Monday, 31 August 2015

Rule #129: Extended warranties

 Nothing like proclaiming to the world that you make a sub-standard product. The next time a salesman asks you "would you like to purchase the extended warranty for only $300.00?", reply to him.. "why are you trying to sell me a product that's so crappy it's guaranteed to break and the manufacturer is so aware of that, they are charging me to fix it before it even breaks?" Then knock something over and walk out.
I'm going to give you some advice. GOOD advice for once. If you've not listened to a single thing I've said over the last 8 months, heed this: Don't buy extended warranties. Here's the rationale: If you buy warranties they will eventually add up to thousands of dollars. And you may never need them. So refuse them all and if you ever do need to repair something that you didn't get the warranty for, you can write it off against the savings of unpurchased warranties.

Here are five key points to consider before purchasing an extended warranty for your items:

1. The Manufacturer's Warranty should be Sufficient. If not... Bad manufacturer.

2. Consumer Products Depreciate in Value

3. The Necessity of Repairs Is Rare
Repair rates for a variety of small electronics and home appliances range from 5 to 37 percent, which generally indicates that you're unlikely to need a repair. Considering this, it often makes more sense to save the money on an extended warranty and put it toward a repair instead, on the off-chance you'll need one.

4. Warranties Are Not Cost-Effective
They are actually extremely expensive.

5. Credit Cards Can Offer Better Protection
At least that's what my hot trophy girlfriend says.

In the new world, manufacturers will stand by their products and repair them for free.

Sunday, 30 August 2015

Rule #130: Holding establishments accountable for drinking and driving

This is just another example of the self indulgent, irresponsible masses trying to deflect blame and suck upon the teet of society's 2-headed litigious whore mother...  "Greed and Avarice".

Here's a news flash for ya'.. "BARS SERVE BOOZE.. AND THEY HAVE LOTS OF IT.. ALL YOU WANT.. ENOUGH TO GET YOU INTOXICATED" So when you go there, plan accordingly. I know I do, because honestly, when I go to the bar, I don't go for one. I don't have the cognitive capacity to have just one of something I love when there's an abundance of it to be had. Then I either get a ride, walk, ride my bike, call a cab... So If you go to the bar and get hammered, then get in your car and drive hammered, guess who's fault it is.

  • The person who YOU hired to serve you drinks?
  • The person who you would have gotten mad at if they had cut you off?
  • The person who gave you exactly what you asked for?

Forget about it! It's your fault! So act like a big boy and take responsibility for YOUR actions. I don't blame anyone for the loss of my legs.. some Chinaman took them from me in Korea! ok, I was never in Korea and it appears I have both my legs. But you get the point.

 Now, having said all that (and looking back at it, it's pretty f'd up) I'm basing it on most experiences I have at bars. You order what you want. The game changes if the rules change. For example, if the bar you're at initiates a drinking contest or somehow entices you to drink more shots than you normally would, you have a case. I don't see this happen these days, probably due to the whole situation we're talking about. Otherwise, you're on your own. In a busy bar, how do you expect the waitresses to keep track of who has had what? These poor girls are running their asses off trying to keep everyone hydrated. There's no time to survey the crowd for individual consumption rates. Bouncers? Maybe, but it's still a lot to keep track of. And how long do you think the local speak easy's will stay open if we open the doors this kind of behavior. This is going to be a real problem in the most litigious country in the world.. The good ol' USofA! Look at the message we're sending our youth "Be totally irresponsible and when disaster strikes, blame someone else."

In the new world, blame for drunk driving will fall squarely where it belongs, on the drunk driver.


Saturday, 29 August 2015

Rule #131: Movie theatre etiquette

You don't always want to go to a movie theatre and obey all the rules of theatre etiquette. On occasion you just want to go to the movie house, grab a drink at the theatre bar and go all "Rocky horror picture show" on the joint (even though that is one shitty movie). Say your at a comedy flick and it's funny as hell. Instead of chuckling politely at the appropriate times, you feel like exclaiming at the top of your lungs "No way, that's some funny shit". Or when your checking out a romantic drama and the guy screws over the chick, you feel like yelling at him, as you wipe away a tear "YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD, HOW COULD YOU". 

Or my favourite, you're digging a horror film. Then the inevitable happens. The hot chick, who's home alone at night, wearing tight daisy dukes and a white t-shirt that she had to borrow from her 5 year old sister, decides to go into the room where the weird noises are coming from. You know the bitch is gonna get whacked or offed or whacked off. So you want to help her. "Bitch! DON'T GO IN THERE BIIIITCH"! Sometimes you just want to enjoy the film like you're in your element.

In the new world, there will be 2 theatres for every movie. One for proper movie etiquette and one for the all out movie experience.

But no seat kickers. No spank you!
Seat kickers will be banished from the land!

Friday, 28 August 2015

Rule #132: T.V. Poker

 I like playing soccer. I even enjoy playing a game of baseball occasionally. Hell, I can even kill an afternoon chasing a golf ball around an open field. Of course, there's no way in hell I could ever watch any of these so called "sports" on tv. Baseball and soccer are boring enough to watch, but POKER? At least people are moving in soccer. Have we created a society so sterile that watching people play cards is profitable entertainment? Why not just air a spirited bridge match down at Golden age acres. I hear Gretta wears a low cut moo moo on Tuesdays. To exasperate the bore factor, part of the strategy is to show no emotion. In other words, TRY to be as BORING as possible. There's 2 reasons I enjoy playing texas hold em' with the boys at the Dizzy Bitch.

1. You only lose what you commit to in the beginning. No more of those poker nights with the boys coming home with one less paycheck than I left with.

B. It takes zero talent.

 That's right. ZERO TALENT. I can confidently proclaim this, as I have definitive evidence. I have played in a total of 3 Texas hold em' tournaments and I have come in 1st and 2nd in 2 of them. I lost early in the other, but I have no poker skills. I don't even know if trump beats a flush. Think about it. You don't make a lot of decisions in Texas hold em. You get 2 cards that no one else sees. The rest are face up and you can't trade any of them. It's luck of the draw. Period! You might as well play the lottery or indian poker (look it up).

If you insist on televising card games, why not make it exciting? Like have the game on a raft in shark infested waters and play with chips made of raw meat. Or play for sushi in a room full of hungry sumo wrestlers.

In the new world, we will not air boring programming like poker, when we could be showing perfectly good test patterns. Because those patterns aint gonna test themselves.

Thursday, 27 August 2015

Rule #133: Squealing tires on country roads

 I'm going out on a limb here, but I gotta do it. Even though it's going to make me look like a huge hippycrite! I think, squealing your tires on country roads should be legal. As long as you're not disturbing anyone or racing. 
I'm talkin' no traffic in sight. No houses fer miles. And no drinkin'. Just findin' yerself out in a desolate part of the countryside and sayin'.. Fuck it, I'm a gonna see what she can do. Crank Whitesnake, and let er' rip. Giver a good 5 to 10 second squakfest and be on yer way to church. Or wherever you kids go these days.

And why not? All the redneck auto racers get to do it. AND get paid for it. It looks like a shit ton of fun. I used to to it in my smokin' hot trophy girlfriends car, but I think I wrecked the engine cause' it won't do it na' more. And I've tried to do it in my 4 cylinder Matrix... forget about it. But if I did have a squeel worthy ride, I'd love to live like a race car driver for a few seconds.

In the new world, good ol' country road tire squealins' will be legal.

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

Rule #134: Gym grunters

 I find these dudes funny. But that's probably because I don't go to a gym. I may see them in funny videos or hear people talk about them, but that's about it. I'm sure they could defend themselves in some self righteous, muscle bulging fashion, but it would be lost on me. I can't imagine doing anything sober that would require me to yell at everyone to look at me. When I'm drunk, sure. I'm always yelling at people to look at the cool shit I do when I'm hammered. But sober in the gym? (I'm assuming people go to the gym sober, which is probably why you won't find me there) Forget it. That would be like going to the grocery store and yelling "OMG! EVERYONE LOOK AT THE DEAL I JUST GOT ON PURPLE TOILET PAPER, IT'S FREAKIN' AWESOME!"

  Similar to public farters, these people need to know their audience. If you're in a room full of grunters, grunt away. But if your annoying people and making a spectacle of yourself, stop it. Why are you grunting anyway? Are you trying to show off? Because it's really not necessary. We get it. It's heavy! If you're lifting something that causes you to emit an unpleasant sound, why would you want to lift it anyway?. If I have to lift something at home that would cause grunting, I get someone to help me with it. It just aint worth it.

In the new world, gym grunters will be pointed at and made fun of. And they aren't allowed to beat anyone up.


Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Rule #135: Korean dicktator Kim Jong-Un

Maybe we should get to know this Korean readah a rittah bettah. Sure, on the surface, threatening the world with nuclear war and conducting nuclear bomb testing despite international reactions that were nearly unanimous in their condemnation and denunciation of the test seems assholeish, but maybe it's us that's being too judgmental.
Perhaps he's not such an asshole...

According to some reports, Kim Jong-un was described by classmates as a shy child who was awkward with girls

Reports have suggested that he is a diabetic and suffers from hypertension.

He once got in trouble when a teacher, checking pupils’ bags for cheat notes before an exam, caught him with a bondage porn mag.

His favourite film star during his time at school was kung fu king Jackie Chan and he spent hours watching his action movies.

He once hung out with Dennis Rodman.

 Nah, even knowing these fun, interesting facts about him, I still think he's an asshole!

In the new world, there will be no Kim Jong Un! Nor will he be allowed cake.

Monday, 24 August 2015

Rule #136: Car bumpers

 This is proof that the world is careening off the sanity track at break neck speed. When cars were invented back in eighteenhundred and whogivesafuck, some smart fellow decided that a mechanism should be installed to protect the car from damage in the event of a minor bump here and there.
It seems like a practical idea to me. If you accidentally tap a parking meter, all you'll do is scuff the bumper. NOT the car. Or if you take your eyes off the road briefly to light your smoke and the old lady in front of you slams on the brakes to avoid running over a caterpillar.. no harm done. Just a small dent or scratch on the device intended to protect the actual vehicle from damage. I remember coming out of a store once to find a dude hanging around my 1975 Ford pick up with 3 on the tree and white lightning rims. That's right! Sweet machine! Those things had some groovy options. I locked my keys in that thing once and used a coat hanger to retrieve the keys through the hole in the floor under the gas peddle. They
don't make em' like that anymore. Anyway, I approach the truck and this guy says "hey, I accidentally bumped your truck". I look at the damage and say "No worries man, just a scrape on the bumper". And we go on our merry way. Try that nowadays and see what happens. A minor ding on a "bumper", (remember that thing that was designed to protect the actual car) can cost you upwards of $15,640 (front bumper of a Lamborghini Murcielago).

In the new world, bumper damage will not be recognized as car damage.

Sunday, 23 August 2015

Rule #137: Long story short

I hate hearing this. Because it means 2 things:

1. I've just had to listen to a long boring rambling that wasn't worth the time it took to tell it... 
B. I'm about to hear part 2 of said long boring story.

You see, people only say "to make a long story short" in order to break up a story that wasn't worthy of the length of time it was given in the first place. Maybe it's my ADD, but I can't pay attention to any story longer than a paragraph or roughly 74 seconds in length. Once someone breaches the perimeter of my attention span, I politely interrupt them and say "I'm sorry, but it would be rude of me to let you continue with this story when I'm actually thinking about something totally unrelated to what your blathering on about". I feel it's the polite thing to do. For the good of the land.

In the new world, claiming to make a long story short when really all you did was make a long story long will be a punishable crime.


Saturday, 22 August 2015

Rule #138: Disposable chopsticks

Landslides in Gansu, which have killed 1117 people so far, has gotten people to ponder the issue of disposable chopsticks. Because apparently, they contribute greatly to the ongoing deforestation and desertification of China, which has been blamed for causing worse floods every year.
Some crazy stats about China's disposable chopsticks industry:
  • China's population goes through roughly 45 billion pairs of disposable chopsticks a year - that's 130 million pairs a day.
  • To keep up with this demand, 100 acres of trees - 100 American football fields worth - are felled every day. That means that one acre of trees gets cut down to make chopsticks every 15 minutes.
  • That works out to 16 million to 25 million felled trees a year.
  • Usually, these chopsticks are made from birch or poplar (instead of the much more renewable bamboo) to save money. It takes 30 to 40 years for one birch tree to mature.
  • In 2006, the Chinese government imposed a 5% consumption tax and a 30% price increase on chopsticks. Apparently, the only people this initiative really stopped from using disposable chopsticks were some Japanese people.
Not so chiq meow, is it? 

 Personally, I don't know why anyone would want to use 2 sticks to tweeze food together in an effort to get it to your mouth when we have perfectly good forks and spoons at our disposal. I don't see anyone opting to rub two sticks together to make fire instead of using matches or a lighter. So why the refusal to accept advancements in the cutlery sciences?

In the new world, all chopsticks will be reusable and washable.
It's not like we throw away our forks after every meal.


Friday, 21 August 2015

Rule #139: Concert beer prices

In a couple of hours J & I are off to see Alice in Chains. Also headlining is Jane's Addiction. I'm really pumped for this. I love these bands. It's an outside show and it's a beautiful day. The only thing I'm NOT looking forward to is digging into my kids education fund to have a beer. The last time I went to the MOLSON ampitheatre... That's right "MOLSON" ampitheatre. The same beer company I've been sacrificing my health for, over the last 30 years of my life, is preparing to rip me the fuck off as much as possible because... well, I guess because they can. They corral you into a venue after frisking you to make sure your not sneaking anything in that will compromise the profit margin and serve your ass to you with a smile.
Anyway, the last time I was there to see Kiss and Motley Crue, I
offered to drive. So I lined up to buy someone a beer and get a water for myself. While I was in line, Shayne strolled up out of nowhere looking a little parched. So I ordered 2 beers and a water. The girl passed me my drinks and yelled "blah something blah fifty". I couldn't make out the beginning so I assumed it was $20.50. A little hefty for 2 beers and a water but I handed her 2 twenty dollar bills and waited for my change while she stared at me blankly. So I asked "how much was that?" She cleared her throat and yelled loud and strong "FORTY DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS!". JESUS CHRIST ON A BICYCLE! I yelled back to her.. "DID YOU JUST PUT THE REST OF THE CASE IN MY CAR FOR ME?" That concert was in Toronto, NOT Ushuaia. So it's not like they had to chopper the beer in. I was so pissed off I ended up drinking the beers myself. This is basically theft with a smile.
I was not impressed and swore I would never go back to that place for a concert ever again. We'll see how tonight goes.

In the new world, event organizers will charge what is fair. Not what they can get away with. Or I swear, if they try to over charge me, they'll be on the receiving end of a flying cheetah donkey smash!


Thursday, 20 August 2015

Rule #140: Speedometers

The maximum speed limit in Canada is 110Kph. In 'Merica, the highest speed limits are generally 75 mph (121 km/h) in western states and 70 mph (113 km/h) in eastern states. Why the US of A refuses to move out of the dark ages and join the rest of the world by adopting the metric system of weights and measures,.. I do not know. I guess they like to keep things confusing for everyone else.
Irregardless, the speedometer on my Toyota Matrix tops out at 200Kph or124.27Mph. Even though I doubt she could get to that speed, why would Toyota even install a speedometer that registers that high? Are they promoting speeding? I'm sure Toyota's developers are aware of Canadian speed limits. Especially since the Matrix is built in Canada.  
And what about the sports cars?

The speedometer on a new Corvette tops out at 320kph! 320! What the hell was Chevrolet thinking? Did they design the new vette' for space travel? It seems a trifle redundant to design a car that can travel at 3 times the speed limit.

Come to think of it, it must be a giant conspiracy. Imagine all the lost revenue that normally finds itself into the public coffers thanks to speedy cars. The Ontario government claims it's owed over a billion buckaroos due to unpaid traffic fines. So, I imagine all the fines that have been paid amount to a pretty penny. Therefore it's likely our government would encourage speedier cars as opposed to governing cars to the speed limit. Well the jig is up!

In the new world, all cars will be equipped with a governing option and once activated, all speeding tickets issued on major highways will be directed to the manufactures.


Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Rule #141: Well days

 I've said it before and I'll say it again: We put way too much emphasis on working. I don't want to create a society of deadbeats, but going to our meaningless jobs day after day sucks. We don't like doing it. There's so many other things we'd rather be doing. So calling in sick when we feel like crap just to lay around eating soup and watching Oprah seems unproductive and a waste of a free day. This is why we need "well days". These marvels of social advancement for the new world will be similar to "Sun days". Calling work and explaining that you will be unable to come to work today because "I feel way too good" will be a perfectly reasonable excuse.
You'll know when you need these days. It'll be when you get up before your alarm goes off and you arise feeling great. It's a beautiful morning and you think "There's no way I can go to work today, theres too much I'd rather be doing". So you make the call. "Hey boss, I'm not coming in today, I feel way too fucking good, see ya tomorrow"... Maybe. But these days will not be for sitting around doing nothing. You will be required to bring in documentation of how you spent your "well day". Like a huge bar tab or pictures of you doing something productive.

In the new world, we'll have equal numbers of well days as we do sick days.


Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Rule #142: Toilet terrorists

 Public "toilet terrorists"! You know who I'm talking about. People who walk into a common can, destroy the cubicle and walk out without flushing their last burrito land mine into the river system. These people must be stopped! I purposely describe them as terrorists because it's like leaving a bomb in a public place. Think about when you stumble upon one of these "bombs". You stroll into the loo expecting to expel last nights toxins, open the door nonchalantly, then there it is! KA-BOOM! You throw your arm up in defence, fall back against the door and almost fall down backwards. You've been struck by the toilet terrorist.

 How can you go into a public shitter, take a dump and walk out leaving the bomb for someone else to diffuse? It's terrorism I tells ya! Or did you forget that you dropped a deuce?  Do your eyes suddenly open up when you walk outside the can, wondering how in the hell you got there? If you can’t flush the potty like a big boy or girl then maybe it’s time to look into adult diapers.

In the new world, non flushers will be pinned down by Dr. Phillip Buttersworth III and he'll rub baby powder on your tushy and apply a diaper that you will wear until such time that you are aware of proper public toilet etiquette. If you're lucky, he'll blow on your belly and jiggle his keys.

Dr. Phillip Buttersworth III


Monday, 17 August 2015

Rule #143: Fancy coffee shops

There's something about these places that short-circuits something in my brain the moment I walk in. I won't mention the obvious: Starbucks. That's too easy. That's kinda like picking on the one legged boy in an ass kicking contest. There's a lot of these types of places around, and when I want a coffee and NOT a Mochachocowhoopiedoopietwistafoamalatte, I expect to walk in and order a large coffee. Just a basic coffee. But I find myself waiting in line behind all these confident people (who spent 4 hours on their hair to make it look like they don't care about their hair) and thinking about what I'm going to say that can make a regular run o' the mill coffee appear before me. All the other people in line are chatting and laughing, apparently not rehearsing their order in their head. They arrive at the counter and recite what sounds like a line from a cento poem and before you know it, they're wiping foam off each others nose as they climb into their Nissan Leaf. Then it’s my turn to order. Kind of like the drive through, they need special lines for people like me. It usually goes something like this:
Employee: "Hi, Welcome to Moonbucks, what can I get for you today?"
Me: "Um. Yes. Um. Hi. Um. Do you have coffee? I would like a large, coffee, just coffee, you know regular stuff that you drink and usually it's hot with some milk or something and it doesn't really taste good but. Um. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Um. Yeah, I'll be back in a second."
They know I'm not coming back.

In the new world, even fancy coffee houses will have a "redneck coffee line".