder may appear very stubborn and often angry.

A child? Stubborn and angry? Nahhhhhhhh., I don't believe it.
Apparently, to be diagnosed with ODD, a child must exhibit 4 of the 8 symptoms listed below:
  • Actively refuses to comply with majority's requests or consensus-supported rules 
  • Performs actions deliberately to annoy others
  • Angry and resentful of others
  • Argues often 
  • Blames others for his or her own mistakes 
  • Often loses temper 
  • Spiteful or seeks revenge 
  • Touchy or easily annoyed
Are you fucking kidding me? Those aren't symptoms! They're descriptions... OF EVERY FUCKING TEENAGER ON THE PLANET!
Gee, I wonder if there's a medication that can be purchased to treat this "disorder"? Oh, and guess what? Of the 170 DSM panel members 95 (56%) had one or more financial associations with companies in the pharmaceutical industry. One hundred percent of the members of the panels on 'Mood Disorders' and 'Schizophrenia and Other Psychotic Disorders' had financial ties to drug companies. What a crazy coincidence that the people who decide what constitutes a "disorder" happen to be the same people who profit from the sale of drugs that medicate these disorders. Craaaaaaaaazy coincidence.

Seeing as we're labeling every mood in existence, I'd like to submit a condition to the DSM.. (F.U.C.K.) - Fed Up Coming to worK - Ok, it's a stretch, I know. I guess I could've went with (DWWD).. (Don't wanna work disorder) but you know where I'm going with this.

In the new world, creating new disorders for the sake of profit will be prohibited.


Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Rule #77: Searching for space aliens

According to Hollywood, alien life forms seem to be a shit-ton smarter than us, so if they want to find us, they'll find us. I say stop wasting money and resources on trying to find them. The amount of money wasted on trying to contact alien life forms is astronomical (pun intended, thank you). Mostly private money, but it could still go to better use.
Even if there is life out there, why would we want to find it? We can't get along with each other as it is. Are we running out of people to hate? And what if we find aliens and it turns out they eat humans? So they start farming us like we do with cattle. Maybe cattle ruled the earth and we were the aliens that cattle reached out to a million years ago? Did you ever think of that? Now the cows are all like
"Moo... we really fucked that up,.. moo."
Or even worse, what if they're looking for work? Now we've got aliens in the unemployment line, at the soup kitchen...

You know what? I wish everyone would just relax. We're bored. That's the problem. Take a look around. Hey rich people, you see what's going on around you? Child abuse, pedophiles, global warming, snowblowers, male pattern baldness, etc..... We can't invite strangers into our house until we clean it up. Can you imagine what they'd say about us? "You should see the little blue / greyish planet down the way, no wonder galaxy values are tanking."
Don't worry, if ET calls, we'll pick up.

In the new world, we'll fix our own problems before we search for new ones.


Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Rule #78: Kitchener Waterloo Oktoberfest

So Kitchener Waterloo is just wrapping up the 45th annual Oktoberfest celebration, which is touted as the "greatest Bavarian festival outside of Germany." While I admit that I always have a good time at Oktoberfest, I refuse to give credit to the Oktoberfest event. I have a good time because of the people I go with. I also don't want to trash the organizers. I actually worked on a volunteer committee for a bit and the organizers work extremely hard to do the best with what they have to work with. The problem is how the city handles it. As this is supposedly the "greatest Bavarian festival outside of Germany" I'd expect more. MUCH more.
Here's how my first KW Oktoberfest experience went. My ex brother in law (who I miss dearly) got me tickets for the "greatest Bavarian festival outside of Germany". So I'm pumped. I can't wait to get downtown where everyone's going to be walking around talking German, drinking beer in the streets, smashing kegs open, dancing and whatever else drunk Germans do when they party. Well you can imagine my disappointment when we pull up to the front door of a tent... Over a parking lot... Nowhere near downtown! And we drink shitty draught beer at a picnic table all night. I'm looking around thinking "This is the greatest Bavarian festival outside of Germany?" Whatever dude. Like I said, I had a good time that year and every year I've gone since. Because the people I party with can have a good time anywhere. Even if you put them in a cage in the middle of the street. Which is pretty much KW Oktoberfest.
This year I decided to pass on the tent deal and go to the official tapping of the keg at city hall. Well I guess it was my fault for expecting anything different. After endless boring speeches from our politicians, we shuffle down to... you guessed it... A TENT! What a surprise. Now if you wanted to get out of the tent and party on the street, no problem. Just as long as you don't leave the 20x20 steel cage attached to the tent. Preposterous! Even worse was one of my favourite bars trying to cash in by offering an "Oktoberfest" menu full of food items that sound like the noise you make when you sneeze. Let's face it, German ain't exactly the most romantic language out there. 
If you claim to host the "greatest Bavarian festival outside of Germany", you should do it right. Or send it somewhere that can. Like George st in Newfoundland or Bourban st in New Orleans. They party in the street all the time and Kitchener can't do it once a year to celebrate "the greatest Bavarian festival outside of Germany"? Maybe it's in the name. Perhaps we should change the name of Kitchener to New Kitchener. Just a thought.

In the new world, If you... oh, and I hate schnitzel... If you claim to have "the greatest Bavarian festival outside of Germany" you had better do it right, or lose the right to a community that isn't afraid to party in the street.

George st. Newfoundland


Monday, 20 October 2014

Rule #79: Football vs Church

I assume the original head of the NFL, Jim Thorpe, neglected to consult God on NFL scheduling. Perhaps he was an atheist.
As a huge football fan, I was always pissed off that all the games were scheduled on Sunday. It made for an exciting Sunday, but if I had plans to be away or had to play hockey I had to miss all the games. Plus, I don't have the cognitive capacity to concentrate on more than one game at a time, so at the most, if I dedicated 12 hours to football, I could only get 3 games in anyway. I always thought they should spread it out over the week like hockey. They're making improvments with Thursday & Saturday games in addition to the Monday nighter, but I don't watch much football anymore, so thanks for nuthin'.
And who the fuck are all these religious running backs praying to when they score a TD? God? What do they think, God is all like "Hey, thanks man. I needed those points to cover my spread." If he's the God I've been taught to fear, he'd be more like "Whatever dude, why the fuck ain't you in church?.. Maybe a good old fashioned dose of cancer will change your ways!"

In the new world, football will be spread out through the week and church will be at 5:00 on Friday afternoons to help keep old people off the streets during rush hour.

Sunday, 19 October 2014

Rule #80: Dooring

I'm not addressing this because I'm a cyclist and it's not my fault they gave it a stupid name but in a world where we promote healthy living and sustainability, it's an issue that requires attention because bicycle commuting is a big part of those values. Dooring is when the door of a parked or stopped car opens and hits a cyclist riding by. The only thing that's new here is the name... DOORING! The concept has been around as long as roads, cars and bikes have been interacting. Cyclists are more aware of it because they know the result of connecting with a car door at 25kph is less than ideal. In fact, many people are hurt or even killed by this every year. The problem seems to be awareness.

I think common sense dictates that we have a look to see if opening our car door will obstruct any traffic - Pedestrian, car, bike or other. At the very least we don't want our door damaged by a passing car. But the person at the highest risk is the cyclist. A passing vehicle can take your door off and a passing pedestrian could sustain a nasty bump. But a bicycle Slamming into an open door at 25k would not be a subtle interaction. This is more prevalent than I realized. In Toronto, for example "motorist opens door in path of cyclist" collisions were 11.9% of all reported car/bike collisions in 2003. And that was 10 years ago.

What it boils down to is creating an awareness. Our current system of Implementing a dangerous situation and not telling anyone, doesn't seem to be working. For example, don't put bike lanes in the path of potential open doors without letting everyone know there's a hazard. Or perhaps we should be following suit with cities like Chicago. The current government is proposing a $1,000 fine for dooring a cyclist (in Toronto it's currently $85). As well as placing stickers on the rear passenger windows of every cab in the city, saying “Look! Before Opening Your Door." These are good ideas as long as we're careful the increase in fines is not used as a revenue generator for the city.

In the new world, bike lanes will be wide enough to include any potential hazards that may be encountered in said bike lane.