Thursday, 30 April 2015

Rule #252: Baseball

 
Originally, when I was thinking about baseball, my approach was
going to be the same as soccer. Slam it for all the obvious reasons. No action, boring, yadda, yadda, yadda.... And I've watched it before, ya know! Like when I needed to take a nap, or needed some background noise that no one was interested in. But then it hit me. I finally understand why dudes watch baseball. It's because it's just like being at home. You scratch your balls whenever you feel like it, spit wherever you want. It's just like hanging out in my living room.

  Ball scratchers, however are not worth $30,000,000. The average salary of a professional baseball player is $3.4 million per year. This amount does not include deferred payments, incentives, nor does it include money paid or received in trades for players who have not been released. This compared to the $45,230 per year earned by the average worker in the United States. Personally, I scratch a mean ball! And all I get is a satisfied crotchular region.



In the new world, baseball players will earn a fair ball scratcher salary. I'm thinking around 70K anally.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Rule #253: Walkway etiquette

  It seems pretty simple to me. If you live in a part of the world where you drive on the right side of the road, then you walk on the right side of the walkway. If you live in Japan, then vice versa.
There's no reason to do that little sidewalk dance. You know the one I'm talking about. When you're walking down the middle of a walkway or sidewalk and you see someone approaching. So, you dodge right like the polite pedestrian you are. They dodge left (to your right). Then you simultaneously dodge the opposite way. Now you're both wondering what the hell to do. At this point you're thinking "OK, this guy is an idiot so I'll just take the bullet and give up my hard earned side. Well, unbeknownst to you, he's thinking "this is about to get real, I better pull my head out of my ass and get on the proper side." Now you're no further ahead. Still on a deadly collision course. You know at this point, if you don't get this figured out in 3 seconds, it's going to get really awkward. Fortunately, it usually gets worked out without any major injuries.

  I got so sick of this a little while ago so I developed a system that

works very well for me. When I see someone coming that I know has no intention of moving to the proper side of the walk, I lower my head, look through my eyelashes and pretend I'm in deep thought and not paying attention. The other person, seeing the imminent danger, will eventually make way. 50% of the time, it works every time. And if it doesn't, I will take them down.



In the new world, everyone will walk on the RIGHT side of the walkway. We're not creating a new "region". We're creating a better "WORLD". So it will be one way for all.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Rule #254: Teen pregnancy


Teenage pregnancy is pregnancy in a female under the age of 20 when the pregnancy ends.
Hmmmm..... what can I say about this? Not much I guess, except...Oh yeah, just that I have a guaranteed solution. No big deal.


Is that 7 proud new mommies? Oh joy!

The solution is called rule #1. And It shall be revealed on January 7, 2014. And it will definitely solve this one.


Until then, we're going to have to crank up the education on birth control. I know, we teach this in school now, but apparently there is still some work to do.
FYI, a pregnancy can take place before the first 
 period (I'm not talking about coaches corner) which, in healthy, well-nourished girls normally takes place around the ages 12 or 13
What can you do? Horny teenagers + free time = ...well, if you know how to read, you know the sum of that equation (wink wink, nudge nudge). I remember when I was a teenager. Ooooo boy let me tell you. There was this time.... Ahhh never mind.


In the new world, problems like this will be controlled by rule #1.

Until then,

KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR KIDS!

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 27 April 2015

Rule #255: Deadbeats

At some point in time, EVERYONE in society has a responsibility
to contribute. I agree with taking a break now and then or taking some time to travel and see the world. But eventually you have to contribute something. Personally, myself and most people I know have paid taxes into the system to the tune of approximately half a million clams. And that's just income tax. But I don't think it should stop there. There is plenty of time to volunteer and give back. One of my goals (should I ever become wealthy enough) is to become a philanthropist.

  I also understand that people need a hand every once in a while and certainly when I retire I'm going to enjoy the fruits of my labors. But during our prime, eventually, when the time is right, it'll be time to give back. Whether it be financially through taxes or contributions, or through volunteer work. We all have to realize that we live in a society that wasn't created to be our bottomless bag of party favors. Actually, I don't know why it was created in the first place. But what I do know is that it can't work properly if certain people live with a sense of entitlement that makes them feel it's OK to live off the sweat of the hard working masses. These folks, are what we consider the "deadbeats"


Basically, what I'm saying here is this: "If your 40, still live in your moms basement, play video games all day, don't work and the busiest part of your day is brushing crumbs off the front of your stained t-shirt... GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING, for the good of the land!

Working together. THAT'S what the new world is all about! Have you ever helped a stranger out just for the hell of it? Give it a try. I guarantee it'll make you feel better than the person you helped.


In the new world, EVERYONE who is capable will contribute. Not because they're forced to, but because they understand it's the right thing to do.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Rule #256: Pet abuse

There are all kinds of laws against, and examples of, obvious animal cruelty. There's an abundance of animal abuse on the world stage. The most glaring examples of animal abuse are found in places like the circus, bullfighting, farming & ranching and major film Production.


But I'm talking about PET abuse. If you're a pet owner who is too busy to properly look after a dog, then you're guilty of pet abuse. Personally, I don't know how a person with a full time job does it. I couldn't do it. A while back I had a few too many cocktails on a Sunday afternoon (surprise) and promised the kids a dog. It was a sad Monday when I realised what I had done. Luckily I pulled the plug before it was too late. I'd love to have a dog. The thing is, I'm just not in a position to properly tend to it, clean up after it, give it attention all the time. Oh yeah, and you have to feed them too, don't you? I'm not someone who could feel good about locking up a pet in a cage all day. I'd have to stay home, lose my job, run out of money and I'd just end up having to eat the dog to stay alive. And that is just wrong!

I don't agree with keeping a dog in a cage all day. If you do, and you come home to a happy, tail wagging puppy, there's 2 reasons he's happy (and it's not because he was happy to be locked up all day): 1) because he's loyal (yes, HE, because we all know dogs are male and cats are female) and B) He's happy to be let out of a cage after spending 10 hours locked up. Wouldn't you?


If you've followed my blog at all, you know I'm a bit of an

extremist. I don't even like dog tricks. If I was a dog, I would definitely be abused. Because if someone said "Here's a treat... IF you sit, roll over, speak, spin around, play dead" I'd be all like... "Whatever, YOU'RE going to be the one BEING dead if you don't give me that f'ing treat, pronto! How bout' I bite your fingers off? Is that a good trick, beeotch?"

I think you get the point, but here's some good info if you're still reading. Along with a good link....

In Canada, the Animal Legal Defense Fund releases an annual report ranking the animal protection laws of every province and territory based on their relative strength and general comprehensiveness. In 2011 the top four, for their strong anti-cruelty laws, were Ontario, Manitoba, New Brunswick, and Nova Scotia. The worst four were Alberta, Northwest Territories, Quebec, and Nunavut. I guess Newfies just go with the flow.



In the new world, it will be a criminal offense to cage a dog for anything but travel.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Saturday, 25 April 2015

Rule #257: Happy meals

Buying a Joyeux Festin (as they say in French Canada) at McDonalds will achieve one goal. It'll shut your precious little brat up for 5 minutes. Or at least until they get tired of the orange toy and decide they want the green one.
It will also, however, contribute to obesity, promote unhealthy eating, teach your children that waste and mindless consumption are perfectly acceptable etc, etc.... 

Some areas of the world are starting to realize there is a problem
with this. San Francisco has become the first U.S. city to crack down on the dubious practice of fast food companies luring children into eating unhealthy meals by giving away gimmicky toys. All the fast-food giants have forged powerful links with the toy industry, and none more so than McDonald's, which is thought to be the world's biggest toy distributor, giving away or selling billions of toys each year. Where do you think all those toys are now? I doubt many live past the age of 24 hours before they're sent to they're sorry death beside the styrofoam and banana peels in your garbage.


Not so "HAPPY" meow, is it?



In the new world, gimmicks designed to lure kids into eating unhealthy crap will be outlawed - Everywhere.

Just not in public (see rule #337)

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 24 April 2015

Rule #258: Change purse

First off, if you're a dude and you carry anything that ends in "purse".... wrong!
Snoop! You're lettin me down Dogg.

 
But I don't care who you are, really. If you're the type that has to organize your change into separate compartments, zip up that special little mini fort knox while holding up a line of people the whole time, then you sir, or madam are inconsiderate. The new world is all about common sense and consideration for fellow people. Aint no one got time for dat!


You have time to correct this behavior. I suggest you start now, because in the new world there will be consequences and repercussions for this action. It's attitudes like this that got us into this predicament in the first place. We're mad as hell and we're not
going to take it anymore! How much time is lost waiting in line for someone to wait until they know the total of their purchase, THEN take out their special little change purse, pay, wait for the change, THEN sort it all and put it away neatly before trodding off to their next annoying activity. Personally, I would like to have Dr. Phillip Buttersworth stationed at every checkout counter and when this behavior is observed, he will slap your change purse out of your hand with an upward motion, scattering your precious change all over the place while everyone else laughs and points. However, I must be getting soft in my old age, so we will observe the following:



In the new world, the standard checkout process will be, walk up to the counter with money in hand, pay, accept change and walk away to sort your money elsewhere.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!


Thursday, 23 April 2015

Rule #259: Never too late

What a lovely concept. It's so nice to give people inspiration to Live life to the fullest. To follow their dreams. To reach for the brass ring. Because really, it's never too late. I love it! Actually I have inspired myself. I always wanted to ride in the tour de France, so I'm going to quit my job, start training real hard because it's never too... wait a minute. My hips are pretty junked at 45 and I guess I do need money from my job. Hmmmmmm.

 

Well, OK. That's one thing out of a billion that it's too late for. But
everything else in the world is ready for the taking. This is going to be awesome. I'm going to be the youngest guy in the world to play in the NHL. YEAH! I'm going to blow everyone away. I'm getting my hockey gear out of the garage tomorrow and... wait a minute. How old was the youngest player to play in the NHL? Do you think he was older than 45? Hmmmmm.

Come to think of it, there may be a couple of things it's too late for. Let me see if I can think of a few....

Carve my kids height on a door trim every year of their life.... Too late 
Discover insulin.... Too late
Grow an afro.... Too late (yes, I'm follicly challenged now)
Never make one mistake as a parent.... Too late
Want an egg mcmuffin at 11:01?.... Too late
Be the first man on the moon.... Too late
Ride a dinosaur.... Too late
Invent the wheel.... Too late
See Frankie Venom live.... Too late
Steven Tyler not to be a tool.... Too late
Be the founder of Microsoft.... Too late
Enjoy fresh, clean air in downtown Hong Kong.... Too late

WOW... It's never too late... what a bunch of bullshit!

In the new world, "it's never too late" will be replaced with:

 "50% of the time, it's too late, every time"



AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Rule #260: Kids on vacation

It's called a vacation... for everyone!

If you like to vacation with your kids, far out, man. But I have some startling news for you. I DON'T like to vacation with your kids. Sorry, dude. I’m sure your kids are fantastic (not really) but I don’t want to hear them scream and throw stuff around like a bunch of animals when I'm trying to relax.
 
The worst offenders seem to get drawn to the all inclusive resorts like terrorists to a fertilizer plant. Parents seem to think “all inclusive” means “giant babysitting park.” It aint like that. Keep your kids under control and out of the adult pool.

I know what you're thinking "Go book an adults only resort next time, you cranky old bastard.” Fair enough. I think I will. But hear this before I go, just because it’s not an adults only resort doesn’t mean it’s a “kids only” resort. If you want to spoil your kids and let them act like idiots, take them to Disney land or some other place I’d never step foot in. If you wouldn't take your ten year old out to the bar with you, what makes you think it's alright to bring them to the swim up bar?


Then there's the flight home. At least I can get some rest on the 5 hour flight home to catch up on sleep and reminisce over the good times and great memories we just created, right? NAY! After 7 days of avoiding your kids, now I have the unprecedented pleasure of listening to them whine, cry and kick my seat all the way home.
It's called a vacation... for everyone!

In the new world, all kids under 18 will be fitted with a special wrist band that has a small transmitter and if they go within 50 yards of the pool bar, they will receive a small electric shock.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Rule #261: Bullied suicide

To give credit where credit is due, PM Harper made a good point the other day. The word "bullying" conjures images of mean kids pushing other kids or making harmless fun of someone wearing glasses (the kind of "bullying" we used to see many moons ago). It was never right and should never be tolerated, but the stories we see in the news that are labeled "Bullying" are actually criminal activity. Pushing someone to the brink is more a form of harassment or assault. It's wrong to label it as bullying.

I think it's also wrong to blame a youth suicide on "bullying". If a young person takes their life because they are being "bullied", there are deeper issues. And if we focus all our efforts on bringing the bully to justice so they don't bully anyone again, we're missing the opportunity to find out what the real problem was. A young person who commits suicide could be dealing with anything from abuse at home to undiagnosed clinical depression or a million other things. There is no way it's solely because of the bullying or harassment or assault or whatever you want to call it. And if we want to prevent future incidents of teen suicide, we need to dig for the real issue. Children who even consider suicide should have resources to help and it's up to us, as a society to provide and make these resources available.



In the new world, I'm sure rule #1 can solve our bullying issue, but any teen suicide will be investigated for the mental issues that truly exist.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 20 April 2015

Rule #262: Dog poop

It's just gross. What are we going to do about this? I think my beef with this is that I really like dogs, but I cannot stand dog shit. Therefore, I am in a pickle. There must be a solution. We should be able to create a dog food that disintegrates in the dogs digestive system. Food goes in, nothing comes out. If that were the case, I'd probably own a dog. But it would have to be one that didn't bark. Or shed. Or stink. Or slobber. Man, we're going to have some busy dog scientists in the NEW WORLD. GET THE SCIENTISTS WORKING ON THE DOG TECHNOLOGY IMMEDIATELY!

In the new world, 15% of space exploration scientists will be reassigned to the new dog technology.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Rule #263: Just a thin slice

Here's the scene: You're at a party, kids or adults, doesn't matter and just when you finish the ceremonious cake cutting, a barely audible voice rises up through the party air.... "Just a thin slice for me". COME ON! It's a party. You get the same portion as everyone else. If you don't want it, sneak it to the dog. Or give it to the fat kid. I'm not taking orders for steak here.

 Maybe I feel this way ever since that incident with the cafeteria worker at the scouts camp I went to as a kid. They warned us ahead of time. "If you say you don't like something, you'll get extra." So, when the fat, old, cranky, ugly cafeteria lady went to dump peas on my plate, the words had barely left my mouth... "I don't like peas" (what was I thinking?)... We locked eyes. At that point, I could have lived the rest of my life without those 4 words if had the chance to take them back. Her eyes slightly squinted, mine opened wide. And then it happened... she tightened her grip on that scooper and lifted the biggest load of peas you've ever seen on my plate - ON TOP OF THE LOAD I ALREADY HAD! It took all my strength to keep the plate from hitting the floor. But I digress.


In the new world, anyone who says they just want a tiny piece of the cake, has to eat the whole thing... THEN, go out and get another cake for everyone else.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!
I hate peas to this day!

Saturday, 18 April 2015

Rule #264: Texting and driving

Creating a rule on this one is moot point. It's already against the law. It's the mentality of people that we have to address.

Can I be honest with you? Talking on a phone while driving really aint that bad. But TEXTING is just plain suicide! No one can focus on driving safe while texting. You can't even tell when it's time to go when the light changes.

What can so important that you have to send a text while driving? Nothing! that's what. How do I know this? Well, let's see. Texting didn't become a replacement for actually talking until about 10 years ago or less and people actually got around just fine. I know, I sound like a cranky old man. But there's a reason for that. I AM A CRANKY OLD MAN! And if ye youngins don't get dat galldang contraption outta yer hands when yer drivin', I'm gonna get a ...  piece.... of...... and ..... come..... (looooong snore).
Actually as a cyclist I see it everywhere. From all walks of life. But say what you like, guess which demographic I witness as the worst offenders... I won't say for fear of offending young girls.


Because the rules are already in place to control this behavior, we have to ramp things up.




In the new world, anyone caught texting and driving will have their license suspended for a week. Second offense a month. Third offense is a year.

all young drivers will also have to watch this video.
(although focused on impaired driving, I think it gets the message across)
 
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 17 April 2015

Rule #265: Immigration

Immigration is good for the economy. Or so I'm told and I'm not in a position to argue that. I actually believe immigration should not exist. I'm self taught and graduated from the school of the pipe dreamers where we believe borders should not exist and we should all be free to travel wherever we want. No borders. If you want to go to Mexico, you just head there. No dealing with power tripping pushy border guards and the likes.


But here's my beef with Canada and immigration. Could you imagine traveling to Afghanistan and saying "ya know, those things that woman wear on their faces kinda freaks me out, eh. I don't think they should wear them so I'm gonna protest, eh." Well, I hope your last meal was a good one, because it probably was your last. A little harsh, but I'm not against the concept. If you knock on someone's door and ask to come in out of the rain, you don't say "Thanks for letting me in, but this carpet is offensive, get rid of it". Or "your kids are ugly, please remove all pictures of them from the walls."

The same should go with immigration. We Canadians are overly nice. And I'm proud of that. But you can't give up your own culture. Celebrate others, but leave your own in tact.

The whole Christmas thing drives everyone nuts. Just because
some radical religious freak speaks out about the word Christmas is no reason to start changing things. The right thing to do is listen, pretend you care, and move on. And this latest story really got me thinking again. A father in Toronto is not allowed to watch his daughter in her swimming lessons because, well here's his words and a link to the story in the Toronto Sun: “I spoke to a staff member and she told me that it’s because of Muslim women, that we’re not allowed to look at them."
This is just wrong. I don't care how they try to justify it and there are hundreds more examples.



In the new world, you will be free to travel anywhere. But you must respect the cultures of the people where you travel.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Thursday, 16 April 2015

Rule #266: Global anthem

Check it out!! 100 rules laid down and the new world is looking good! We've solved the prostitution issue. We're working on abortion (we're only 265 rules away from solving that one). I want you all to know how proud I am of you. You kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you're in a vicious cock fight!



In honor of our accomplishments, I think it's time we designated a global anthem to commemorate the construction of the new world! The traditional O Canada and Star Spangled Banner will remain in tact, but there needs to be a global anthem that will supersede all others. This anthem must emulate and represent our rise from the ashes of the old world and into our glorious new land. I have sat upon a mountain top and witnessed many sun ups and many sun downs in order to achieve complete oneness with the land to allow me to make this all important decision.
After careful consideration, (and a couple of beers) I submit the following:


In the new world, our global anthem will be "CITY HALL" by TENACIOUS D!

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!