Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Rule #239: You can't have your cake and eat it too

You can't? Really? What kind of sick world do we live in? This set of new rules is coming along just in time. Who is this ambassador of cake consumption that came up with this anyway? Why the hell would anyone want to own a cake, if not for the sole purpose of eating it? I find it hard to believe that many people actually obey this rule. 


If they did, I imagine we'd be overtaken by an army of angry 7 year olds. Could you imagine? Little Johnny's birthday? the kids are all
singing "Happy Birthday". Little Donny, being the attention whore that he is, signing louder than everyone else. Then, the grand finale. Johnny exhales with all his might and as the fire is extinguished and the smoke clears, the kids dive in for the kill. But NO! Hold on! Mom jumps in just in time and explains... "Sorry Johnny, you know you can't have your cake and eat it too"... (long pause) Hit the dirt beeotch! You're about to go down!

And another thing... It's a piece of cake? (I'm referencing the expression here)
Firstly, no, it isn't. I've never heard someone say "it's a piece of cake" when referring to an actual piece of cake. Who would have to explain that to someone, anyhow? Secondly, what makes cake a symbol for simplicity? How many people do you know that can bake a cake, from scratch, without instructions? I can't. Even if you can bake a cake, it's still not easy enough to be considered the poster child for ease. Baking takes a lot more time and attention than cooking. Man, cake takes a bad rap around here.



In the new world, if you have the means to possess cake, you will also be free to consume said delicacy, free of consequence.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

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