Sunday, 1 November 2015

Rule #67: Halloween candy

Alright, it's the day after Halloween and all the kids are pumped full of candy and working off their sugar hangovers - it'll only get worse kids, trust me - You start with candy, then sugar smacks... next thing you know, you're giving handies in the local washrooms for your next heroin fix. It's the next logical step for you.

But hey, let's worry about that later. Let's talk about how we constantly
denouncing the evils of sugar, then celebrate it with a night dedicated to going door to door begging for the shit. Talk about fanning the flames of obesity. Now I know what you're thinking.. "No one wants to be the one handing out apples." And I dig it. You're just asking to find your pumpkin smashed on the hood of your car. Candy is basically payment for the insurance racket the neighbourhood kids run... "Give up the sweets and nobody gets hurt." Or, you could go the route of a woman in Fargo, North Dakota. This lady plans to hand out letters to all the kids she considers obese. In part, these letters read;
“You're child is, in my opinion, moderately obese and should not be consuming sugar and treats to the extent of some children this Halloween season."
While I find this mildly funny, it's also pretty mean. And certainly warrants an egging of monumental proportions from the neighbourhood kids. Although this could be dangerous as obese kids probably only know how to get their hands on those chocolate easter cream eggs, and those things can break windows. I think for now I'll go with the status quo and cough up the sweets without challenging the trick or treat mafia.

But who really benefits from events like Halloween? Americans are expected to spend $2.6 billion on Halloween costumes for adults, children and pets. Total spending – including candy and decorations – is expected to reach $6.9 billion. In all, Americans will spend more than $2 billion this year on candy. Suffice it to say, Wal mart will cash a big chunk of that check and based on where all the decorations and costumes are made, I'd say China will do alright as well.

Here's a tip: if you hate crowds, make sure you avoid the stores on Oct. 28. That day just so happens to be the biggest day of the year for candy sales.

In the new world, the New World scientists will discover a tasty treat for Halloween that will not contain sugar.



  1. I was thinking about this exact issue this year. Who wants their kid to have an excessive amount of candy like this? I dont have kids, but i know that my husband will eat all of our leftover candy himself. If it's there, he will eat it. He cant control himself. My sister lets my nephew pick his 5 favourite candies when he is done trick or treating and throws the rest out. Good for the kid, but i'l not sure that this is the best route as this is very wasteful and that candy is fuckin' expensive!
    A couple of kids came by our house this year asking for only unicef or food bank donations. I think there is something to this.... I believe that the fun in halloween is the costumes. Kids can trick or treat for donations and the parents can buy some sort of treat for their kids. This is obviously better for the community and my husbands waistline!

    1. If your husband can't help himself, think about how the kids will handle it. Throwing them a pillow sack full of candy is like leaving a tray of Oxycontin in front of a pill addict. I'm with you, keep the costumes and evil shit and turf the candy.


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