Friday, 17 July 2015

Rule #174: Hand washing 101

Washing hands after you use the washroom has become a real issue. Am I wrong? People actually watch other people in the can to see what they do. Did he wash? did he rinse? did he even touch the water? And if anyone ever sees you come out of the washroom without washing, you will forever be known as "poopie hands". People who know me are going to be blown away by my position on this. As a self proclaimed germaphope, I have a system. When approaching a sink in a public loo, I first remove a paper towel from the dispenser, then I use said towel to activate the soap dispenser. Then I cover the faucet knob with the paper towel and turn on the water. I wash my hands and again use the paper towel to turn off the water and dispense more paper towel for the hand drying. My hands never made contact with any publicly accessible device.

So, now that everyone knows what a germ freak I am, this next bit is going to be where it gets confusing. I don't think it's always necessary to wash your hands after using the can. That's right. Me, the germaphobe doesn't think it's always necessary. Unless you've gone #2 that is (or as my son refers to it "dropping a deuce". But even then, it's only your dominant hand that should need washing, really. Unless something went terribly wrong. I'm not going to speak for women, but with men, I see it like this. If I've had a shower recently, my entire body is clean. And I mean my ENTIRE body. So if I go to take a whiz, any appendage I touch during urine evacuation is also clean. So why would I have to wash my hands? Unless of course I've pissed on my hands. By today's post pee etiquette methodology, I guess I should be washing my weenis also. I don't think anyone wants to come in a washroom and see that act taking place. Can you imagine? The water is dispensed from the same level. So as I've got my hands under the water, while the guy next to me is.... never mind. As a matter of fact, research from Michigan State University, showed that 95 per cent of us don’t know how to clean our hands in the correct fashion anyway.

And it's such a double standard. What about when your hanging out around the fire drinking with your peeps. When you gotta go, you find a tree to stand behind and let er rip. Now, instead of standing on a concrete floor with a sober mind and good lighting. Your standing on tree roots, hammered drunk in the dark. The chances of misdirected urine is increased exponentially. And when you come back, no one says "hey did you wash your hands in the river back there?" No. They shake your hands and carry on with the drunk hug shenanigans for the rest of the night. And all the outdoor partyers are doing just fine.

Now to be clear, I still wash my hands every time I hit the head. No matter the reason. But mostly just because I don't want to be called names.

In the new world, hand washing will be determined by common sense.



  1. How many times have you been in a public washroom finishing your business and the douche beside you finishes first and walks right out without washing. There's only hand dryers, no paper towel. And you stand there and think "now what the hell am I gonna do?"

    1. Run out after him and yell... "Hey dude, did you piss on your hands? I gotta know.... dude?... DUDE?...

    2. Shirt tail


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