Saturday, 12 December 2015

Rule #26: Bowling balls


Whenever I go bowling with the family, I have to deactivate my supersonic, germ locating sensory abilities. It’s not easy. Imagine superman shutting down his X-ray vision ability when he sees a smokin’ hot chick, or Brad Pitt simply shutting down his ability to be ridiculously good looking. It’s just not that simple. I have to really work at it. Every time I go ten pin bowling, I have to close my eyes, take a deep breath and imagine my happy place before I slide my fingers into another mans balls.

Just touching other dudes balls by accident puts you at risk of contracting potentially harmful contaminants and pathogens, and the risk is even higher the more dudes balls you interact with. Think about the ball selection process. Every bowler checks numerous balls until he finds his perfect match. He then carries his over used, over touched, crawling with bacteria sphere of righteousness back to the party for everyone to enjoy. Do you think every bowler follows the CDC recommended hand-washing procedure after using the can before rushing back out to the lane? Before you answer, take a look around next time you’re at the lanes and take stock of the company you’re keeping.
It definitely speaks to the idea of owning your own ball, even if you only bowl once a year. I don’t know how much a personal ball costs, but it’s got to be worth it. Who knows what the guy who used that ball before you rubbed, scratched, picked, stroked… And I don’t see any ball hole cleaners running up and down the lanes. Think about that next time you’re fondling someone else’s balls.
The one saving grace is the fact that the bowling ally is one of the few sports in which you can drink while playing. I dig the fact that there is actually a bar at arms length to the lanes. It helps you forget about all the ball germs you’re soaking in while fondling and finger banging another dudes balls.

In the new world, ten pin bowling allys will have ball hole sanitizers.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

7 comments:

  1. I think the dude licking the ball....I believe his name is Jesus? Maybe he could be the ball hole cleaner in the new world since he doesn't seem to worried about germs!.

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    1. Good idea, but unfortunately NOBODY FUCKS WITH THE JESUS!

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  2. Maybe bowling alleys should hand out latex gloves when you pick up your bowling shoes. Having said that I don't think I will ever go bowling again. Just imagine shining one of those CSI type blacklights on the balls it would light up like a Christmas tree. Anyways we already have ball cleaners and they do it for free. They are called women :)

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  3. OMG.. you have totally grossed me out... no more bowling for this guy. Only thing worse is having to use a bowling alley washroom. Ugh.

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  4. Finger condoms! Invest now. It's gonna be bigger than beta!

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  5. The price you pay to go bowling these days you SHOULD get a free personalized ball.

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Agree? Disagree? Lay it on me!