Monday, 22 June 2015

Rule #199: Fundraising for minor sports

When someone asks you, "Want to buy a chocolate bar for my kids hockey team?" What they're really asking is "I signed my kid up for hockey and I'd like you to help pay for it." It's not a charity. Your dirty chocolate money goes right to lining the pockets of the hockey team.  

 I bought my son a BMX bike last week and I didn't go around to see who wanted to contribute. Although, maybe I should. I could use the cash. In my 20 years of putting kids through sports, I never solicited for money. Even though it angered some of the other parents, but I didn't agree with it. I figured if I couldn't afford to sign them up, then I shouldn't do it. When the issue of fundraising came up, I would wave a cheque and say... I'm out. Here's my cash. I ain't soliciting for shit. 

 Do you want to know what they do with your chocolate money? They stay in nice hotels, get drunk, abuse the hotel staff and eat oysters at Hooters. How do I know? I've done it. Yes, I have spent your chocolate money at hooters. I mean, not intentionally. I didn't fund raise. The rest of the team did. But somewhere along the line your chocolate money filtered through the team, to me, to the hot waitress at Hooters. Sorry. Oh! And and some of it went to that long haired, trench coat wearing driver that drove me, two buddies and our kids to each game in Michigan cause' we were too drunk to drive all weekend. Again, sorry. But if it makes you feel better, it was a great time.

In the new world, fundraising monies will be for people who need it. I'm not responsible enough to have it. If you give it to me, I'm heading straight to Hooters!


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