Saturday, 16 May 2015

Rule #236: Shopping cart etiquette

Next time you're grocery shopping, take a look at the width of your cart. Then take a look at the width of the aisle you're in. Notice anything? How about the width of the cart in relation to the aisle. That's right. The cart is half the width of the aisle. Therefore, if you park in the middle of the aisle while you weigh the risks of buying the cheaper 1 ply brand of toilet paper...  NO ONE CAN GET AROUND YOU! So, while you're making this all important, crap critical decision, I can't get to the last bottle of mane and tail that I so crave.
Or... are all these oblivious shoppers looking for the same non-existent product. On an endless search bestowed upon them by God. Hmmmm. NO! I got it! The giant grocery store fat cats hire old ladies to do their bidding. They plant these decoys in the stores to keep you in the aisles longer. So, while you're stopped dead in the aisle waiting for the decoy to move, you look around and BAM! You say "Oh yeah, I could use a back up bottle of relish". Maybe they aren't even human. Perhaps their robots. That must be it. So next time I'm grocery shopping and someone is parked in the middle of the aisle, I'm going to tackle them and rip their wig off and expose these evil grocery jockey exec's for the heartless bastards they are. Muhahahahahahahahahaha!

But just in case I'm wrong... 

In the new world, grocery stores will be equipped with collector lanes in each aisle. If you are caught at a dead stop in the express lanes, all other shoppers will have the right to ram your cart at full speed and laugh while you pick up all your items.



  1. I think the grocery etiquette issue is a microcosm of the whole world, and what is wrong with it; too many people that don't seem to realize they aren't the centre of the universe...

  2. That's what it's all about, brotha. Fixing the world one rule at a time.


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