Saturday, 28 February 2015

Rule #313: Litigation



It's time to put an end to frivolous litigation cases. We've all heard of these. Not the least of which, was that Dick-wad judge who sued his dry cleaner for $65 million for losing his fat ass pants (Pearson vs Chung). I won't get into the ludicrous details of the case, The point is, the courts never should have given him the time of day.

Then there's the commercials we see on tv and billboards now of these ambulance chasing lawyers. What a joke.Then there's the whack job chicks who decide to take a hard working man to court because they decided he may have done her wrong 20 years ago. The case goes to court without substantial evidence and ultimately gets dropped because it was ridiculous to begin with. The poor dudes marriage is now on the rocks and he's out $20,000 to $50,000 in legal fees and lost wages due to court appearances. And what happens to the crazy chick?? Nothing. She's free to do the same to someone else. If she knew she would be on the hook for the bill, it never would have been brought up in the first place. What a shame! Embarrassing really.


In the new world, anyone who brings forth a frivolous litigation suit will have to supply reasonable proof of the accusations AND if the defendant is found not guilty, all expenses incurred by the defendant will be reimbursed by the crazy bit... er... plaintiff.



AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 27 February 2015

Rule #314: Gas station lines

I love high gas prices. There's no line up at the pumps. I'm in and out of there in a jiff… love it!

The worst case scenario for me is when I need gas and prices just came down. There's a huge line up and I'm probably in a hurry. Then you have to play the game... I'm behind this guy, a spot just opened up on the other side. Do I be rude and pull in ahead of this guy in front of me because he doesn't seem to be interested? And what if I make the move and someone else takes it just before I get there. Wait a minute, which side of the car is that guys tank on? If he needs to back in....... I hate that game! I'd rather pay top dollar for my fuel and be done. And really, how much extra are we talking?




Assuming a 70 litre tank, a fill will cost you at:
   $1.20... $84.00
     $1.25... $87.50
       $1.30... $91.00
         $1.35... $94.50




It's not like they're giving it away when it goes down. On a fill up the price fluctuates about $3.50 in a range of 5 cents. So is it really worth the line up? Want it to be even less of an issue? Drive less and ride a bike to work every once in a while.




In the new world, this lesson will be part of the driver education program.
(we just need to figure out how to get people to pay attention)

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Thursday, 26 February 2015

Rule #315: Bilingualism

 What a pain in the ass. 2 languages in Canada costing the country $2.4 BILLION annually. Not to mention it's a pain in the ass.

A report from the Fraser Institute claims the federal government spends approximately $1.5-billion each year while the provinces shell out $900 million. Ontario spent the most ($600 million), followed by New Brunswick (approximately $85 million, according to Postmedia. Dat's a lotta mulah!
I know I'm not alone on this. What's the point of having more than one language? Let's pick one and implement it nationwide! Honestly, I don't even care if it's French or English or Spanish (just not German, that sounds like an angry cat coughing up a furball) However, the facts indicate that English would make more sense.
Only 23.5% of Canadians speak French.
1.12% of the world population speaks french.
5.52% of the world population speaks English.
But hey, what do I know (except all these awesome facts)? Let's put it to a vote!



In the new world, Canada will have one official language so I don't have to turn my cereal box around every morning to see what flavour I'm eating.

ET DONC IL SERA ECRIT !
UND DAMIT ES GESCHRIEBEN WERDEN WIRD!
¡Y ASI QUE SERA ESCRITO!

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!
(yeah, I like that one)

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Rule #316: Auto racing



In some communities it's against the law to let your car idle while parked in front of a school waiting to pick up your kid. I agree with this. It always bugs me when I see someone parked anywhere idling.




Auto racing, on the other hand, is perfectly acceptable. In fact, it takes place every day. Televised AND promoted. Why is idling not allowed and auto racing is? $Hmmm$ not sure $ can$t quite $ put $ my $ finger $ on it$$. It must have something to do with drivers education. I mean, someone has to teach our youth the virtues of a good left turn!

Of course this is all about the environment. Otherwise, why would I care if a bunch of rednecks want to hang a louie for 4 hours?
The cars' non-EPA-regulated engines make the sport one of the least environmentally friendly sports out there. NASCAR drivers make a living doing exactly what the rest of us are supposed to avoid in order to stave off global warming: Drive ridiculously powerful, gas-guzzling    sports cars at extremely high speeds for entertainment value.


The sport burns so much fuel that the U.S. government labeled NASCAR a waste of gas during the fuel shortage of the 1970s. As a result, NASCAR shortened one of its races from 500 miles (804 kilometers) to 450 miles (724 kilometers) as a goodwill gesture. (It was a temporary change.)
Think your truck is a pig on gas? 5 miles per gallon is standard for a NASCAR car.



In a single typical NASCAR race weekend, with more than 40 cars at high speeds for 500 miles (804 kilometers) -- plus practice laps -- at 5 mpg of gas, you're looking at, conservatively, about 6,000 gallons (22,712 liters) of fuel [source: Finney]. Each gallon burned emits about 20 pounds (9 kilograms) of carbon dioxide, so that's about 120,000 pounds (54,431 kilograms) of CO2 for a race weekend [source: FuelEconomy]. Multiply that by roughly 35 races per year, and NASCAR's annual carbon footprint is in the area of 4 million pounds (1.8 million kilograms).
Yes, that's a lot. The energy expended in one race could power more than three houses or drive seven cars for a whole year
Oh yeah, idling is bad too... if every Canadian who drives a standard light-duty vehicle cut idling time by five minutes a day, it would prevent more than one million tonnes of CO2 from entering the atmosphere each year.
In the new world, there will be a moratorium on auto racing until a clean burning fuel can be discovered!

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Rule #317: Telemarketers

Since I changed my phone number I don't get a lot of calls from telemarketers. 

And man, I really miss them!

What a great way to release frustrations. I used to unlaod all the crap that was bugging me on these poor souls. They're trained to never give up on a sale (although, I've had a few hang up on me) so you can keep them on the phone forever. Which I believe is your duty, in order to keep them from bothering other people.
Aside from venting, if you're lonely, they can be a great confidant. Someone to lend an ear and listen to all your problems.
Or, when you've had a few drinks and feeling saucy, just start rambling and having some fun.
Then there's my favourite. I'm passing the torch on this one, as my kids are now too old. When the call comes in, just pass the phone to your 4 year old. It's great listening to this conversation. I almost crapped myself when, after a long sales pitch, my son finally said... "Grandpa?"

In the new world, all telemarketers will be required to sign a waiver indicating that once you call someone, you are not permitted to hang up until the person on the receiving end of the call is done with you!


AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 23 February 2015

Rule #318: Hangovers



We have so much technology out there. Actually, It's been said that the computers we're building will be smarter than humans by 2035 (based on reactions per second). Although, I think my Atari eclipsed me in 82'. Regardless, we now can predict weather, fix failing eyesight, even take a human body apart, fix it and put it together with new parts! But we can't cure a common HANGOVER? Gimme a break! This has got to be a secret plan by the man to keep us down! 

This needs to become top priority. STAT!


Think about it. I don't know if anyone has done a study on the loss of productivity due to drinking, but I bet it's substantial. Most of the lost time however, is incurred during the hangover stage. I've drank a little more than I shoulda' on 1 or 2 occasions (that I can remember). The actual drinking takes place at night when I wouldn't be doing anything productive anyway. 

It's the next day, when I'm supposed to be working or cutting the lawn or exercising that the true loss takes place. If we can cure the hangover, we increase global productivity exponentially.
Or at least I'll be able to drive to the liqueur store to get more booze without calling a delivery service.

In the new world, space exploration will be put on full hiatus and all resources will be dedicated to this cause until a cure is found!
(would you rather have a clear head, or a picture of Uranus?)


AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Rule #319: Excessive packaging


With all the knowledge we have now about pollution and landfill issues we should be reducing our amount of disposable waste. The fact that most of the crap inside the package is waste to begin with is bad enough.
According to the U.S. EPA, in 2008 plastics amounted to about 12 percent of the country's municipal solid waste stream -- up from less than 1 percent 50 years ago. That's about 30 million tons (27 million metric tons). Close to half of it in the form of containers and other types of packaging. Plastics pose an important environmental problem. They continue to exist and cause damage for hundreds of years.
Fortunately, scientists and chemists have been conducting research into using renewable resources from organic polymers to produce plastics. In the meantime, there's still plenty we can do to minimize the impact of nonrenewable plastics. Reducing is best. Stop buying so much crap. Failing that, here's 2 things I've committed to:


   1. I take packaging into account when making purchasing decisions. If there are 2 similar items I wish to purchase, I will attempt to purchase the one with less packaging.
   2. If I have to purchase a product with a ridiculous amount of packaging, I will open the product at the counter and leave the packaging there. If enough people did this, the message would eventually get back to the manufacturer.

In the new world, products will only be packaged if necessary, and if necessary, packaging will be minimal.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Saturday, 21 February 2015

Rule #320: I hate cops

I HATE COPS!
I cringe every time I hear this.


I hate the cops... translation... "I hate getting busted every time I brake the law." If you hate police, chances are you're breaking the law too often. The only time I can really say I don't like seeing a cop, is when they appear in my rear view mirror.
Now, like any profession, there are good and bad. I've met many good cops who have helped me out. Like the dude who picked me up on Victoria street when I was lost and too drunk to walk. Instead of slapping me with a public drunkenness fine, he realized I was no hazard to anyone but myself and called a cab, poured me in and sent me on my way. The city even picked up the tab! (I always wanted to thank that guy) On the other hand, there was that Starsky and Hutch wannabe who nailed me for having a beer on the beach in Sauble.

But when the chips are down and some A-hole just broke into your house and wants to steal all your stuff, are you going to think..."well, since I hate cops, I think I'll call my out of work brother in law to come help, he's a good guy and he's got nothing else to do."



Ultimately, these people put their life on the line daily for us. Any given day, they could be responding to some domestic dispute that could involve a psycho who's wasted and packing heat. Or arrive on the scene of a petty crime and the 18 year old thief is so desperate to get away, he tries to shoot his way out.



In the new world, we won't require a lot of police if we follow the "rules" spelled out here in this 365 page document. But the law we do require will be held accountable for their actions and we will show them the respect they deserve.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 20 February 2015

Rule #321: Free music downloads


Oh man. I can't believe what this world has come to. It's not bad enough that there are starving children all over the world and the economic crisis has but millions out of work. Now we want to put the poor musicians like Steven Tyler out on the street. (Rosanna Arquette interview)
Steven Tyler net worth... $130,000,000.00





And poor Metallica. I deserved to get blocked from Napster for downloading free songs. Even after I payed $100 for that Metallica hockey jersey and $200 bucks on concert tickets.
Lars Ulrich net worth... $175,000,000.00  

This list could go on forever, but you get the point. Since my first concert 30 years ago, I can't guess how many thousands of dollars I've spent on albums, tapes, CDs, shirts, tickets etc... I think I've purchased the right to collect a few free songs. Not only that, how do these people even justify possessing that much money? I'm sure Dr. Dre is very responsible with his cash (net worth... $260,000,000.00)
If you don't make enough on sales, concerts, merchandise etc... you can moonlight as a spot welder. I'll do my part by offering free downloads of the BlaxTone debut original..."Thundercoon"
In the new world, if your music makes it to the internet and people want it, not only will it be free for the taking, you should be flattered that people are interested.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Thursday, 19 February 2015

Rule #322: Protesting big oil


Oil extraction and consumption is destroying the planet. We know that. Every aspect of it is detrimental to the environment - from extraction to transporting to consuming. But at least they don't hide it. Even if we found cleaner energy, oil aint goin' nowhere soon because...
Canadian Oil & Gas Statistics (2010)
1.22 million barrels per day of conventional oil production
1.5 million barrels per day of oil sands production
14.7 billion cubic feet per day of natural gas production
$51 billion in capital spending
$18 billion in taxes and royalties paid to governments
Oil and gas industry currently supports 550,000 jobs across Canada
Oil sands are forecasted to create 905,000 new jobs by 2035 (Canadian Energy Research Institute - May 2011)
Oil and gas industry current comprises about 25% of the Toronto Stock Exchange
Which all equates to...$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!!!


But what I really love watching is some mommy crying on t.v. to protest a fracking  operation that's going on in her backyard that's making her kids sick. Then, after her little protest episode, she climbs in her big SUV and drives her kids the 3 blocks to school, then drives home to squeeze into her lulu lemons to drive to the gym. Then, she'll come home and pull into the garage to park beside her husband's boat, ATV and every gas powered unit there is to keep the lawn just right to keep up with the jones's.

People who protest local oil extraction, then consume oil for pleasure are the worst offender. You have a perfect scenario for "buy local." What you're really saying is "STOP DESTROYING THE WORLD!.... in my backyard." Do it somewhere else and hurt other people where I can't see it. Then use that oil to deliver that oil to me and present it in a nice clean package.

If you really want to stop the oil industry from ruining your neighborhood, STOP USING OIL! or at least reduce your consumption, which we can all do.




In the new world, If you're going to protest something, you better be ready to practice what you preach.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!