Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Rule #191: Evolution vs creationism

Evolution
"The process by which different kinds of living organisms are thought to have developed and diversified from earlier forms. The gradual development of something,  from a simple to a more complex form."
Hmmmm... sounds reasonable. I certainly can't disprove it.


or 
Creationism


the doctrine that God creates out of nothing a new human soul for each individual born. 
Hmmmmm. Sounds a little weak.


 Here's the truth. I don't know. You don't know. Neither does your teacher, friends, parents, ministers, priests or anyone you've ever met or anyone who exists on the planet. The only thing I do know is we need to give everyone equal amounts of information to support both arguments at an early age. I don't think we should put much emphasis on the topic in school at all. I rank it right up there with space exploration. Who gives a shit what's a billion miles up in space? Who gives a shit where we came from? Would it be interesting to find out? yes. Helpful? Doubt it. I think we need to focus on problems in our own place and time before we spend billions on things that don't matter in a galaxy far far away. Regardless, if we're going to teach or promote any kind of religion or creationism in school, we need to give equal billing to the evolution theory to give kids a fair chance to make an educated choice. Instead of teaching them the great argument I get when I debate with a supporter of creationism... "The bible says so".


In the new world, evolution and creationism will be taught equally in the schools with a focus on teaching neither.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 29 June 2015

Rule #192: Poverty

Poverty sucks. I know. I've been there. I lived in an abandoned house with 8 or 10 (it was hard to tell) other down and out Newfies. Thankfully I got out. I just kept my faith in God and with his love and.... ha ha... alright. I can't even type that bullshit. The truth is we all could have been destined to a life of poverty and living on the streets.


There's enough money in the world to go around for everyone. I'm not suggesting we throw all the cash in a pile and split it up evenly so the people who abuse our system just blow their share irresponsibly, then look for more. Rule #1 (coming January 7) should solve this problem. For now, we need to figure out how to keep children fed and off the streets and teach them to be productive. One problem is that people shouldn't be having kids if you don't have means to provide. So why is that happening? It seems we have all the education and information at our finger tips to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Yet it continues to happen. That's a big one.

 Also, we decide where our money goes and who gets it. Like I said, there's enough cash for everyone, but look who we give it to. I don't think anyone would argue that professional sports athletes and celebrities make way too much, yet we pay way too much to go see sports events, movies and read the tabloids. So, until we learn to be responsible with money, we can't really complain about undeserving people having too much of it.


In the new world, we won't have poverty. Until then, we need to start considering who we give all our money to.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Sunday, 28 June 2015

Rule #193: Law enforcement cameras

 Are law enforcement cameras an invasion of privacy? Well I guess if you're breaking the law they are. Take the red light cameras at intersections which are installed to catch drivers running red lights. The problem isn’t privacy. These cameras are in public places, where people’s faces and cars are visible to everyone.  The camera that caught a driver running a red light saw only what any passerby, and any police officer who might have been at the intersection, could lawfully see. It's not like they're being installed in your bedroom.

 Those opposed to the concept call it creeping Big Brotherism.  But the analysis can’t be as simple as “surveillance bad, privacy good”; and at least in some situations, camera systems can promote both security and liberty. Personally, I hate the concept of law enforcement cameras. The thought of a society of surveillance saddens me. But I also hate the thought of assholes raping our daughters and stealing our stuff. If every activity everyone did was caught on camera, eventually people would learn to stop breaking the law. Then we could get back to having our freedom and enjoy a crime free society.



In the new world, surveillance cameras won't be necessary thanks to…  rule #1. Until then, we will need as many as possible.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Saturday, 27 June 2015

Rule #194: Grade retention


 Children should not be forced to repeat a grade. School learnin' ain't always the only path and ain't for everybody. Many successful, creative and artistic people learn and develop their craft outside of the structure of the classroom. Walt Disney received an honorary high school diploma at age 58 after dropping out of high school at age 16.



 Other notable high school drop outs; Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, Richard Branson to name a few. And of course there's a long list of actors and musicians. The school environment can actually be very stifling to a creative mind. And really, an education should be regarded as a privilege, not a right. After all, it is paid for by tax payers and in this world of understaffed, overcrowded classrooms, if a kid doesn't take it seriously and blows a year, they should have to move on with their crappy grades. When their free education is done, let em' fly and be free. For the kids with real learning disabilities, there are other options.


In the new world, kids with failing grades will move on with crappy grades, but given the encouragement to pursue something less academic.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 26 June 2015

Rule #195: Wine snobs

 Or wine "connoisseurs" to use the parlance of our times.
Fellow drunks everywhere rejoice with me. A recent study suggests that it is too hard for even experts to differentiate the taste between wines. Statistically-apt wine collector Robert Hodgson ran a scientific test on the illustrious judges at the California state fair wine competition, and found that only 10% of judges could tell that they were being given the same exact wine multiple times. So the people who thought "all wines taste the same" are largely vindicated. I don't think all wines taste the same, but I really don't think there is a lot of difference between a good $15 bottle and a $100 bottle. at least some of it has to come down to personal taste. When I try wine I either like it, or I don't. There's not really much to figure out.

 So to all you wine snobs out there who thought that you liked the finer details of the finer things, you were actually just puffing up your chest in false sophistication, getting drunk on fermented juicy juice, and using adjectives. You can sniff, swirl, swallow and talk about legs, earthy tones and tannins all you like. The rest of us will drink what tastes good. And what doesn't taste good if it's free.

 And to the would be snobs to be out there, I encourage you to forget everything you are told, for the truth awaits, and it is found in your own opinion of what you like. And I encourage you to discover your local wines, wherever you live.


In the new world, this article will be posted at each wine-selling establishment

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Thursday, 25 June 2015

Rule #196: Fine print


I always feel that if you have to write something so small that people can't read it and make it so complicated that people can't understand it, you're obviously trying to hide something. Why can't everyone just be up front and honest about what is being offered? I know there are a lot of idiots out there that make some very redundant extra cautions necessary, which really make for some entertaining reading for the rest of us, but I hate the real fine print. You know, the 10 pages that come with cell phone service and things like that. The kind of reading you'd have to take a course to understand and put aside half a day and snuggle up with your contract and a dictionary to get through.

Aint nobody got time for that. When I see all that fine print, I basically think it says "this product is pretty crappy and if you need service we probably won't be available and even if we are, we'll make it so cumbersome to get to us, you'll give up before we have to do anything."


 Ever wonder if it's getting worse? Yes. For example, the first general-purpose credit card in 1959 had a half-page contract. Today, some credit card contracts are six pages of small type and all of it is one-sided in favor of the company. So if anything goes wrong, you will discover you are powerless.

In the new world, there will be no "fine print", just regular print containing...




AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Rule #197: Property tax

 I'm down with the concept of property tax. It seems legit. You have property in the city that requires services such as a supply of water, Hydro lines, a paved road, a sewer pipe to pipe away all your shit... etc. These things aint free. Someone has to install them and keep them running... Ipso Facto... a payment in the form of tax is required. I dig it.


 Where it gets a little muddy for me is when your taxes are increased because you have a larger house or larger city lot. I used to have a big house on a big lot. That was before I got, you know, divorced and whatnot. I'm not sure what happened to that relationship. Or the one before that. Some people say it's because I can be opinionated. Those people are stupid.

 But I digress. When I had a big lot, I also had big property taxes. Why is that? I had a big lot. That means I occupied a larger piece of the city. Which means I looked after a larger part of the city. The city didn't send anyone around to cut my giant grass, or shovel my 6 car driveway. If anything, the city should have been compensating me for looking after my giant portion of the world. And what about property tax on condos?


In the new world, property tax will be based on what services you need and receive!

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Rule #198: Movie critics

I never listen to, check in with or give any cred to critic reviews. If I see a trailer for a movie that looks interesting, I check it out. I don't see a need for someone else to dictate what I should and should not like. How do you train to be a movie critic anyway? Is there like, a university course that you take on how to determine if a movie is good or not? I always figured liking a movie was a matter of personal taste. If that's the case, and it is, then movie critics are telling us what we do and do not like. Of all the nerve! Up yours critic man! I mean, not everyone loves THE BIG LEBOWSKI and it IS the best movie ever made. 


 If I was a movie critic, I could sum up every movie ever produced like this: Scary movies aren't scary. Dramas are usually boring and unbelievable. Romantic comedies??... whatever dude. Edgy comedies are really your only safe bet. And I wouldn't go to the theatre to see them. When I watch a movie, I want to be comfy with a good supply of fine spirits, lots of snacks and room to laugh my ass off. If you really want someone else to give you their opinion of a movie, wouldn't you want to know something about the person offering their opinion? Because really, reviews are just like, you know, someone's opinion, man.


In the new world, movie critics will have to provide a list of their fav movies as well as the following info: Age, race, gender, education, turn ons & turn offs!

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 22 June 2015

Rule #199: Fundraising for minor sports


When someone asks you, "Want to buy a chocolate bar for my kids hockey team?" What they're really asking is "I signed my kid up for hockey and I'd like you to help pay for it." It's not a charity. Your dirty chocolate money goes right to lining the pockets of the hockey team.  

 I bought my son a BMX bike last week and I didn't go around to see who wanted to contribute. Although, maybe I should. I could use the cash. In my 20 years of putting kids through sports, I never solicited for money. Even though it angered some of the other parents, but I didn't agree with it. I figured if I couldn't afford to sign them up, then I shouldn't do it. When the issue of fundraising came up, I would wave a cheque and say... I'm out. Here's my cash. I ain't soliciting for shit. 

 Do you want to know what they do with your chocolate money? They stay in nice hotels, get drunk, abuse the hotel staff and eat oysters at Hooters. How do I know? I've done it. Yes, I have spent your chocolate money at hooters. I mean, not intentionally. I didn't fund raise. The rest of the team did. But somewhere along the line your chocolate money filtered through the team, to me, to the hot waitress at Hooters. Sorry. Oh! And and some of it went to that long haired, trench coat wearing driver that drove me, two buddies and our kids to each game in Michigan cause' we were too drunk to drive all weekend. Again, sorry. But if it makes you feel better, it was a great time.


In the new world, fundraising monies will be for people who need it. I'm not responsible enough to have it. If you give it to me, I'm heading straight to Hooters!

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Sunday, 21 June 2015

Rule #200: National Aboriginal day

Happy Aboriginal day.

For those who are unfamiliar with this, National Aboriginal Day or Journée nationale des Autochtones (thanks to bilingualism) is a day recognizing and celebrating the cultures and contributions of the First Nations, Inuit and Métis peoples of Canada. The day was first celebrated in 1996, after it was proclaimed that year by then Governor General of Canada Roméo LeBlanc, to be celebrated on June 21 annually.


So people are expected to "Celebrate the cultures of First Nations"! OK, let's get it on! What are you going to do? Participate in a rain dance? Bang a drum? Protest a railroad? I know what I'm going to do. In honor of National Aboriginal Day, I'm not going to pay any tax for the entire day! That's right. Of course, we have to be responsible with this. It's not a windfall. It's just a celebration of Aboriginal culture. So, on this tax free day I will just get the necessities. Some groceries, gas and smokes and maybe a little lighter fluid for the tire fire I may have to cap the night off with.


In the new world, no tax will be collected on National Aboriginal Day.
(just kidding... There won't be an aboriginal day)
 
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Saturday, 20 June 2015

Rule #201: Say hi for me

Nope! Not gonna do it. I'm putting my foot down on this one. I really have to wonder if I'm the only one in the world who's bothered by this. I don't see anyone else getting annoyed when this happens. I'm not a mediator or a translator for you. So when I'm talking on the phone I don't want to be a go between for you and whoever I'm talking to. 

I find it extremely annoying when I'm in mid conversation with someone and someone else in the room decides to say "tell them I say hi". So now, not only am I distracted from my conversation, I also have to interrupt the party on the other end to relay your all important message. Then wait for them to say (awkwardly) "oh that's nice. Tell them we say hi also". No kidding. What else were you going to say? So, then I have to hold the phone away and transfer this highly anticipated response back to you..."they say hi back".

I'm going to suggest you use your fingers to dial their number and say hi yourself. While your still able. Because the next time you do this to me, you're going to discover that all of your dialing fingers are, how do you say??... Broken.

In the new world, it will be understood that this is bad etiquette.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 19 June 2015

Rule #202: Beauty pageants

 I don't watch them, but I'm definitely a fan of the highlights. What I think is ridiculous is judging these fine ladies on their linguistic prowess. They should be judged on one thing and one thing only. Hottness! I mean, it IS called a "beauty" pageant, is it not? However, if you can juggle and ride a unicycle while looking hot, I guess that's worth some points as well. What's that you say? Beauty is only skin deep? Well due to the absence of an X-Ray machine, I'll have to go with what's on the outside. What would you rather see? A bikini clad, well spoken Rosie O'donnell, or a barely dressed, dim witted Courtney Stodden? That's what I thought. 

 Take, for example the recent verbal flub from miss Utah in the miss USA pageant. I'd repeat what she said, but I have no idea what it was. Not because she was blathering senselessly, but because I was focused directly where a mans attention should be during a miss USA contest. Squarely on her tits. The only reason I know she wasn't making any sense is because it was in the news. I'm not making fun of her. I won't do that to people unless they ask for it. I'm sure she is a wonderful young lady. My point is, who cares if she can't speak publicly. She aint runnin' fer office. If I was the judge, when she was finished blathering, I'd have said... Fukit, give her the crown.


I wonder if this is what Phineas Taylor Barnum envisioned when he staged the first American beauty pageant in 1854.

In the new world, beauty pageants will be "beauty" pageants. Speaking and other talents will be taken into consideration, but hotness will trump all.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Rule #203: Post execution autopsies

 Really? You're not sure what the cause of death was? You killed
him. On purpose. With a bolt of electricity, or poison or whatever. You don't have to call in Heratio Caine to solve that one. I'd like to be there for this conversation in the back room after the show. 2 doctors discussing the execution over coffee and sandwiches. "How did we kill this one, was it poison or electricity?" "Better cut him open and make sure".


Honestly, I'm sure there are a lot of legitimate reasons for post execution autopsies. But I don't give a fiddlers Fuck what they are.

Executions are a total waste of time and money. Death row inmates typically spend over a decade awaiting execution. Some prisoners have been on death row for well over 20 years. By the time you add up all the costs of keeping a prisoner locked up for 10 to 20 years, just to whack him, or off him or whack him off, it just don't make no sense. Here's what California estimates the death penalty costs:

•Using conservative rough projections, the Commission estimates the annual costs of the present (death penalty) system to be $137 million per year.
•The cost of the present system with reforms recommended by the Commission to ensure a fair process would be $232.7 million per year.


I don't know how we got to this point. We have some work to do.


In the new world, executions won't be necessary. Once found guilty of a crime worthy of the death penalty or a life sentence, the subject in question will be tossed in the swamp and the gators can do the autopsy.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Rule #204: Try this!

When you're eating something that's really tasty, you want to share. That's human nature. It's like when you see something cool or interesting you can't wait to tell someone about it. However, when I hear a cool song on the radio I don't smash your ear into the speaker. So why, when eating something delicious, do you need to push it in my face to see if I want to try it? If you speak English, I will understand if you ask me if I would like to try some of your tasty treat. We don't need to gesture like neanderthals. I guess if I want to know if you want to go to the store with me, I should grab you by the hair, drag you outside, throw you in the car and stare at you with shrugged shoulders to see if you want to go with me.

In the new world, if you stick food in my face to see if I want some, Dr. Phillip Buttersworth III will jump in the way and lick your delicious treat.

Dr. Phillip Buttersworth 111

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

Rule #205: Fathers day

In Canada, Father's Day is celebrated on the third Sunday of June and is not a public holiday. Typically it involves spending time with one's father or the father figures in one's life. Small family gatherings and drinking... I mean, spending time with family are usually the order of the day.

Not to beat on Sonora Dodd for creating Fathers day, but she
overlooked one small detail. The problem is, Sundays are my day to relax, work on my bikes and have a few drinks in the Dizzy Bitch. So then, you create one Sunday a year that is my day to do whatever I want. Well, generally, "whatever I want" will include a few extra cocktails. Now this is all well and good except for one small detail. It's not a holiday! So now I have to go to work on Monday morning with a hangover.


 Perhaps just another commercial money grab? Even when Sonora created Fathers day back in 1910, she had the help of those trade groups that would benefit most from the holiday, for example the manufacturers of ties, tobacco pipes, and any traditional present to fathers. In 1938 she even had the help of the Father's Day Council, founded by the New York Associated Men's Wear Retailers to consolidate the commercial promotion of the day. Even if that's all true and it was originally created to compliment the already implemented Mothers day, we have to grab this for all it's worth. On this day, we the fathers, who aren't in heaven, should NOT have to:

Touch a lawn mower, ask for a beer, get dressed, say thank you, go shopping or ask for a light for your pipe. These things should be automatic.
We SHOULD be able to:  Arise whenever we feel like it, swear, scratch, fart, NOD (nap on demand) and leave dishes and beer bottles wherever we want.



In the new world, the third Monday of June will be declared "Fathers day hangover day". A day of rest for all fathers.
Women will still have to go to work. After all, if it's a day to do "whatever we want" the massage parlors, strip joints and garden centers will have to be open. 
Did I say garden center? I meant gun shop.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 15 June 2015

Rule #206: Bar shots

Why do we do this? I won't speak for anyone else. I think I have enough experience on the subject to speak on my own behalf. So if anyone disagrees with anything I say here, let me know.

I've done every shot from straight whiskey to a B52. From a stomping rhino to liquid cocaine. Big shots, small shots & body shots. And of course, the almighty Jager Bomb! My hot trophy girlfriend even made me do a shot from between the tits of a waitress in the big easy. Then I had to stick my face in her tits and let her dry hump me. I know, what a bitch eh?  


 
And one thing I can tell you is, they all taste like shit. Why the hell would I want to take 2 or more ounces of pure whisky and chug it? It's stupid! It's unenjoyable and expensive! I've done enough of these to sink a ship and empty my wallet. 

But despite my argument against doing this, I WILL do it again. I don't want to. But I can see it happen. Half pissed, leaning against the bar, laughing too loud at my own jokes (that I probably wouldn't even get the next morning), then I hear it. Out of the darkness some idiot yells... SHOTS? So I, being the wisest of them all, think long and hard about the consequences. Weigh the pros and cons. Then in my most profound intellectual voice, I clear my throat and announce.....  FUCK YEAH! LINE EM' UP BITCHES! I probably won't get a hangover THIS time.



In the new world, I will not do any more shots. 
And I mean it this time.
Unless they make em' taste gooder.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!