Saturday, 13 June 2015

Rule #208: The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

You know who tells the truth? Innocent people. You know who lies? Criminals. And what's up with using the bible when asking suspected criminals for the truth? Do we think all criminals found God just before they decided to steal our crap or rape our children? Oh I remember, now. If you lie under oath, you face perjury charges. Which is a HUGE deterrent for someone facing murder charges. I'm definitely NOT a criminal and you can slide a bible under my left hand and I'll tell you I have a man crush on Brad Pitt. Which naturally, is absolute nonsense.

  I thought we had lie detectors. Don't they work? If not, we should
perfect them. We use breathalyzers to tell if a suspected drunk driver is telling the truth. And without the help of the good book. With the implementation of solid working lie detectors, all trials should last approximately 30 minutes. Go through all the formalities of standing and introducing the "holier than thou" judge. Actually, with a fool proof lie detector, I could preside over any trial. It would be as simple as this...;

Me: "Michael Rafferty, you are accused of raping and killing Victoria Stafford, did you rape that little girl?"

Defendant: "No, sir! I did not!" -
 Red light goes on, buzzer sounds, hot chick voice comes on "The pieceofshit defendant is lying"

Me: "Whatever dude. FRY HIM (gavel slam)...... NEXT CASE"

Defendant: "But I want a public apppeaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllll"...... voice fades as he falls to his fiery death in the "pieceofshitincinerator". I'm rolling my eyes at the ceiling shaking my head.

Me: "Bring in Ariel Castro"

In the new world, we will live by the Lie & Die rule. No lawyer, judge or jury. Just a lie detector, an incinerator and me.
No more getting off on technicalities.



  1. First off I would like to say that the bells would not be going off with that first statement in regards to the man crush on Brad Pitt and the bible wouldn't make a damn difference! Secondly, when someone is testifying and not the accussed, it's the same thing...what if I don't want to swear on the bible and feel as though my word should be good enough! I guess I would have to say that I completely agree with you on this subject!

    1. So we agree. No lie detectors and pictures of Pitt in the same room as me. Very good then.


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