Monday, 17 August 2015

Rule #143: Fancy coffee shops

There's something about these places that short-circuits something in my brain the moment I walk in. I won't mention the obvious: Starbucks. That's too easy. That's kinda like picking on the one legged boy in an ass kicking contest. There's a lot of these types of places around, and when I want a coffee and NOT a Mochachocowhoopiedoopietwistafoamalatte, I expect to walk in and order a large coffee. Just a basic coffee. But I find myself waiting in line behind all these confident people (who spent 4 hours on their hair to make it look like they don't care about their hair) and thinking about what I'm going to say that can make a regular run o' the mill coffee appear before me. All the other people in line are chatting and laughing, apparently not rehearsing their order in their head. They arrive at the counter and recite what sounds like a line from a cento poem and before you know it, they're wiping foam off each others nose as they climb into their Nissan Leaf. Then it’s my turn to order. Kind of like the drive through, they need special lines for people like me. It usually goes something like this:
Employee: "Hi, Welcome to Moonbucks, what can I get for you today?"
Me: "Um. Yes. Um. Hi. Um. Do you have coffee? I would like a large, coffee, just coffee, you know regular stuff that you drink and usually it's hot with some milk or something and it doesn't really taste good but. Um. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Um. Yeah, I'll be back in a second."
They know I'm not coming back.

In the new world, even fancy coffee houses will have a "redneck coffee line".



  1. Do tou not think it's odd that they ask for your name at these places? They really don't care what your name is, and they get it wrong most of the time anyway. I went to a starbucks twice in one weekend where i became Holly for a day, then Carrie for another. Trying to personalize the fancy chain coffee shop that is going to take over the world and wipe out all the mom and pop shops with $7 mochafrappanofatpartlywhippedcinoos.

    1. You know it! Gone are the days when you could get a cup of black death juice in a good old styrofoam cup. And I forgot to mention the price tag that goes along with a mochafrappanofatpartlywhippedcinoos. Nicely done!


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