Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Rule #282: Religion

As I need to address all God's children today, I'll have to go to the big guy himself. Since I believe prayer is the preferred method of communication here, everyone please bow your heads and join me:


Our father, who art in heaven... Listen dude, don't take this personally, we just need to come to an understanding. I know you have a lot going on, what with trying to keep 7 billion people on the straight and narrow and battling Satan n' all, so I'll try to be brief. As you're probably aware, I'm in the process of creating a new, better world for everyone. I'm sure you're down with that and you are welcome to join with all your followers, given y'all can have your disciples agree to a few changes

Religious decrees for the new world...
 
First decree: anyone can follow any religion they like. I mean I can't really abolish religion. That would be discrimination. If you want to follow an imaginary old dude who lives in the clouds or worship Satan or bow down to your cat, it will be your option. As long as you don't bother anyone else with it. No more door knockers!



Second decree: No more tax breaks or free money. Especially public cash. Dude, I know you need mulah, but no more handouts until you can prove that you can handle the money. Maybe get a financial consultant or something. I mean, Religion has been around for how long? And you still need more money? What did you invest it in, beta video? I know you don't want anyone to know this but it's my job. religious tax exemptions cost America a staggering $71 billion annually. Sorry man. I'll discuss the breakdown another day.




Third decree: No more hiding behind religion for the basis of fighting wars. If God is good then, ipso facto Religion should be good. So no more fighting in the name of ALLAH or whatever. And get a sense of humor. If someone makes fun of you, laugh or don't look at it.





 I think that about covers it. Aside from the fact that you need to stop sending people to hell. I hear there's no AC.


AMEN.


In the new world, believe in what you want, just keep it under control.
Besides, we all know who everyone really worships, don't we!

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!
Happy Easter everyone!

1 comment:

  1. Been told to "go to hell" numerous times before. Think I might be on the board of directors some blazing hot day...........oh well. Hell will have a way better rock band than heaven anyways.

    ReplyDelete

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