Saturday, 7 February 2015

Rule #334: Farting in public

Far too many people get a kick out of letting one rip then laugh as everyone around has to suffer with disgusted looks on their faces. I know there's worse things in the world, but man this bugs me! I admit, it can be funny. Like when you do it in front of your kid and blame it on grandma who can't hear. 

But NEVER in a small office or elevator. We all do it. Even politicians, priests and hot chicks. But you just have to use a little common courtesy. I feel sorry for my son after taco night at my smokin' hot trophy girlfriends house. By the time we head home I've stored enough of the lethal gas to turn my car into a mobile gas chamber. And in winter, he doesn't even have the opportunity to ventilate.

I think it would be prudent for us all to get a better understanding of what we're talking about. So, to educate the public and maybe clear up a few misconceptions, let's do a quick Q&A:

Where do farts come from?

Swallowed air and intestinal gas from blood combined with chemical reactions and bacteria in our guts

What is fart gas made of?

It's highly variable, but mostly carbon dioxide, hydrogen and methane

What makes farts stink?

It's not what you think. It's hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole

How much gas does a normal person pass in a day?

About half a litre
"HOLY CRAP"

Is it true that some people never fart?

No

Do movie stars fart?

Yes

Do men fart more than women?

No. Men just take more pride in it.
"Fire on the poop deck"

Is a fart just a burp that came out the wrong end?

No. It's a fart.

Is it really possible to ignite farts?

Yes

Can you light a match with a fart?

No

Do turtles fart?

Yes

What animal farts the most?

Termites. It's actually believed that they contribute to global warming

Will my farts smell worse if I inhale someone else's farts?

No

There is much more to learn about the anal exhale, but I think that's all we need for our purpose.

In the new world, one of the following rules will be voted in:
  A. You get one tester fart. If everyone is disgusted. You must stop
  B. You take a vote. If everyone agrees that the stench is worth the laugh, let rip. Otherwise, plug it
  C. At the very least, you must yell "FIRE IN THE HOLE" 3 solid seconds prior to release
  D. If all else fails, you will be required to at least put a comic spin on it. Like yelling "FIRE ON THE POOP DECK" instead of just sitting there waiting for the squished faces and comments of displeasure.


AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

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