Sunday, 25 October 2015

Rule #74: Wedding vows

"Until death do us part!" - Let's start with that -  Basically that means "If I'm planning to break up with you, I have to kill you. Or me. Or both of us." Basically, someone is going to die.

"Honor and obey"... Try and play that card someday, and let me know how it turns out. Especially with one of those Oprah wannabe's. They'd be all like waving that finger in the air going - "SAY WHAAAAT? Honor and obey? You're gonna be obeyin' the toe O' my boot if you don' get yo ass on outta here, boiiii!"




And promising to be "faithful and true"? That's a heavy load, man.
Nobody can guarantee without a shadow of a doubt that they'll always be true and faithful. Most people try. And many succeed. But to say that you will never be unfaithful - EVER - before God - c'mon! Say you're walking home from the bar, feeling pretty good and Jessica Alba stops and picks you up and says she won't let you out of the car unless you have sex with her. I know that's technically rape, but you know what I mean. Ladies, feel free to exchange Jessica with Brad. Don't you even SAY, Brad who?  
My point is this, wedding vows should be a little more realistic. Something like this perhaps:



Groom

I, _____, take you, ______, to be my wedded wife. I promise to do my best as a husband, and not fuck up too often. I'll try not to stay out too late drinking with the boys, but sometimes I might so don't get too pissed off when I do. I'll do dishes at least once a week and shave my balls as often. I will do my best to be faithful and promise to let you know when your ass gets too fat. And finally, I don't even believe in God, so remind me why I'm in a church?


Bride

I, _____, take you, ______, to be my wedded husband. I promise to do my best and not get bitchy for no reason more than once a month. I'll try not to watch too much Oprah or get caught up in soap operas and then look at you in disgust because instead of being like the shirtless, romantic hunks on t.v., you're slouched back in a lazy boy with pretzel crumbs all over your shirt. I'll do my best to be faithful and try not to let my ass get too big.



In the new world, wedding vows will be a little more realistic to take the pressure off.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

4 comments:

  1. Haha, those are some tight Ebonics, Dogg. Word to ya mudda...

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  2. Ok, I just got that. It's Jessica Alba's face on Brad Pitt's heed... Weird.

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    Replies
    1. Yes !! That's what I meant

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