Monday, 7 September 2015

Rule #122: Heated driveways

"The basic concept of a heated driveway revolves around keeping the driveway surface warm enough to melt falling snow when it contacts the surface instead of letting it pile up."

 I actually pulled that from a website advertising heated driveways. As I finished reading, I sat back in my chair, tilted my head as I rubbed the area of my face that will someday host a distinguished looking goatee when I become wise enough to deserve one and thought; hmmm.. No shit. If you needed that concept explained to you, you should shut off your computer or close your book and... actually, forget it. If you needed that explained, you probably can't read. About as useful an explanation as shampoo instructions.

 Conversely, if you are the type of deuce ba.. er I mean person, who is likely to become a customer of one these wasteful, over consuming, over exorbitant products, I suggest you change your way of
thinking if you would like an invite to the new world party. If you have enough money to purchase an electric blanket for your driveway, you: A) Have too much money or 2) Have enough money to pay a snow removal company, or a kindly old man with a snow blower (not that I endorse that one). J and I were having this discussion in the Dizzy Bitch last night. As I recall, his educated guess on how much it would cost to run one of these units is about $17,253,415,654,666.00 per second. Or something to that effect (my memory is a little foggy on a good day, never mind after a couple of tall boys). I guess it's better than using that money to feed hungry children or developing clean energy. And at least you'll have a nice warm driveway on a cool September marnin'. Which is especially important if you drop your giant billfold on the driveway and in the process of picking it up your manicured fingers accidentally touch part of your 30,000 square foot stamped concrete heated driveway. Cause' who needs that, right? What's next? Air conditioned driveways?

In the new world, driveways will be at the temperature that God intended them to be when he invented them.



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