Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Rule #282: Religion

As I need to address all God's children today, I'll have to go to the big guy himself. Since I believe prayer is the preferred method of communication here, everyone please bow your heads and join me:

Our father, who art in heaven... Listen dude, don't take this personally, we just need to come to an understanding. I know you have a lot going on, what with trying to keep 7 billion people on the straight and narrow and battling Satan n' all, so I'll try to be brief. As you're probably aware, I'm in the process of creating a new, better world for everyone. I'm sure you're down with that and you are welcome to join with all your followers, given y'all can have your disciples agree to a few changes

Religious decrees for the new world...
First decree: anyone can follow any religion they like. I mean I can't really abolish religion. That would be discrimination. If you want to follow an imaginary old dude who lives in the clouds or worship Satan or bow down to your cat, it will be your option. As long as you don't bother anyone else with it. No more door knockers!

Second decree: No more tax breaks or free money. Especially public cash. Dude, I know you need mulah, but no more handouts until you can prove that you can handle the money. Maybe get a financial consultant or something. I mean, Religion has been around for how long? And you still need more money? What did you invest it in, beta video? I know you don't want anyone to know this but it's my job. religious tax exemptions cost America a staggering $71 billion annually. Sorry man. I'll discuss the breakdown another day.

Third decree: No more hiding behind religion for the basis of fighting wars. If God is good then, ipso facto Religion should be good. So no more fighting in the name of ALLAH or whatever. And get a sense of humor. If someone makes fun of you, laugh or don't look at it.

 I think that about covers it. Aside from the fact that you need to stop sending people to hell. I hear there's no AC.


In the new world, believe in what you want, just keep it under control.
Besides, we all know who everyone really worships, don't we!

Happy Easter everyone!

Monday, 30 March 2015

Rule #283: Bouncers

Personally, I have known some bouncers who are pretty cool dudes. I have also given some unknown bouncers just cause to kick my ass. Like the time I thought it would be a good idea to tickle everyone in the bar... including the bouncers. What did I learn from that? For one thing, it's surprisingly easy to incorporate "gitchy, gitchy, goo" into almost every rock song ever written. (especially "stroke me" by Billy Squire). Try it one time... "Stroke me, stroke me, STROKE!... STROKE!" Now try... "Git chy, git chy, GOO!...GOO!"
Works pretty good, eh?

In the new worl.... wait a minute, where was I? Oh yeah.. Bouncers.

Despite the good efforts of many, like most professions, it only

takes the ignorance of a few to paint the lot with the same brush. It's those few I want to address. We've all seen them. The huge dude who's so hopped up on roids, he's twitching at the chance to smash someone's face off the bar. Any ripped strong (sober) dude has the ability to defuse a potentially volatile situation without causing harm. And like I said, most of the time that happens, but too often it's a situation of a HULK wannabe releasing frustration and showing off, which leads to unnecessary, justified violence.

In the new world, bouncers will be trained to exercise restraint.

Sunday, 29 March 2015

Rule #284: Slow moving pedestrians

If I stop my car to let you cross a parking lot or an intersection, have some respect and HUSTLE! You may not know this, but I'm kind of a big deal, and, ipso facto... I have places to be.

But that's not really the point. I'm talking about common courtesy. When someone holds a door open for you, you say "thank you." Likewise, when you're trying to cross the street and someone stops to let you cross, slowly sauntering your way along like you got nuthin' to do is like saying "thanks for holding the door, but F you! You owe it to me!

Come to think of it, this shouldn't just happen when someone let's you cross. Even if you have the right of way at a light, Shelf your sense of entitlement for a second and move it along!

In the new world, if someone is walking too slow and holding you up, you have the right to run them over!.... Alright, alright. Settle down. No running them over, but they will have to answer to the rule enforcer...
Dr. Phillip Buttersworth III

Dr. Phillip Buttersworth III


Saturday, 28 March 2015

Rule #285: Nutrition

During your last appointment with a physician of any sort, specialist or primary care, what happened?
•Did you have a chat about diet, exercise, nutrition, eating plans, or stress management?
•Were you cautioned not to consume too much refined sugar or flour?
•Were you given advice on natural supplements or lifestyle changes that can help you achieve optimal health?
Or did the entire appointment simply address the symptoms you came in with or a screening for an illness you might have? And did it end with the doctor giving you a prescription?

Often, when we take a prescribed drug, we're injesting a substance
to countermeasure all the substances we've subjected our body to which is causing our problem to begin with. It's like taking an anti-virus to correct an ingested poison. If you're feeding your body all kinds of sugar, flour and fats and not living a healthy lifestyle, you SHOULD be sick.

Many times, what is really bothering a person is not cured with a pill, but rather through exercise, physical therapy, or diet changes. This should be the focus of medical school with medication and drugs being a last resort.
A report commissioned by the National Research Council concluded the following:
 “The teaching of nutrition in most U.S. medical schools is inadequate. . . All students should be given a course or its equivalent in the fundamentals of nutrition during the same years in which other basic sciences are offered.”
Crazy, eh? I wonder how the pharmaceutical industry would feel about that?

In the new world, nutrition and healthy living will be a bigger part of the public school curriculum, and make up at least 50% of the medical school program.

Friday, 27 March 2015

Rule #286: Taxes

Everyone thinks we pay too much tax. I disagree. The idea behind taxes is for everyone to contribute to the progress of our society and the development of good social programs. I'd even be happy paying MORE taxes. As long as the money goes to good use. And therein lies the problem. We don't like paying tax because of the gross mismanagement of public funds. If I was going to contribute more to tax, the stipulation would be a restructure of government. What's wrong with government? Well, we have too much for one thing. If government was run like a successful business, I would think we could cut political staffing by 50%. Less government would mean less people to argue with each other, which means more would get done. Just imagine the world we would be living in if we had half the government and more funds. The reality, however, is that with less, more productive government.. LESS tax would be required.


In the new world, everyone will be willing to pay fair taxes based on the new political structure, and the tax rate for over $1m earners will be 90%.


Thursday, 26 March 2015

Rule #287: Bottled water

75% of our world is covered with water. Only 1% is drinkable. If we don't get smart, we WILL run out!
We waste water in many ways, but bottling it just promotes over consumption and waste. Here's some bottled water fun facts:

In 1999, the National Resources Defense Council (NRDC) published the results of a four-year study in which researchers tested more than 1,000 samples of 103 brands of bottled water. These researchers found...

“An estimated 25 percent or more of bottled water is really just tap water in a bottle—sometimes further treated, sometimes not.”
If bottled water does not necessarily offer purer water than tap water, surely it provides a better tasting water product, right? Not so. Bottled water does not always taste better than tap water.
In an interesting study conducted by Showtime television, the hosts found that 75% of tested New York City residents actually preferred tap water over bottled water in a blind taste test.
Bottled water is under the authority of the FDA, while the EPA —under much stricter standards—regulates tap water.
The EPA requires that tap water be tested several times a day and the findings are made public.
The FDA requires bottled water to be tested much less and the results do not have to be made public. Further to that, if the water in the USA is packaged and sold in the same state, it may not be subject to these rules at all.
A much better alternative is to purchase a reverse osmosis unit to install in your home. This will most likely provide the same quality water that you will get in any bottle.

In the new world, water will not be bottled.

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Rule #288: Lunch etiquette

Maybe I'm the only one in the world who feels this way, but I can't stand trying to have lunch with someone who can't put their damn phone down for 60 seconds! Why, in my day, phones were attached to walls and used when necessary, not obsessively. Like if your house was on fire or you needed a pizza ASAP and didn't feel like making one. Oh how times have changed! But really, if you're eating with someone, have the courtesy to give your lunch date your full attention. What could be so important? Is it that you just have to let everyone know that you're eating the first Easter donut of the season?

In the new world, anyone caught texting inappropriately will have their phone smashed out of their hands and be subjected to a public scolding.



Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Rule #289: Honey garlic

Who thought to put these flavours together? Has anyone ever made a honey and garlic sandwich? No. Why? Because it's grody to the max! Or so says my smokin' hot trophy 80's girlfriend.
I'd rather have peanut butter & cheese. Why can't I order peanut butter and cheese wings? Or get a rack of peanut butter and cheese ribs? I'll enter that in the next ribfest!

In the new world, when honey and garlic wings are ordered, the response will be "gag me with a spoon" do you want fries with that?

Monday, 23 March 2015

Rule #290: Tanning beds

Again, another example of putting vanity before health. We know this is bad for you, yet we continue to operate, endorse and use them. What the hell is wrong with us? It's funny when you think about our mentality. We want more exercise but we drive everywhere and try to find the closest spot to the front of the mall. We want more sun, so we go inside and cook ourselves.
The risk of skin cancer increases by 75 per cent when tanning beds are used prior to the age of 35.

Six provinces have now either introduced legislation or brought in regulations that restrict tanning bed use by youth. Quebec, British Columbia, Prince Edward Island, Nova Scotia and Newfoundland have outright bans, while teens in Manitoba need to show parental consent. What does that tell you?

In the new world, tanning beds will be banished from the land!


Sunday, 22 March 2015

Rule #291: Tailgating

Tailgating is the practice of women... er, I mean people driving on a road too close to the vehicle in front, at a distance which does not guarantee that stopping to avoid collision is possible. Approximately one third of rear-end collisions involve tailgating. It's bad and annoying. And dudes, you do NOT want to get in an accident when you're tailgating with the wife in the car. You know the first thing you're going to hear... "I TOLD you, you were tailgaaaaaaatinggggggg!" You know, in that voice that makes you wish you were going 20,000Kph!
See also:

A TAILGATING party is a social event held on and around the open tailgate of a vehicle. Tailgating often involves consuming alcoholic beverages and grilling food. TAILGATING parties usually occur in the parking lots at stadiums and arenas, before and occasionally after games and concerts. People attending such a party are said to be TAILGATING. Many people participate even if their vehicles do not have tailgates. Some TAILGATING events include wheelchair races and a thing some call "The River."

In the new world, TAILGATING will be permitted and endorsed, while tailgating will be banished from the land.


Saturday, 21 March 2015

Rule #292: Divorce

For the first time in Canadian history, there are more unmarried people than legally married people aged 15 and over in this country. That info is actually a couple of years old.
Nevertheless, there's no need to fight about it anymore. Other than a few sentimental items, it should be a pretty standard operation. With around 71,000 divorces in Canada annually, you'd think we would have a solid template by now. That means in the last 10 years, we have had 710,000 practice runs at this. Yet lawyers are still getting rich off of feuding couples.
I've been through it twice myself so take my advice; all you need is an impartial, experienced mediator. And It'll be a lot less costly than a lawyer. Hell, I'll do it for $100.00 flat! Meet with him and listen to what he says then act on it. Period. Why is it that all of a sudden you want to screw someone over that you once loved anyway?

It's time to start thinking about an exit strategy before you even go in. If you're married or thinking about it, you're probably going to be divorced some day, so why not plan properly and save yourself a lot of money and hardship. The average time for a mediated case to be completed is 110 days compared with 435 days for court cases.


In the new world, all marriages will require a signed exit strategy and divorce will not be heard in court.


Friday, 20 March 2015

Rule #293: Drinking and driving

There was a tragic accident recently. A 17 month old infant was killed and her mother critically injured when their disabled car was rear ended on the hi-way by a cube van driven by an impaired driver. We have the laws in place. We just seem to be unable to get the message through. What I feel a need to challenge is the punishment for these types of situations. I don't know all the details of the situation I have referenced, so let's examine a hypothetical one. Assume the driver of the cube van is an upstanding member of society and father / husband of the year. Something went wrong for him that day and he made the ultimate of bad decisions and the result is many ruined lives. Including that of himself and his family. Of course he will do time for this. And although a lot of people probably feel that's not severe enough, what good would it serve? Locking him up won't bring the child back, help the mother recover or ease the pain for anyone. All it will do, is tear his own family apart, cost him his job and cost the taxpayers $150,000.00 /year.
As a matter of fact, this guy is probably the safest person out there right now. I'm sure he'll never drink and drive again. He'll probably never get behind the wheel again. I don't think I'd be able to (I'd probably be suicidal). There has to be something better than locking people like this up. What if he continues to work and all his money is given to the victims to help them through this. I think that makes more sense than prison for a guy like that.
On the other hand, if this guy has a previous impaired on his record, then he needs to be locked up for a long time. Obviously he's not the type to learn.

Come to think of it, the laws ARE subjective. The problem is, the variable is money.
Kills friend in 86 driving drunk, does 30 days!


Pushed Pamela Anderson, does 6 months!

In the new world, people won't drink and drive, but punishment for crime will be subjective based on the situation.


Thursday, 19 March 2015

Rule #294: Weights and measures

Map of countries that have yet to adopt the metric system

Why is the U.S. slow to adopt the metric system? Apparently cost. NASA engineers recently reported that converting the space shuttle's relevant drawings, software and documentation to SI units would require $370 million. Fair n'uff. The American pharmaceutical industry, however, went "hard metric," which means its products display only metric units. For the most part, though, the U.S. remains the only industrialized nation that hasn't made the metric system compulsory. I wonder what's holding them back? The accuracy, the ease of calculation...

I don't think cost is the only reason. It's just another example of American mentality:
"You can have my inch-pounds when you pry them from my cold, dead hands."
Not unlike bilingualism, this dual system is a pain in the ass. Many  units of measure use the same name but have very different meanings. For example, there are at least nine different meanings for the unit we know as a "ton": short ton, displacement ton, refrigeration ton, nuclear ton, freight ton, register ton, metric ton, assay ton, ton of coal equivalent and my fav, the shit-ton. As in, "I drank a SHIT-TON last night, man"
But enough is enough. Get on board America! My hot trophy girlfriend is sick of me ruining dinner because I have to convert the volume of every ingredient in my recipe.
The following is irrelevant, but noteworthy ...There is an exact unit of volume called the butt. - See Webster's dictionary:
*Butt: a measure of liquid capacity equal to 126 gallons or two hogs heads.
From another dictionary:
*An English butt is 2 hogshead of 54 imperial gallons each or ~129.7 US gallons (i.e., a UK butt is apparently slightly bigger than a US one).
*A Spanish butt is based on a wine cask and is equivalent to 140 US gallons or ~116.6 UK gallons (i.e., a Spanish butt is bigger still).
So next time someone says they have a "butt load" of stuff, just remember, that is about two 55-gallon barrels worth of stuff.

In the new world, the metric system will be adopted world wide.