Monday, 30 November 2015

Rule #38: Black Friday

I’m not arguing that it’s fun to watch “people” – for lack of a better term – turn against each other like wild animals for a perceived deal on a material product. With absolutely no regard for where that product was made, how it was made or any environmental impact that was suffered getting it here. But at the same time it’s sad to see what we’ve become. In a world where we’re supposed to be helping each other, we’d rather trample a fellow human being for a deal on some item made with slave labour in China.
I really don’t understand the whole concept to begin with. And round these parts, people actually leave their home country to join in that chaos. I don’t understand crossing the border to shop. I won’t even travel an hour down the road to the biggest city in Canada for a deal. I live in a city that has stuff. Anything I need should be here (unless it’s a can opener NOT made in China. I’m still looking for one of those). But for me to leave the city I live in to shop for something? it would have to save me a shit-ton of money. And there’s no way I’ll fight anybody for anything. Maybe I’m too passive, but I don’t see a need to fight or even line up for anything. As I’ve said before, I avoid gas stations when prices are low so I don’t have to wait.
Friday is supposed to be a holiday in the U.S. On a day that has reported assaults, fights, mobs, stampedes and even deaths, why would you want to spend your day off fighting that shit? And what was it exactly you were giving thanks for yesterday? Not to mention with all those crowds you have to be in contact with a plethora of potentially dirty people. Doesn’t sound like fun to me. I'll have to bow out of the Black Friday madness (unless the beer store gets involved, then I'll reconsider).
For now, I guess I’ll continue my tradition of eating a turkey leg in my underwear in front of the T.V. with a few beers on the day after thanksgiving. I doubt there’ll be any crowds fighting to get in on that action.

In the new world, the Black Friday mentality will be left behind.


Sunday, 29 November 2015

Rule #39: Car lock horns

Car alarms are bad enough. As I’ve said before, you never hear a car alarm when a car is actually being stolen. It’s just an annoying pain in the ass. Just as pain in the assish, is the lock horn. You know, when someone activates their door locks remotely and the car has to give a little horn blast of confirmation. What could possibly be the purpose for this? Is it really necessary to alert everyone around to the fact that you have just successfully locked your car? It’s fucking annoying. And must be stopped.
Most cars give a subtle blink of the lights. I submit that, that is enough. Why is a loud audible notification necessary? Is it for the blind community? So they know when they have succeeded in locking their doors after they drive home? Well I hate to point out the obvious, but blind people and driving is about as crazy as blind people and puppy tossing. It make a no sense.
This is just another poorly thought through, unnecessary gadget. My smokin’ hot trophy girlfriends car has this feature and every time she locks her doors and that sound of contention hits the air, I give her a heaping helping of irritation, followed by a warm bowl of indignation and finished off with a lovely exasperation soufflĂ©. Not a comfortable meal to sit through. It’s time to take these annoying tools of the devil off the menu.

In the new world, there will be no audible horn blast for door locks.

Saturday, 28 November 2015

Rule #40: Making new friends as an adult

Man, life was simple when I was a kid. It was so easy to make friends. If you saw another kid playing with hot wheels cars, you could just walk up and say “Hey, I like cars, can I play?” BAM! New friend. If you both happen to like red cars… BAM! New best friend.
Unfortunately, it ain’t like that no more. If you strike up a conversation with a stranger, there is much to consider before officially accepting this person into your circle of friends. Is this person appropriate to have around my kids, are they going to drink all my beer every time they come over, are they line budders or buttchuckers? What if they have a yappy dog? Making new friends is a complicated thing these days.
You have to be especially careful if you meet people at a bar. It’s easy to get a little overzealous when it’s close to last call. You start talking to someone after a few gallons of whiskey and the conversation starts to sound like this; “you like Black Sabbath? No fucking way! I fucking love Black Sabbath! Let’s get together tomorrow and write poetry! Yeah! Where do you live?"
In the new world, there will be an application form for adults to hand out to potential new friends.

Friday, 27 November 2015

Rule #41: Canadian seal hunt

Seals are large animals and there’s a lot of blood when you shoot them, slice their throat or whack them in the head with a club or hakapik. Personally, I cannot stomach watching seals get whacked or offed or whacked off. However, I don’t hunt or choose to loiter in a cattle slaughterhouse either. I have no desire to watch live cows have their heads cut off. I know it happens and I love a good T-bone marinated in red wine and tequila, but I choose to leave the morality up to the regulators.
The sealing industry creates a difficult dynamic. First of all, you can’t build a structure over the entire maritime sealing region to keep it out of the sight of animal rights groups. It’s a vast area and it’s a pretty graphic scene. When you smash a seals skull in, the contrast of bright red blood on white ice is hard to watch. But is it more inhumane than the cattle slaughter that goes on every day of the year in the thousands of slaughterhouses across America? Me thinks not. And what about sport fishing? Do you think fish enjoy being hauled to the surface by a hook speared through the roof of their mouth so some proud fisherman can hold it in the air for 5 minutes while he talks about his fantastic knowledge of water and fish? Why the affection for seals and not fish?
The seal hunt has some ridiculous regulations. A sealer is supposed to check for consciousness after he whacks it in the head before he slices a major artery to bleed it out. If you’re an Inuit sealer in a boat cruising through ice packs in freezing cold weather are you going to get out your stethoscope and check for vitals on every seal you kill? Me thinks not. I’ve watched some video and the fact is, some of these seals are harvested in pretty violent, inhumane fashion. That’s just a reality. It doesn’t happen to every seal and you can’t regulate it. If some sick bastard wanted to sneak onto a cow pasture and torture a cow, there’s not much you can do about it. But you don’t shut down the beef industry because of it.
Despite the fact that seals are cute and the hunt is on world display, the fact is, last spring’s commercial seal hunt off the coast of Newfoundland netted about 91,000 harp seals, far fewer than the federal quota of 400,000. Which means it’s sustainable. That’s a lot more than the world fishery can say.
The recent European Union ban on seal products undermines international trade obligations but is deemed justified due to “public moral concerns” over the animals’ welfare. The bloody images and heated rhetoric combine to pit governments and sealers against animal rights groups. This means the graphic images of cute white seals having their heads bashed in has created this “public moral concern”. Whitecoats are newborn harp seals. Most Canadians can recall pictures of whitecoated seal pups being clubbed. The images were so inflammatory that Canada banned all hunting of whitecoats and bluebacks (otherwise known as hooded seals) in 1987.
For hundreds of years, seals have been hunted for food, the lamp and cooking fuel made from their oil and their warm pelts. Seal products nowadays include leather, meat for animal and human consumption and seal oil, which is rich in Omega-3. As long as their hunted mainly for meat and not just pelts, I have no issue with it.

In the new world, sealing mainly for meat will continue and be tightly regulated.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

Rule #42: The fist bump

As a self proclaimed germaphobe, the handshake has been a long time nemesis of mine. I carefully eye up a potential handshake partner wondering where he’s been and what he’s been doing with his hands since his last shower. If you think about it, the hand is probably the least sanitary body part to intertwine with others. That’s the body part of choice with which we scratch, pick, wipe, rub and whack.
While fist bumping can sometimes have a negative stigma attached to it, it’s becoming more accepted and it's better than shaking hands — in that it transmits significantly fewer bacteria. At a time of global concern that our antibiotics are becoming obsolete, new research shows how fist bumping could save lives. The handshake exposes more than three times as much skin surface area as the fist bump, and the average contact time is 2.7 times longer. Ipso Facto… more bacteria is transmitted with the handshake. As many as 80% of individuals retain some disease-causing bacteria after washing. Almost no one washes their hands appropriately — you're supposed to scrub long enough to sing the alphabet song twice.
The fist bump – also commonly referred to as "dap, pound, fist pound, bro fist, spudding, fo' knucks, box, bust, pound dogg, props, bones, or respect knuckles" – is not only more sanitary than the traditional handshake, it can promote a stigma of bro-ness as well. If you think lobbying to replace the handshake with fist bumping as a flu-prevention strategy is an extreme overreaction, consider this some people are actually going as far as advocating for an elbow tap. I don’t know if we need to go that far, but I’d be willing to give it a shot.
In the new world, the fist bump will be the formal gesture of gender-neutral respect.


Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Rule #43: Medication disposal

Treatment plants remove only about half of the prescription drugs and other newly emerging contaminants in sewage. That’s the finding of a new report by a consortium of officials from the United States and Canada who study the Great Lakes. The impact of most of these “chemicals of emerging concern” on the health of people and aquatic life remains unclear. But we can be sure that it aint’ good.
We’ve known this for a long time, but I don’t think we take it
seriously enough. Some drugs contaminating Lake Michigan have been found two miles from Milwaukee sewage outfalls. Research has linked drugs in fish to slower reaction times to predators, altered eating habits and anxiety. At this rate we’re going to have to create rehab centres for fish. No wonder they have those paranoid buggy eyes. Can you imagine how confused the poor fish would be if a pill addict with erectile dysfunction cleaned out his medicine cabinet? They'd be swimming around all paranoid and wondering why they're so horny. Forget about it.
There’s much discussion regarding improving waste water treatment plants to remove the harmful chemicals being flushed to the great lakes, but dealing with a preventable problem is old world thinking. In order to create a better world, we have to stop creating problems in the first place.
Unless you’ve got bags of coke and illegal opiates and the cops are knocking at your door, there’s no reason to flush your old meds. It’s simple. Take them back to the pharmacy. The same goes for old pet medications! Take them back to your vet. So they can flush them!
In the new world, the use of meds will be reduced and leftovers will be returned to the pharmacy for proper disposal.

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Rule #44: Bad relationships

Bad relationships cause a multitude of social problems. From violence, alcoholism, child abuse (physical and emotional). The emotional baggage children carry can create long lasting psychological scars that could possibly be passed down through generations. Not to mention how uncomfortable it is hanging out with a couple who are just not digging each other anymore. I hate that.
Why do we stay in bad relationships? We generally know when we’re done. A constant depression coupled with no communication, no joy, no laughter, no physical contact, no love, spending evenings waiting for your partner to go to bed so you can whack off to the twenty-minute workout (not that I’ve ever been in that situation). But despite the telltale signs, many of us continue to stay in relationships that have clearly run their course. It’s hard to say why exactly, but here are the obvious reasons. It’s comfortable or familiar, for the kids, finances, fear of being alone etc…
Identifying bad relationships can be easy;

Good relationship;

  • Woman: “Hey, can I try that beer?”
  • Man: “Sure” – (passes beer to smokin’ hot trophy girlfriend)

Bad relationship;

  • Woman: "Let me try that beer!"
  • Man: "I asked you if you wanted one of these when we ordered. Why do you always have to do that? Now, I don’t feel so bad about banging your sister!"
Ahem...Check, please...
We’re all going to have to take some responsibility for this. Simply being in a good relationship is not good enough. It’s up to all of us to identify and terminate bad relationships. Too often we turn a blind eye and say nothing because we don’t want to tell our friends that their girlfriend is a bitch. Well I got news for ya Jack, you’re not doing them any favours. They will realize it someday, and when they do, they’ll look at you and say “Why didn’t you tell me?” Then you’ll have to sip your beer uncomfortably and shrug your shoulders knowing you could have prevented the emotional and financial distress your friend is now experiencing. I could be wrong, but I think women have a better handle on this. For some reason, I picture chicks very readily saying, "Girlfriend, why are you with that bum? You could do so much better."

In the new world, bad relationships will be terminated.

Monday, 23 November 2015

Rule #45: Puppy Mills

Puppy mill, puppy farm, puppy factory, call it what you will. It’s basically a commercial dog factory that is operated with an emphasis upon profits above animal welfare and is often in substandard conditions disregarding the well-being of dogs in their care.

Here’s the facts:

  • The parents of puppy mill dogs are abused their entire lives until they are no longer productive and ultimately destroyed
  • They suffer a variety of horrific health issues such as bleeding or swollen paws, feet falling through the wire cages, severe tooth decay, ear infections, dehydration, and lesions on their eyes, which often lead to blindness.
  • Almost all pet store animals come from puppy mills. At time of purchase, consumers are given incorrect lineage about the dog’s health, breed, and breeder.
  • Buying a dog on line could very likely be supporting a puppy mill
  • Every year, retail pet stores across America sell 500,000 dogs, while 5 to 7 million dogs enter shelters

Each year millions of Canadian companion animals are destroyed
due to the greed of commercial puppy mills, the ignorance of back yard breeders and irresponsible pet owners. There must be public awareness & compassion to end the suffering of the voiceless. People must think and make the right choice when looking to add a pet to your home. Instead of just doing it to shut the kids up or make up for shitty parenting.
Perhaps we should start from scratch. Kill every dog in the world except for 2. One Yorkie, and one Pit bull. Light some candles, put on some Barry White, give them a little time alone and the result will be the dog of the New World. I admit I didn’t put a lot of thought into that so I’ll put it up to a vote before I send out the dog killers.
In the new world, there will be no puppy mills.


Sunday, 22 November 2015

Rule #46: Super trawlers

Nothing super about these abominations of the sea. I touched on this in the cod moratorium post, but I think they deserve special attention as they’re impact reaches far beyond the collapse of the cod stocks.
Super trawlers are anti-sustainable in design and devastating in their implementation. They could be described as floating factories that destroy the very environment they thrive on. With the ability to stay out at sea for weeks, they can catch in a single day what would take 56 traditional African fishing boats a year to harvest. I’m not suggesting we should limit our technology to that of an African fishing village, but this is simply environmentally and economically unsustainable. European trawlers actually rape the African seas of their fish. Then sell the fish back to Africa, decimating the local fish stocks and local fishing economy.
Besides the fish stocks and economic issues, there are the environmental impacts of trawlers that use “bottom trawling”. Bottom trawling – or “dragging” - has been compared to forest clear cutting. When you have large vessels with nets the size of football fields systematically towing patterns over the ocean floor, large-scale habitat destruction occurs. It creates harmful algae blooms or oxygen-deficient dead zones, which cannot recover for decades.
Thanks to modern day technology, the dragger fishery no longer involves uncertainty. We now have the technological capacity to track down the last fish in the ocean. Unfortunately, these highly effective fish hunting machines are not very selective. The by-catch, or random killing of non-target species, is much higher in the automated fishing operation of a super trawler than in any other type of fishing. Dolphins and seals are killed directly, and the removal of vast quantities of red bait and mackerel impacts the ecosystems where these boats fish by destroying the food chain that supports tuna, sharks, seabirds and mammals.
This type of fishing is environmentally, economically and morally wrong. The perfect storm for corporate profitability.
 In the new world, ocean-devastating trawlers will be banned.

Saturday, 21 November 2015

Rule #47: Vertical housing

I used to live in “vertical housing” once upon a time. Only back then we called them apartment buildings. Why does everything have to have a fucked up name nowadays? Wal-mart doesn’t have “box boys” they have “associates”. Schools don’t have janitors they have “janitorial technicians”. Whatever dude.
There’s a huge focus on urbanization these days. The concept is to restrict urban sprawl in an effort to contain the population where public services already exist. There’s also an environmental and economic benefit. The Newfies
had this figured out in the sixties when they initiated the resettlement program. Between 1965 and 1970, 16,114 people from 119 communities were resettled from remote areas to larger, more accessible communities of the island.
I listened with some amusement yesterday to a report that indicated children had to be bussed past local schools because “vertical housing” had created a school overflow problem. I’m sitting there thinking … “No Shit”. This must have been a very difficult equation for someone. I can see the number crunchers sitting at a big oak table looking at a drawing on a white board. All of them scratching their heads as they stare at a picture of a 1,000 unit building beside a three bedroom house trying to figure out which one could hold more school aged children. What a bunch of dumb dumbs.
In the new world, if we urbanize communities, we’ll build enough schools to accommodate the population.

Friday, 20 November 2015

Rule #48: Lethal injection drugs

Apparently, there’s a shortage of the drug used to kill criminals via lethal injection. It seems the pharmaceutical companies that produced the drug have some moral issues with creating it or they have legal concerns. Probably legal concerns, unless the pharms grew a conscience all of a sudden. Anyway, I’m thinking; "you’ve already decided to kill a person, who gives a rat’s ass how you do it." If you don’t have access to the usual poison, use Lysol or hydraulic fluid. A butt load of heroin will probably do the trick. I hear bullets or knives will shut you down pretty quick, also.
In a Florida execution, which used the new drug midazolam as part of a three-drug mix, the inmate, William Happ, appeared to remain conscious longer and made more body movements after losing consciousness than those executed with the old formula. What a travesty! I wonder how long 21-year-old Angie Crowley suffered while poor ol’ William abducted, raped and murdered her before throwing her body in the Crystal river. Do you think he had her best interests in mind?
If there’s going to be a problem acquiring the preferred cocktail of choice, I can think of a few options; Use a drug that keeps him writhing in pain for hours or lock him in a room with nothing but a gun with one bullet and a continually looping video of Bono discussing his take on world poverty - I'd be swallowing the barrel of that gun before the opening credits rolled. I could go on, but how about this; if the state can’t decide, let the families of the victims decide their fate. That could be interesting.
Horrific crimes aside, no matter what the reason is, if you have decided to kill someone, putting a lot of thought into how you're going to do it seems as redundant as post execution autopsies.

In the new world, we will be free of murder and rape, but if an execution is required, it will be done swiftly without fanfare.

Thursday, 19 November 2015

Rule #49: Cup and mug design

I like to think I know my way around a dishwasher. I’m not bragging. It’s not something that’s really brag worthy, to be honest. But after many years of trial and error, I’ve finally figured out how to load a dishwasher so nothing flips over and fills with water. I can confidently check that off my list of shit I need to figure out.
However, I still get extremely pissed off every time I empty the machine and I have to empty the water out of the bottom of the cups and glasses. Why the shit would anyone make a glass that’s able to hold liquid when it’s upside down? It’s not like you can fill it with booze and use it as a reserve when your drink is done. Although, that would actually be pretty handy. This serves no purpose. The concept seems pretty simple to me. Make the bottom of the damn glass flat! It’s like the manufacturers are just fucking with us. I can see them now, giggling away in their factories in China. Raffing at the thought of us spilling dirty water all over our clean dishes on the bottom rack.
Well that’s it! There is some shit up with which I will not put! I say we all take those crappy mugs and smash em’ in the street. Come on everybody; join me in ridding the world of these evil tools of the Chinese manufacturing underworld. Actually… don’t smash them in the street. Someone might get hurt or puncture a tire. As a matter of fact, don’t smash them at all because they’ll just end up in the landfill and I’m not cool with that. What we should do, is donate them to poor people. It would be a nice thing to do and they can’t afford dishwashers anyway. Although, they may have the same problem on the drying rack. Well at least they won’t have to worry about bits of food getting caked on during the drying cycle.

In the new world, the bottom of all cups and mugs will be made flat to avoid water pooling on the bottom in the dishwasher.

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

Rule #50: Prison guards

This kind of mentality drives me nuts. We’re supposed to be helping each other. Unfortunately, the indiscretions of a few paint a bad picture for an entire segment of society. It’s kind of like bouncers who use their position to justify kicking the shit out of a drunken patron. Prison guards who beat on someone who is under control or even restrained is inexcusable, morally repugnant and outright cowardly. The images I’ve seen coming out of the media are unbelievable. I started really taking notice when I saw Cassandra Feuerstein - a small 47 year old woman – being slammed face first into a jail cell in Illinois by a police officer. She subsequently suffered injuries that required reconstructive surgery. “Way to flex your muscle tough guy.”
Depending on who you are and what you’re in for, we may not give a shit if you get the ass woopin’ of a lifetime. Unfortunately, I think it’s more the weaker, undeserving inmates who feel the wrath of sadistic weak minded ass heads. What happens to people when you give them a position of power? Is it only assholes that apply for these positions, or do we turn them into power tripping idiots when we bestow them the power of authority? Hard to say.

In the new world, there won’t be much use for prisons, but the guards will be trained to exercise restraint.

Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Rule #51: Child porn

I got this. I mean, Rule #1 will fix it, but I still don’t understand it.
Anyone guilty of child porn related crimes should be banished from any society. I don’t say that in an arbitrarily soap box preachy fashion. I say that based on solid facts. This isn’t a victimless, addiction feeding crime. It’s an addiction (for lack of a better word) that most of us don’t understand. There’s many addictions I don’t understand. Some people eat hair and sand. I, myself can’t stop organizing my Tupperware cupboard or drinking coffee. All these addictions can be deemed weird by someone, but there’s no real victims. Child porn is different.
What makes this more horrific than other crimes is the type of mentality you have to possess to get involved. There’s no monetary gain as in theft or robbery. There’s no revenge satisfaction as in murder or assault. An observer of child porn has to have no remorse for the innocent, vulnerable children being exploited and be void of empathy and compassion. They must be completely aware of the fact that they’re not just watching sexual content, they’re actually witnessing abuse and torture of defenseless children for their own satisfaction. That’s bad. This is what gives these people sick monster status. We can only assume that this kind of remorseless mentality is potentially capable of anything. Not the type of mentality we want to welcome into the New World.

In the new world, Rule #1 should eliminate any type of child abuse. But in the event of a breach, I believe execution is within reason.
Certainly castration.

Monday, 16 November 2015

Rule #52: Adoption

The adoption concept will be a big part of the new world. I like the concept; Prove you’re a good parent and you will be granted a child. Love it!
There’s a lot of children out there who are simply unwanted or were born to parents that cannot provide for them. It’s not their fault and they deserve a fair start at life. There are also a lot of good potential parents who would love to give these children a home. I don’t know why it’s so hard to get these people together. Of the more than 78,000 children in Canada’s child welfare system, approximately 30,000 are legally free or eligible for adoption, yet Canadians adopt about 2,000 children from abroad each year – most from China (I guess everything really is made in China).
I believe adoption should be close to home. It seems best to adopt a child who does not need to be uprooted and moved to a foreign culture. I don’t know a lot about the adoption process in Canada but one would assume there is room for improvement – and improvement there shall be…

In the new world, child adoption will be strictly regulated but efficiently swift.


Sunday, 15 November 2015

Rule #53: Art

I know that the beauty of art is supposed to be in the "eye of the beholder", but when I heard that Edvard Munch’s painting “The Scream” had sold for $120 million in 2012, I nearly shit a brick.

Well today my brick filled bowels began rumbling again when I heard that “Three Studies of Lucian Freud” by Francis Bacon sold for a record $142-million at auction.

Reflecting back to the old “eye of the beholder” thing, I’m finding it hard to believe that the lucky bidder who purchased this work of art found it so beautiful that they had to part with the $140 million bones that were burning a hole in their pocket.
It’s amazing where our priorities lie, is it not? The Philippines is all but wiped out by typhoon Haiyan. Over 2200 people dead. 600,000 displaced. In desperate need of basic necessities like food and water. And someone has $140 million laying around to throw on a picture.
If these paintings are worth somewhere in the $100 million + range, surely my works of art have to worth, ohhh I dunno… $75 or $80 bucks? As a matter of fact I’m going to lead this initiative into the New World. I’m going to auction off one of my works, and 100% of the proceeds will be donated to the Philippines relief efforts. Let’s start with this one:
 Let the bidding begin... Do I hear $5?... 2.50?...
In the new world, anyone who pays more than $100,00.00 for a painting will be required to donate an equal amount to disaster relief.

Saturday, 14 November 2015

Rule #54: Useless studies

Every time I hear of the results of some ridiculously stupid study I have to wonder who’s paying for them. Today’s breakthrough study was no different. As I’m driving home this morning, the results of an all-important study come over the airwaves. Someone thought it was important to commission a study that links music taste to personality. There may be some marketing relevancy to this, but I found the results chuckle worthy.
Just to touch on a few of the findings, people who listen to HEAVY METAL are outgoing, PUNK ROCKERS are aggressive and COUNTRY fans are hard working, while DANCE fans are outgoing and assertive. Based on this studies findings and my diverse music collection, I'd be described as an extroverted, shy, lazy, hard working, confident, gentle, aggressive, intelligent retard.
To be completely honest, I put about as much stock in this as I do horoscopes. But it really made me laugh to think how much effort was required to come up with these earth shattering results. If the researchers who were tasked with this mission were given a year to complete the study, I wonder what they did with the other 364.5 days. Fans of Punk Rock are aggressive? Wow, what a revelation!
In the new world, results of useless surveys will be dismissed as rubbish.