Thursday, 31 December 2015

Rule #7: Flashlights


This is one of those subjects that come to mind when I have nothing better to do than stare blankly at an inanimate object until I’m in a full-blown mental debate with it. So as I’m staring at my flashlight, I ask it, “why are you called a flashlight? You don’t flash and I don’t want you to flash.” As a matter of fact, the only time any of my flashlights have every flashed is when I really needed them to stay on and I end up smacking it off the palm of my hand to make it stop, hoping I can squeeze the last little bit of battery juice out of those batteries I’ve neglected for 2 years.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to call them “portable lights” or “emergency lights”? I know some flashlights have the option to flash, but I think that’s more of an option that you would use as a safety beacon when you’re in trouble. There’s no way you would want a flashing light when you’re trying to find the last beer in the house during a blackout. Or what if you’re reaching for your toothpaste but you left your preparation H on the same counter. You need clarity and certainty in that situation. Not a flashing beacon. Because no one wants a mouthful of ass cream. Or an assful of mouth cream, for that matter. That would just be unsafe. Unless you’re hosting a Saturday night fever party, you don’t want your emergency back up light to flash.


In the new world, flashlights will be called portable lights!
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

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