Sunday, 31 May 2015

Rule #221: First impressions

 I'm talking about judging someone at first sight. I'm all too aware of this because I'm probably worse than anyone. I can see a guy walking toward me at 200 yards and by the time the light bounces off of him and hits my retinas, I've already pegged him as a low life, ignorant, arrogant, self important bad dresser. Then as he passes he flashes a friendly smile and offers a warm "good morning". Then, all of a sudden I'm thinking "Hmm. Seems like a nice guy. And I kinda like that shirt".

  I don't know if it's because I"m getting older, or what, but I find myself doing this way too often. Whether it's the way someone is driving or the way they walk, I'm too quick to form a negative opinion before giving the other person a chance to prove who they are. Must be some kind of defense mechanism or something. Or maybe I'm just an opinionated A-hole. Oh well.

In the new world, we will learn not to judge a book by its cover.

Even though you should be able to judge a book by its cover. The title and brief description should give you a good idea as to what it's about and if you look at the back cover, you’ll have a very good understanding. But, whatever dude.

Just try to be nice.


Saturday, 30 May 2015

Rule #222: Cancer research is a hoax!

 Or maybe not...  But I'm starting to wonder. Have you ever
wondered why, despite the billions of dollars spent on cancer research over many decades, and the constant promise of a cure which is forever "just around the corner", cancer continues to increase? Firstly, a cure is not profitable. Research is. The US cancer society is #7 on the Forbes list of 100 largest US charities with a revenue of $1.01 BILLION. Any organization with that kind of revenue will have powerful people involved at the top. And at the top of this kind of food chain, there are probably some pretty fat CEO's collecting fat CEO salaries and bonuses. American Cancer Society CEO John Seffrin received $2,401,112 salary/compensation in 2010. What's the chances that John would like to keep "fundraising to find a cure" as opposed to "actually finding a cure"? Pretty good, I'd say. In 2000, Dan Wiant, the chief administrative officer of the American Cancer Society of Ohio, pled guilty to embezzling $7 million from the organization. That's a lot of cancer cash. I have a feeling they aren't in it because they believe in the cause. All money issues aside, there is way too much focus on endless promotion of cancer treatments while ignoring prevention.

 There are many published articles supporting the concept that diseases like cancer are fictitious and just a name given to a pattern of symptoms appearing as a natural result of certain metabolic functions caused by lifestyle decisions. Similar to giving the result of drinking too much a fancy name like: "Red eye energy deficiency" or "REED". A drug company could even develop a drug and do a fund raising campaign to "Find a cure" for "REED". I'm not 100% sold on that concept. I'm sure Lance Armstrong lives a pretty healthy lifestyle and that didn't prevent him from getting de-nutted. Although, he was ingesting some questionable substances.

Imagine a cancer researcher discovers the cure for cancer tomorrow. He (we know scientists are all men) discovers that the
cure is exercise and eating milkweed. Here’s the way I see it going down. He gets so excited, he pushes past all the female scientists (who are dusting in skimpy, low cut, short white gowns and red high heels) and bursts into the office of the head cancer research dude. After he makes his big announcement of his discovery. The fat suits put down their cigars, raise their scotch and nod to the henchman in the corner who pulls a lever and the floor opens up and the brilliant scientist falls to his fiery death. The suits sit back down and begin working on the next money campaign.

I’m not ready to commit to this one yet, I certainly don’t want to deprive anyone affected by cancer the necessary treatment, but there will be some pretty heavy investigation and regulation overseeing the cancer research world.
Or maybe my dad is right and cancer is caused by aliens. Hmmm….. Whatever, dude.

In the new world, cancer research including CEO salary will be strictly monitored and total CEO compensation will be capped at 100K.

Friday, 29 May 2015

Rule #223: Line budders

It's hard for people like us to tolerate line budders. We, as creators of a better world would not stoop to this level. So it's a real test of our rule abiding patients to watch this go on. It's not just the act itself that gets on my nerves. You do NOT want to be in a car with my hot trophy girlfriend when someone flies up the merge lane and tries to squeeze in at the front of the stopped traffic lane. No sir! Suffice it say, it's just uncomfortable for everyone. Some day there WILL be fisty cuffs.

Then there's the ride lines at the amusement park. Young kids who crawl under the cattle barriers to get ahead of everyone. Bad children. But what are you going to do about it? Confront them and give them young whipper snappers a piece of your mind? What would you rather do, wait an extra turn for the roller coaster or get the sh*t kicked out of you by a thirteen year old kid? I'll take the next train, thanks.

And what about giving front of the line treatment to disabled people? I watched a lady and her entourage get escorted to the front of the line on Victoria and first peoples day, and when it was time for them to board the coaster, she stood up and climbed into the coaster unassisted with relative ease. A phony? Perhaps. But I try not to judge too harshly. And think of this. What if a dude who can't walk gets preferential treatment. BUT! what if he's crippled because he was drinking and driving and crashed his car and killed a baby in another car? Should we be inconveniencing ourselves for someone like this? Yeah, think about it.

In the new world, all wheelchairs will have identification indicating if they are crippled due to their own stupidity and if so, no amusement park special treatment will be given. Also, car accidents involving budders will automatically be the fault of the budder.


Thursday, 28 May 2015

Rule #224: School gardens

Sustainable living is so important these days. Considering all the issues with food production, processing and transportation the benefits of growing your own vegetable garden, free of pesticides and chemicals are immeasurable (or maybe measurable) there's a lot of benefits. It's beneficial to the environment, your health and finances. This should be taught in schools. Starting right from kindergarten straight through high school. By the time a child is in grade 7 they should know how to plant, care for and harvest their own garden. It's not like they don't have the room. Check out all the wasted grass next time you pass by a school. I'm betting the kids would actually enjoy it.
I understand that summer break will make this difficult, however, rule #241 (summer vacation) will take care of that. In the meantime, the gardens will have to rely on student, teacher and community volunteers to help out during the summer months.

In the new world, In the new world, all schools will have veggie gardens with planting, tending and harvesting being part of the curriculum and the food will be served in the school cafe and donated to people in need.


Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Rule #225: Left turn lollygaggers

If you’re not familiar with this, allow me to set the scene. You’re sitting at a red light waiting to make a left turn. There are 10 cars ahead of you. It’s a long light, so if you don’t make it through its another 10 minutes wait. The advanced left arrow starts to flash. You grip the wheel. Your foot’s already off the brake. You know you can make it if everyone gets moving. The first car in line makes the turn and you're off. 

  But wait! Why is there a gap before the next one goes. And was the next guy sleeping? Why is everyone going so slowly? Now you’re not sure. Will you make it? Then it happens! The guy in front of you decides to play it safe and stops on the yellow. It’s over. You’re stuck. You bang the steering wheel, Change the radio station because you hate that song (whatever it is), Rub your forehead and wonder why everyone in the world is so stupid.
If you have pole position in a left hand turn lane, you have a responsibility. You don’t just sit there doing your nails or checking
to see what’s in your glove compartment. You watch the crossing traffic light. And when that sucker turns yellow, you finish your text (yeah right, you weren’t texting…whatever) and prepare. Two hands on the wheel. Eye on the other light. Brake foot eases. The second it turns red, you release the brake and start rolling. Right foot hovering the gas pedal. Left  arrow ignites and HAMMER DOWN! You have to lead the pack. You should be around the corner before the second flash. And everyone behind should follow suit.
And THAT is how it’s done!
In the new world, when the left turn arrow starts flashing, you better be half way through the intersection before the second flash.


Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Rule #226: The gym

Maybe it’s just me, but after watching all the documentaries that I have on producing power, IE; wind mills, wave machines etc.. it seems to me that anything that moves can be converted to a produce power. So every time I pass a gym and imagine all those hot, ripped, sweaty dudes... I mean chicks, I can’t help but think we’re missing out on a great source of power generation.
Personally, I don’t get the whole gym concept. It seems like a useless waste of time and energy. If you want to lift heavy things put an ad in the paper that you're willing to help anyone build a patio or shovel the neighbors’ snow or dig a pool instead of using machinery. Or if you want to run, go outside and run, or run to the grocery store or McDonalds or wherever you need to get to. Hell, run to the gym. I can’t believe how full the parking lot is at the gym on nice days…. But I digress.
My point is if you really need to go to a gym to stay in shape, at
least all the machines should be hooked up to turbines to produce power. I imagine this would reduce the cost of gym membership, reduce the burden on the energy grid and maybe even provide some power for the community. I think there are a few gyms in the world that are doing this or at least looking at it, but I have yet to see one.
In the new world, all gym equipment will be connected to power producing turbines to harness the power of all the big strong people.

Monday, 25 May 2015

Rule #227: Victoria and first peoples day

A group of actors, writers and politicians is calling on Canada's government to change the name of Victoria day to honor Canada's first nations communities as well as the monarchy. They want to call it "Victoria and first peoples day".

Well where do I start with this? I guess I could start with the fact that "peoples" is not even a word when used in this context. You don't say "The first peoples to come to my party get cake" and we're not talking about the people's court here.

Next I guess I'd have to say... GIMME AN EFFING BREAK! Are you telling me that this is the best use of your time? Honestly, I don't give a rat's ass about the queens birthday. And I couldn't care
less if the holiday was called car alarm appreciation day. Just don't unholidayize it. That's right. If you can say peoples, I can say unholidayize! Besides the fact that you're choosing to put forth all this effort to recognize a community that takes away people's (used correctly) rightfully owned property, shuts down industry by blocking railways, practically destroyed a small community (Caledonia), aside from all that, the holiday already HAS A NAME! No action required. Pointless! There are larger issues that require attention. Ever hear of terrorism, child abuse, elder abuse, poverty, male pattern baldness, cancer? All of these issues are much more important than recognizing indians along with some old tart's birthday.

Changing the name of this holiday is a waste of time and resource. If we were going to change it at all, you know what the new name would be, don't you. That's right baby. MAY TWO-FOUR! You want my support? Create ANOTHER holiday and I'll wear an indian headdress and do a rain dance if it'll get me out of work for another day. Otherwise, if you want to acknowledge the role of aboriginal people in the country's evolution, start a museum. With private money.

In the new world, when peoples with too much time and money want to tell the world they're bored, they will be directed to causes that are just, like helping kids who can't read good and wanna do other stuff good too.


Sunday, 24 May 2015

Rule #228: Drinking and cycling

I've heard a lot of talk lately from people who think you can be
charged with impaired and have your license revoked for riding a bicycle while under the influence. Well I'm here to set the record straight. I think this was a rumor started by the man. Well nice try, man, but here's a little truth for ya! The following is an excerpt from an article interview with the Toronto police traffic services unit in the Globe and mail:

"For one thing, you can't be charged with impaired driving if you're intoxicated while riding a bicycle since a bike is not classified as a vehicle under that law, says Sergeant Tim Burrows of the Toronto Police Traffic Services unit. But a drunk cyclist could be charged under the Ontario Highway Traffic Act (which is similar in most provinces) for careless driving, at a fine of $110. And there's always the public intoxication charge which could land you in the drunk tank or cost you at least a $50 fine." 


I believe there are a few places in the world where you can be charged with DUI on a bicycle. But not many. I've even heard the same applies for horses! Can you believe it? How ridiculous! I don't think many horses can even ride a bike. And if I saw a drunk horse ride a bike, I think I'd let it slide.

  Is it safe to ride drunk? Well judging by how many times my hot
trophy girlfriend and I have fallen off bikes riding home from parties, I'd say Probably not.
  Is it a really smart thing to do? Probably not. But neither is getting in a drunken shopping cart race and I survived that.
 Is it better than driving drunk? Hell yeah! Man, I've read arguments about how unsafe it is and how it's even more dangerous to the rider because he's not protected by a shell of steel. True. But isn't it better to endanger the operator with bad judgement rather than a little girl playing outside or sleeping in the back of a car? I think so.

In the new world, only bike riders making a spectacle of themselves will be stopped. And if they're impaired, only general public intoxication laws will be enforced.


Saturday, 23 May 2015

Rule #229: Political controversy

 Being a political servant of the people requires a lot of time and dedication. If your behavior or lifestyle is creating a constant storm of controversy, either proven or alleged, it’s a distraction from the business at hand, which is running the city, town, province, state, country… whatever. We are lucky enough to have the perfect poster child for this topic. To be politically correct I won't use his real name. Instead, I will bestow upon him the prestigious title of...


What a piece of work. If his giant fat face wasn’t enough of a distraction, let’s take a look at some of the more memorable moments in his fine career as mayor of the largest city in Canada.

February 1999: Charged with marijuana possession and driving under the influence while on vacation in Florida. The marijuana charge is later dropped.  While campaigning for office in 2010, HIS ROYAL FATNESS lies about the Florida charge, saying he was charged with failing to provide a breath test.
April 2006: HIS ROYAL FATNESS , now a councillor, got drunk at a Leaf game and began spouting a range of obscenities at those sitting near him. He initially lied about even being there, but later apologized for his behavior and admitted he was “both embarrassed and humiliated by the whole series of events.”
June 2006:  HIS ROYAL FATNESS votes against AIDS funding, saying “If you are not doing needles and you are not gay, you wouldn’t get AIDS probably, that’s bottom line.”
March 5, 2008: During a city hall debate, HIS ROYAL FATNESS says: “Those Oriental people work like dogs. They work their hearts out. They are workers non-stop. They sleep beside their machines.”  He refused to apologize, saying he was paying the community a compliment.
June 2010: On a taped phone call, HIS ROYAL FATNESS can be heard offering to buy prescription drugs for a constituent. HIS ROYAL FATNESS admitted he offered to help an HIV-positive man find OxyContin illegally, but says he was playing along “just to get him off the phone.”
July 2011: HIS ROYAL FATNESS is accused of using his cellphone while driving and then giving the middle finger to the woman who chastised him. He denied giving the woman the finger.
October 2011: HIS ROYAL FATNESS is accused again of using his cellphone while driving.
October 25, 2011: HIS ROYAL FATNESS calls police on a comedy crew from This Hour Has 22 Minutes. Comedian Mary Walsh, who was dressed as her alter ego Marg, Warrior Princess, and a cameraman were at his home. The CBC reported that HIS ROYAL FATNESS later yelled obscenities at a 911 operator. Toronto police chief Bill Blair denied HIS ROYAL FATNESS had made the comments.
December 2011: The Toronto Star reports that police had been called to the kingdom of HIS ROYAL FATNESS after his mother-in-law called 911 on Christmas morning. There were claims he had been drinking and threatened to take his children to Florida without his wife.
May 2, 2012: HIS ROYAL FATNESS calls police after seeing a Toronto Star reporter near his home. Reporter Daniel Dale said he was not trespassing, and, in fact, the mayor threatened him.
August 2012: HIS ROYAL FATNESS , who has been accused of distracted driving, is photographed reading while on the Gardiner.  HIS ROYAL FATNESS admitted to reading briefing notes, saying he was a busy man.
February 7, 2012: HIS ROYAL FATNESS participates in a council vote on whether he should have to pay back donations he received from lobbyists, triggering a conflict-of-interest lawsuit.
November 26, 2012: A judge rules that HIS ROYAL FATNESS violated the Municipal Elections Act and orders HIS ROYAL FATNESS removed from office. He appeals and is later reinstated.
February 1, 2013: After a forensic audit of his campaign spending, HIS ROYAL FATNESS is found to have overspent by $40,100. However, a city hall committee decided not to send the issue to a special prosecutor.
March 8, 2013: Mayoral candidate Sarah Thomson says HIS ROYAL FATNESS made inappropriate comments and grabbed her ass at a gala for the Canadian Jewish Political Affairs Committee. HIS ROYAL FATNESS denies the allegations.
March 27, 2013: A report in the Toronto Star alleges that HIS ROYAL FATNESS is asked to leave the Garrison Ball because he appeared impaired.
May 16, 2013: Reporters at The Toronto Star and Gawker publish allegations they have seen a video that appears to show HIS ROYAL FATNESS using drugs.
Maybe he had the best interest of the people in mind during all these incidents. Think about it. He was seen using drugs, maybe he was trying to clean up the city by smoking all the crack before it could be sold to children. What a nice guy. Hopefully, he’ll tackle prostitution next.
Personally, I don’t give a rats ass if any or all of this is true or not. The fact is, all this negative attention is creating too much of a distraction to properly attend to the business at hand of representing the people as mayor of the largest city in Canada. If HIS ROYAL FATNESS really cared about the people he represents, he would step aside and let someone else take the helm.

In the new world, political figures who create controversy, proven or alleged, will be removed from office.


Friday, 22 May 2015

Rule #230: Judges

Pro se legal representation means advocating on one's own behalf before a court, rather than being represented by a lawyer. This should be the norm, not the exception.

They say a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client, but why should we need lawyers to represent us in court? If court cases are based on who has the better lawyer, then that tells me judges are dim witted knuckleheads who can't make a judgement based on facts.

One of the problems is accountability (or lack thereof). Why are judges not held accountable for mistakes? Take the case of a 27-year-old man from Michigan who was driving his car when another car hit him from behind in a minor rear-end collision. Four years later, the man sued the driver of the other car for changing his sexuality. Apparently he had turned gay over those four years and left his wife, and he felt that the only cause could be the accident. He must have really liked getting rear ended. The disgusting part about this is that he actually WON THE CASE!, and $200,000 from the other driver. His lawyer must have been wearing one hell of a suit! This judge should have been fired!

There is a published statistic that over 90% of people who go into court usually settle before an actual trial. This proves that most people in court are after money. One report indicated that Canada’s justice system is badly out of the step with the times and the needs of the people it purports to serve.

 Facts are facts! You shouldn't need a high priced lawyer to prove

your case. Even if you have a grade 3 education and don't possess the literary skills to present your case, if the facts indicate you're right, an educated, intelligent judge should be able to make a determination based on those facts. If he can't, he should be fired. If lawyers report to judges and are at the mercy of the courts decisions, that should mean judges are a smarter, higher power than lawyers. Ipso Facto... lawyers should be redundant.

In the new world, all current judges will be terminated and a new order of judges will be retrained. And there will be accountability! Judges will no longer be able to sit on their high and mighty asses with their holier than thou attitude thinking "I don't care about this case, I'll just decide in favor of the lawyer with the nicer suit and if the poor innocent sap goes to jail, at least I'll make my 2:00 tee off at the big fat judges golf and country club!"


Thursday, 21 May 2015

Rule #231: Orange juice with pulp

If you're going to make OJ, I say finish the job. If we're going to do things half ass, why don't we just make cars without wheels or houses without roofs. Save the pulp for the paper mills or movies with John Travolta. 
  I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, because when OJ is on sale, all that's left is the pulp filled crap. I'm convinced that the orange juice manufacturers don't maintain their equipment very well. Which cannot be due to lack of revenue. The most popular flavour for the American 100% juice market is orange, with almost 60% of the retail volume market share. Orange is also the most popular flavour for the juice drinks market, with 22.7%. Nonetheless, There must be frequent breakdowns and when the OJ only gets half done, they hawk it as "with pulp" when in reality it should be labelled "almost done".

In the new world, pure orange juice will be sold as such.

OJ with pulp will be sold as crushed oranges.


Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Rule #232: Campground security

Have you ever read the rules at a campground? Of course not. The only reason you collect that regulatory documentation is to start your fire. When you first get there, all you can think about is cracking a beer and putting the drive out of your mind. 

The security guards at some campgrounds have the ultimate job. They got you by the balls and there's nothing you can do about it. If you break the rules, you're out. If they THINK you broke the rules, you're out. If they don't like you because you're having fun and they aren't, they can SAY you're breaking the rules and you're out. And this aint like making noise at home and getting a fine. No sir! You and your party of no-good beatniks are out on the street in a foreign country and your car is towed. Very costly. Very inconvenient.

All this is really moot point IF proper rule enforcement is employed. The root problem is the security at campgrounds are young men who are given a position of relevant authority. Imagine a 22 year old security guard who has less than an exciting life outside of the campground with a 19 year old trainee. I can hear the conversation now....  
"Hey rookie, see that? that guy just put a plastic cup down on the picnic table. Looks like a 10-92 (beer pong in progress) LET'S ROLL."

In the new world, one of the conditions of employment as campground security is 10 years camping experience & be a guitar player.


Tuesday, 19 May 2015

Rule #233: Sun days

We have snow days, why not sun days

Snow days are based on safety. It is apparently unsafe to go to school when there is too much snow. Not too unsafe, however to go outside and throw snowballs at the snow plow.

I believe that it's just as unsafe to go to work on a perfect summer day. No one can focus on work (except me, of course) and people are so unhappy that someone is going to lose it and shoot the place up. In order to avoid another postal incident, there should be a bank of sun days. When the sun rises and conditions are just right, a higher power, wiser than ourselves, will make the call and push the "SUN DAY" button. The next 12 hours of our lives will be filled with the stuff dreams are made of. A perfect day with no plans. 
12 hours spent biking, swimming, gardening. Or my personal fav, drinking in the garage. And when the sun sets on that perfect day that we would have otherwise spent working for the man, we'll reflect back and be better people for it.

In the new world, when certain criteria are met, (NE wind @ 5K/hr, 27 degrees, low humidity, and of course full sun) school and work will be called off.