Monday, 28 December 2015

Rule #10: Wimpy Kids

How did kids get so soft? What was it that began this age of child entitlement and wimpyness? We’ve created a generation of fat kids who can’t go outside or eat nuts and are all ADHD positive. I’d like to go back in time and present to our forefathers one of their great, great, great fat wimpy grandkids and say, “He’s on meds because he won’t pay attention and can’t eat nuts”. Then I’d stand back and watch the fireworks.
I bet great grand pappy Bennett would open his eyes wide in agitated disbelief, raise those giant black caterpillar eyebrows until they touched his hairline and unleash a torrent of something I couldn’t even imagine. By the time he was done, the child would be laying on a bed of nuts with a peanut butter sandwich stuffed in his mouth and great grand pappy Bennett would be rolling down his sleeves like a priest that just exercised the ADHD demons.

School is the worst. School used to be a place to fear. Now the teachers just recommend drugs to calm your child down and turn them into zombies. You think the zombie apocalypse is a myth created by the video game industry? Think again! It’s real. Once all kids are on ADHD meds, they’ll turn into zombies and we’ll have to shoot them. Thanks a lot pharmaceutical companies. Now who’s going to cut my lawn and shovel my driveway? Today’s kids can’t sing the Anthem or say the Lord’s Prayer in school because of Hairy Krishna or Ali Baba or some shit. They can’t say Christmas. They can’t take treats or even a peanutbutterfuckingsandwich! They can’t throw snowballs. They can’t even wear Halloween costumes to school anymore.
The time to stop babying our children is now! We’re not doing them any favors. When they get out on their own, no one is going to coddle them in the workforce. Trust me! Feed them healthy food and make them trade their controller for a hockey stick or a football. Let them get hurt, throw a bandage on them and send them back outside! Give them chores and don’t feel bad about enforcing the rules. They’ll be stronger for it.

In the new world, kids will be forced off the T.V. and sent outside everyday for the period between school end and 6pm!


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