Monday, 21 December 2015

Rule #17: Multi-use helmets


If you’re half the athlete I am, you probably have a shit-ton of safety equipment lying around. I’m probably the #1 snowboarder, top hockey player and fastest cyclist in my town. That means I have pads, skates, sticks, gloves, glasses, goggles, special shoes, jock straps and helmets. Three different helmets. Most of the equipment is sport specific, but what’s up with helmets? Is a bike helmet really any different from a snowboard helmet? If you’re going to reference that little clip on the back of a snowboard helmet that keeps your goggles on, forget about it. First of all, if you bike in the winter you need goggles anyway. Secondly, if you only bike in the summer, I’m sure that little clip aint gonna cause you no harm. Why the hell can’t bike and snowboard helmets be interchangeable? The spill you would take in either sport seems like it would be similar. Except, of course you’re not likely to get run over by a car on a ski hill. For that matter, I think one helmet could do for snowboarding, biking and hockey. One cool looking helmet for all sports.

It a friggin’ conspiracy, I tells ya! Those damn corporations are sticking it to us again, trying to tell us what we need. And we’re all like; “Oh yeah, I can’t wear my snowboard helmet on my bicycle, that’s ridiculous.” Whatever dude. Who gave these corporation heads this all-knowing noggin knowledge anyway? Once again I can see those fat, suit wearing, scotch sipping, cigar puffing, money mongering, grey beard wearing, no exercise getting, lobster eating, Cadillac driving, mansion owning, butler hiring, over consuming business execs, … I forgot where I was going with that. Oh yeah, I can just see them sitting around the over sized, oak trimmed, high ceiling board room, laughing about all the extra profits they’re going to make because they’ve fooled us into thinking we need these specialized helmets for everything we do. Why do they have to be such jerks? They should be using their big, grey haired, over sized heads to help us live happier lives. Not screw us over.

What’s next? A coat for walking and one for strolling?  Pants for sitting and pants for standing? Well I’ve had it with this type of corporate corruption. I’m going to develop an all purpose helmet, market the shit out of it and put all those fat, suit wearing, scotch sipping, cigar puffing, money mongering, grey beard wearing, no exercise getting, lobster eating, Cadillac driving, mansion owning, butler hiring, over consuming business execs out of business! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! And when I make millions I’ll be able to get fat and afford good suits, scotch, cigars, lobster, Cadillacs, mansions, hire a butler…. For now, I’ll just wear my snowboard helmet on my bike.



In the new world, there will be a CSA approved multi use helmet.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

3 comments:

  1. Hilarious post & I never thought of it like that. I like the guy with the multi tasking bucket helmet. No one's gunna tell him what he should be wearing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's right Tony, in the new world the bucket heads reign supreme!

      Delete
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