So last night I’m at the Headstones concert and I see it again. This new ritual that is destroying the holy grail of concert going. The undoing of the front row, center stage experience. There was a day when this would not stand. This bullshit would not stand, man. When I go to see my favorite bands, I wanna be right down in it. I mean right against the stage getting bashed around with everyone and hand slapping the lead singer the way I did when I was crowd surfing at Black Sabbath when Tony Martin was the lead singer. That’s right Tony Martin; my third favorite Black Sabbath singer. #1 is obviously the late great R.J.D. (Ronnie James Dio) for those of you who are not metal fans. #2 is Ian Gillan who only did one album when he took a break from Deep Purple to sing on Born again which still remains one of my favorite Black Sabbath works. #3 is Tony Martin, as I mentioned and #4 is… You guessed it - Ozzy! That’s right, my least favorite Black Sabbath singer is the prince of darkness. Atypical to most Black Sabbath fans, but after seeing Black Sabbath with Tony Martin, the immortal R.J.D. and Ozzy I finally had the rock epiphany that Ozzy is a fucking retard. And once you start a reality show about your dysfunctional family, you confirm said retardedness to the world. But I digress.
Now, to my point. Here’s what’s happening at concerts these days. Just before the band comes on as we’re jockeying for position in front of the stage, a row of bitches stakes claim to the front row against the stage. Then, like the good royal subjects they are, the male of the species sets up a guard around the female. Both hands on the metal fence separating the stage from the crowd. One arm on each side of the female to protect her from the mosh pit. It only takes 5 or 6 of these set ups to take up the entire front of the stage so no one can get up there. So us true fans are relegated to second row at best. It aint right. And like the true, polite Canadians we are, we respect the chivalrous fortress. This would not take place back in my hay day, no sir. If you bring a chick to a heavy concert either stay away from the stage or get into it. Shit is gonna get real in front of the stage so be prepared. You’re going to get banged around and you should expect to take a boot in the head from a passing crowd surfer. And that is prime real estate you’re occupying, so expect to share.
And maybe I jumped the gun on putting Ozzy below Tony Martin. Maybe I’ll give him shared position for third with Martin. But nobody fucks with Ronnie.
In the new world, anyone in the front row is fair game mosh meat.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!