Friday, 3 July 2015
Rule #188: Drunk arguments
Arguing when you're drunk is like trying to fit 6 gallons of shit in a 5 gallon bucket. It don't make no sense and it just ends up a stinky mess.
Our species needs some kind of mechanism installed in our brains that recognizes when we're drunk and as soon as it detects the combination of intoxication and aggressive thought, it shuts down the vocal chords. You can still try to argue and try to yell, but no one will hear your bullshit.
I could have used this tool the other night when my smokin' hot trophy girlfriend and I were guilty of AUI (arguing under the influence). As I recall it went something like this: She was stumbling around the street while I was discussing the theory of
relativity. Then she decided to poke her head in the window of a bar and yell in "HEY FUCKERS, WAVE THE COVER CHARGE YA SONSABITCHES!" I said: "Now honey, that's a little aggressive, maybe just let's go home, ya know? It's like John Lennon said..." Then she cuts me off and yells "FUCK OFF, JERK! I HATE YOU! YOU'D GET ME IN THIS BAR IF YOU DIDN'T SUCK AT BEING A MAN ALL YOUR LIFE!" I tried to diffuse the situation by explaining "Sweetie, you've had a couple of drinks and I would just like to take you home and massage your feet until you fall asleep" She lost it "YOU FUCK ASS WHY SHIT THING Y'KNOW FUCKIN' EVERYFUCKINTIME....." needless to say it just went downhill from there and I think she mumbled something about advising me to sleep with one eye open.
What a great opportunity to test out that new mechanism. Let's get the New World scientists working on "DAD" right away. (Drunk Argument Diffuser). The DAD will be installed during the implementation of Rule #1.