Tuesday, 6 October 2015

Rule #93: Fragrance etiquette

Q: Why do woman wear make-up and perfume?
A: Because they're ugly and they stink!

Q: Does that joke belong on the grade 6 playground?
A: Probably, but it's still funny as hell. Maybe because of my grade 6 mentality.

Coco Chanel considered perfume so important she once said, "A
woman who doesn't wear perfume has no future." Well, I say, "Whoever listens to someone named Coco has no future!"

 But let's not dilute the gravity of the issue with funny-isms...
 Shouldn't fragrance be an intimate thing, something you share with people with whom you have close contact? Your sillage, or trail of scent, should be subtle and intriguing. Never cloying or overpowering. Fragrance overload makes me madder than a hunchback at a limbo contest. I'll be walking along, happy to enjoy another wonderful day. Digging the sound of the birdies tweeting in the trees, the breeze tickling the maple leaves, the scent of the flowers.. then POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSA! A chick walking in the opposite direction crop dusting with perfume like a plane spreading agent orange. If it were visible, it would look like a 6,000 ft green cape flying behind her. Don't get me wrong, dudes are just as bad with cologne.

 How does this happen? Can't you smell it during application? Or does it smell so incredible to you that you get trigger happy and can't help yourself. I don't know what woman who wear too much perfume are thinking, but I got a news flash for ya. Men aren't thinking "Wow, does that chick ever smell gooooooooood". No. What we're thinking is "Man, that chick must stink somthin' fierce that she needs that much chemical to cover it up". And what about intimacy. Cause' everyone knows I'm the go to guy for that kind of advice. I doubt that anyone who kisses the neck of a woman would be too receptive to a mouthful of fragranced chemical.

 All is not lost if you accidentally over indulge. According to Glen
Anderson, executive director of innovation at Avon the best way to neutralize perfume isn't trying to scrub it off, he says—it's with alcohol. "Dip a cotton ball in rubbing alcohol and dab it on wherever you have sprayed too much perfume," says Anderson. "It will quickly dilute the scent." Try it, and you'll be able to diffuze that morning stink bomb.

 There's more than just an annoyance factor here. If you consider the fact that a dogs olfactory sense is a hundred times better than ours, this could be considered a form of animal cruelty. And I will not stand idly by while our pooches get attacked by our vanity missiles. No sir.

In the new world, everyone will wear appropriate amounts of eau de toilette and cologne.


1 comment:

  1. Could you consider a rule for air freshener etiquette as well? It is not necessary to empty an entire can of dollar store flowery spray after you poop....


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