New and Improved
How many improvements can you make to something that's new? If you're making improvements to something that's new, you must have made a shitty product to start with.
Don't judge a book by its cover
What better way is there to judge a book? Looking at the cover tells a lot. Look at the back cover if you want to get crazy and actually know everything about the book.
I'm only human
Unlike who? What's everyone else's excuse?
You either don't understand what same means, different means, or both.
A pair of pants
It's only one item! We also have two arms. Why don't we say a "pair of shirt" or a "pair of coat"? What gives? We either have to start saying a "pair of shirt" or "a pant". And why a "pair of glasses"?
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
There's nothing killing me right now, so I should be getting stronger by the second, right?
I thought to myself
That's kind of how it works. Unless you're Dr. Spok's cousin and can do the vulcan mind melt.
I saw it with my own eyes
No way! Here I was, thinking that you saw it with someone elses's eyes.
Can I ask you a question?
I don't mean to interrupt...
Oh, I'm sorry. What were your intentions then? An interruption is a totally controllable act. If you don't mean to, don't.
You know what I'm saying?
Hmmm... Why did you take the time to learn the English language (assuming that you did) if you're going to ask this question after every third word? You either think I have comprehension problems or you doubt your skills as a speaker. Which is it?
Can we talk?
You obviously can, so are you asking me if I have the ability to speak?
All I know is...
Really? That's it? I gave you a little more credit than that but that does explain a lot.
All I gotta say is...
This is usually followed by the longest line of bullshit you've ever heard.
First thing's first
That's profound. Did you come up wit that all on your own?
If I were you...
If you were me, you'd be talking to an idiot that is imagining that he is me.
If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times
Just untrue. You're making yourself out to look stupid.
You know what?
Yep, so save the rest.
That's what I'm talkin' about
Actually, that's what I was talking about. Get your own ideas.
It's Always in the last place you look
No shit. Does anyone keep looking after they find the clicker box?
You got up on the wrong side of the bed.
Sure did. I knew something was going to be wrong with this day after I crawled from under the bed.
Good things come to those who wait
The leftovers come to those who wait, only after the active are done toying around with them. The good things come to those who take advantage of opportunities. Lazy people sure are good at coming up with slogans.
Better late than never
Not always true. What if someone is coming to collect money. If they're late, they're holding you up. And they never showed, that would be better. In this case, "better never than late".
I could care less
Saying this means that you sort of care or that you care a lot. This also goes for those who say "I could give a fuck".
The grass is always greener on the other side
There's dirt on the other side of grass. And dirt ain't green.
Why are all the good men taken?
What you really mean is you can't find someone that's gonna put up with your bullshit.
I need some space
Great, it's all around you.
Money doesn't buy happiness
Yes. All us broke people find comfort in this bullshit.
The early bird catches the worm
Maybe it would if there were only one worm. After it rains, there are lots of worms available for the picking- so much that there will be plenty of worms available when the late birds arrive.
That's the way the cookie crumbles
Oh, that's how it works... my personal anguish forces cookies to crumble.
Too many Indians, not enough Chiefs
This saying has too many words. I would shorten it to "too many Indians".
You are what you eat
I don't eat dudes. So please refrain from calling me a cannibal.
I beg to differ
I've never seen someone "beg" to differ. They sit there with their nose up and say "I beg to differ" in a condescending tone. That's not begging, that's admitting that you feel differently. I would like to see you beg, though.
That was then and this is now
Brilliant. I guess then couldn't really be now, could it? Do you have any other obvious revelations that you'd like to waste my time with?
At the end of the day
Unless it's 11:59pm, you can't really predict what this is going to be, right? Unless of course you're clairvoyant.
It Takes one to know one
No it doesn't. So if you know and idiot or a liar, I guess that makes you one as well. Better stay in a small circle of friends.
Get a life
Well if you know where to aquire one, please dispense this advice on my death bed, will ya?
I can't wait
Yes you can, you have no other option.
What comes around, goes around
Wrong. What comes around came around and left. Even boomerangs go around then come back. Even they don't come around, then go around again. Unless you throw it again. But you can't assume everyone is going to perpetually continue to throw it.
I would like to thank you
I really hate it when people say things like "I would like to thank you" or "I would like to apologize". What does it matter that you "like" thanking people? Which is questionable. Just do it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Yeah, but with my other eye, you're ugly as hell.
I hate it when people don't understand what literally means and use it as if it were a synonym for figuratively. "I'm literally at the end of my rope"... I wish you were.
How the hell can you determine what everyone knows? Did you take up a poll to determine that every living individual knew what you are trying to prove?
And here are a few that deserve honorable mention:
There are no stupid questions
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask a question?
Cross that bridge when you come to it
Nah. I think I'm going to cross that bridge now, before I get to it, and when I reach the bridge I'll hand over my "already crossed this fucking bridge" card.
It is what it is
No shit! What the fuck else could it be?
Everything happens for a reason
Whatever dude. So what's the reason priests rape little boys? To teach children not to bend over in church? Good lesson, God!
Rules were meant to be broken
This is the only one I'm saving for it's own post. It deserves some closer attention!
In the new world, these sayings will be removed from the universal vocabulary and uttering them will result in dire consequences.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!