Friday, 31 July 2015

Rule #160: Contradiction

Look at the picture here of Kiss while listening to the song "I was made for lovin' you" By the same band. That, my friend, is a total contradiction. The image conjures visions of songs about killing baby rabbits or pillaging small villages (or possibly attending a drag party, it's a little confusing). However, the song "I was made for lovin' you" is quite contradictory to the image of the band. If you were to remove the electric guitar, it could pass as an Engelbert Humperdinck song. I'm not implying "I was made for lovin' you" is a bad song. Ok, yes I am. Like most Kiss songs - it sucks. I mean to say, it's no "THUNDERCOON", but I've heard worse. It's just mega contradictory to their image. It's like calling the Pope an atheist. Or calling space exploration an environmental initiative.

On second thought, looking at this picture that I just discovered, maybe that song is too manly for them. Like, what the hell is up with this picture? Peter Criss looks like Paul Stanleys little boy on take your son to work day. I can just hear Stanley now "Thath's it, Peter Crith, raith thoths armth up
 At any rate, it's a contradickshun.
Hmmmmm.... Whatever dude!

In the new world, contradiction simply will not exist.


Thursday, 30 July 2015

Rule #161: Posing for pictures

Disclaimer: Some of the pictures in this post are barely relevant to the subject. But I added them because, well.... you'll understand when you see them. Please enjoy!

 I know sometimes you just want to gather up the whole family and get a nice pic together to hang on the wall. No one is ever going to care or want to see it, but whatever dude. It's justifiable. We've all done it.

 What I find annoying is when everyone is having a good time and something funny happens. Then someone is all like "OMG, that was so funny. I need a picture. Do that again". Then you have to spend ten minutes trying to reinact the funny, spur of the moment scene. All while it's being choreographed by the photographer. "You were over there. Hold your beer up higher. Now pretend your going to kick him".

 Or when everyone is having a good time and someone wants a picture of everyone having a good time. That's cool. Go over there quietly and take a picture and sit the fuck down. But no. Here we go again. "Look over here, I'm taking a picture of you having a good time". Well I got sour news for ya Jack. What you're actually taking a picture of, is me 30 seconds after I was having a good time. Because stopping what I was doing to look in that direction is not what constitutes a good time. If it was, I would have been looking there already. What's wrong with a picture of people having a good time naturally?

 Then there's the annoying people who just want to pretend they're having a good time. "Oh look at me, I'm making funny faces, standing on one foot with my fingers in the air cause' that's what I was doing when this picture just so happened to be taken without my knowledge".

Posing for pictures is a bummer, man. What's funny is the masterfully crafted photo bomb. This should be the new way. Instead of arranging everyone in the perfect order, people should surprise people for a picture and instead of yelling "say cheese" they should yell "photo bomb" and give everyone 2 seconds to arrange themselves. Yeah, I like it. It will result in a lot of spilled beers, but some pretty funny pictures.
Apparently cows are good photo bombers

In the new world, photo bombing will replace photo posing.


Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Rule #162: Radio contests

Yesterday I was listening to the radio as I was driving over to pick up my son and his 2 little dogs, Mr. & Mrs. Barky VonSchnauzer. (at least that's what I call them, the rest of world calls them Cody & Chewy).
 Yes, that's a picture of them below.
It's funny, when my ex got those dogs I was pissed. I did not want dogs. That was probably one of the issues that contributed to the relationship demise. Now, I love the little fuckers. They're so cute. I don't let on, but I try to get Chase to bring them over as often as possible. I think I fell in love with them one night when my ex was out of town. I had a party and woke up in the morning on the basement floor. Mrs Barky VonSchnauzer was curled up by my side tucked into my chest. My only morning com padre in an otherwise depressing, drug and alcohol induced haze. Ever since, she's been the champ.
Anyway, as I pull out of my driveway, the lame radio DJ is in the middle of a contest. I don't know what the prize was, but the skill challenging objective was to guess the color of his shirt. I know, I should have just changed the station, but I couldn't. At first I was listening to see what the contest was. Then I was listening to see if it really was what I thought it was. Then I found myself continuing to listen because I had to know what color his fuckin' shirt was! It was so lame. The dj was all like "Hello" and the callers were all like "is it blue?" "BLUE, no, It is not blue" "Is it red?" "RED! No, it is not red" "Is it black?" "BLACK! no, I did not wear the black T today". I remember thinking, this is so stupid, but it's green. I know it's green. Then I hear it: "Is it green?"... "GREEN! No it is not green" I couldn't believe it wasn't green. I yelled aloud "FUCK!" and smashed my fist on the steering wheel.

(Deep breath)
The point is, if your going to put a contest on the air and consume peoples time and attention, please make it worth while.

In the new world, there will be no "guess the color of my shirt" contests.
It was brown. Can you believe it? Fucking brown!

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Rule #163: News reporting

I watch the news everyday. Pretty much. And, as you may have noticed, a lot of shit gets on my nerves. But what really grinds my gears is when news reporters feel it necessary to interview the family, friends or neighbours of victims of horrible crimes or events. Tim Bosma is a good example. The poor bastard tried to sell a truck and ended up dead and burned to ashes. Holding true to my views on crime and punishment, I won't mention the name of the perpetrator. But Tom seemed like a good dude who left behind his poor wife, Sharlene. I feel sorry for the poor girl, but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy her tear filled speeches. I liken it to when hockey players speak between periods. You can enjoy the game, but you don't want to hear the players speak. When Sharlene would talk to the media, it was like she was the queen addressing her people. She had prepared speeches that sounded like they were written by Barry Manilow. All spoken through a waterfall of tears. It's not like I dislike her, but if one of my kin were killed, I don't think I'd be talking to the press. I'd be at home mourning with family and planning my revenge on the pieceofshitcocksuckerlosersonofabitch that committed the crime.

When I see someone talking to the world about how saddened they are about the loss of a loved one, I can only think one of two things. Either they love the spotlight, or the media makes them think it's the right thing to do. If the immediate family won't talk, the media goes after extended family or neighbours. Anyone who will speak about the victim. It's not like your going to hear any earth shattering news about the person. Honestly, just once I'd like to hear someone say "That guy was an asshole, I'm so glad he's dead". I don't know, I just think it would be funny. Having said all that, I use the Bosma case as an example of medias' abuse of victims to boost ratings. Truth be told, this was a horrible, senseless crime inflicted on good people and there will be none of this in the new world

In the new world, news reporters will report on what's important and leave the family alone.


Monday, 27 July 2015

Rule #164: Doctors' handwriting

 How long do doctors go to school? 8, 9, 10 years or more? You can learn a lot in that time. Doctors study all kinds of sciences and biology, maybe even psychology. It must be very time consuming.
But in that many years of study, do you think it would be that difficult to slip in a one month course focused on PENMANSHIP? Jeezuz! C'mon! If my kids brought home schoolwork with that kind of chicken scratch I'd ground them. Either doctors are going to have to learn how to write, or cryptology is going to have to be a regular subject in the school curriculum.

 I always thought it was kind of funny but apparently doctors'
sloppy handwriting kills more than 7,000 people annually. It's a shocking statistic, and preventable medication mistakes also injure more than 1.5 million Americans annually. Many such errors result from unclear and illegible writing on some of the 3.2 billion prescriptions written in the U.S. every year. Part of the problem is our over dependency on medication and lack of nutrition, but it's still preventable. It seems such a remedial problem. Just sitting here I can think of numerous ways to fix this:

  •  Have your secretary write the script
  • Type it and print it
  • Or... write neater!

If we, the people can think of ways to fix this right off the top of our heads, imagine if a bunch o' smrt people actually tried to fix the problem.

In the new world, doctors will be required to be able to write at a grade 5 level or higher.


Sunday, 26 July 2015

Rule #165: Clothes with logos

 If companies want to put their logo on my clothes, I consider that advertising. You should be paying me to wear it. I'm not talking about funny or clever shirts. I'm talking about the straight up, out n' out, blatant advertising of a company. Especially companies that made the shirt. Kids don't understand this, so we as adults have to help them understand and say no when they insist on having the brand name that's hot that month. It's not bad enough that we teach our kids to consume too much, but society also has to tell them what to consume too much of. Man, we have lost our way

It's time to get back on track. We have to start with our children. Because there's no way I'm going to buy a whole new wardrobe. But our Kids... Oh yeah, they gotta get it right. Actually, I have a great idea. Every school should have a day each week where the kids wear their shirts inside out. They'd get a kick out of it and perhaps this would be a good start to fixing this issue of turning our kids turning into walking billboards.

In the new world, if a company puts a logo on my clothes, they will pay an advertising royalty whenever I wear it.


Saturday, 25 July 2015

Rule #166: Advertising

 Advertising has grown to be an industry worth billions of dollars across the world. Online advertising alone is believed to be worth $24 billion a year. It's no longer just a bunch of dudes trying to
make things look nice and packaged well. It's a fine art now, honed by psychologists that try to manipulate children into buying products. Want your child to eat a healthy breakfast? Good luck. You're not debating with your 5 year old. You're Battling with a billion dollar, educated marketing firm whose job it is to maximize profit. They don't give a rats ass if your kid gets diabetes. Actually, it's very profitable for your child to develop ADHD symptoms due to the crap they ingest so pharmaceutical companies can peddle more drugs to kids. Try to tell your child they have to eat oatmeal for breakfast to give them a good start and they reply with "But moooooommy, I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs."

 Then there's the advertising geniuses that come up with misleading
marketing language like "Up to 25% or more!" Kind of gets your attention, doesn't it? Let's dissect that. "Up to 25%" is anywhere between 0% and 25%. And "25% or more" covers the rest of the numbers in the world. So, that's like saying "between 0 and infinity". Sounds a little vague and promises everything and nothing all at the same time.

 And the condescending advertisements by insurance companies trying to sell insurance to old people who are about to kick the bucket "Don't your loved one's deserve peace of mind?... of course they do". How the hell do you know what my loved ones deserve? Maybe all my kids are assholes who are just waiting for me to kick it so they can cash in.

In the new world, advertising will be neither manipulative, misleading nor condescending. A products integrity will speak for itself.


Friday, 24 July 2015

Rule #167: Things people say (that drive the rest of us nuts)

 I've touched on a few of these already, such as "you can't have your cake and eat it too" or "it's never too late" and the famous "can I be honest?". But to hit each one of these linguistic faux pas separately would take up every page of the rest of this project. Therefore, in the interest of summarizing all the evils of today's subject, let's take a look at as many as we can, shall we?:

New and Improved
How many improvements can you make to something that's new? If you're making improvements to something that's new, you must have made a shitty product to start with.

Don't judge a book by its cover

What better way is there to judge a book? Looking at the cover tells a lot. Look at the back cover if you want to get crazy and actually know everything about the book.

I'm only human
Unlike who? What's everyone else's excuse?

Same difference
You either don't understand what same means, different means, or both.

A pair of pants
It's only one item! We also have two arms. Why don't we say a "pair of shirt" or a "pair of coat"? What gives? We either have to start saying a "pair of shirt" or "a pant". And why a "pair of glasses"?

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
There's nothing killing me right now, so I should be getting stronger by the second, right?

I thought to myself
That's kind of how it works. Unless you're Dr. Spok's cousin and can do the vulcan mind melt.

I saw it with my own eyes
No way! Here I was, thinking that you saw it with someone elses's eyes.

Can I ask you a question?
Obviously! Goodbye!

I don't mean to interrupt...
Oh, I'm sorry. What were your intentions then? An interruption is a totally controllable act. If you don't mean to, don't.

You know what I'm saying?
Hmmm... Why did you take the time to learn the English language (assuming that you did) if you're going to ask this question after every third word? You either think I have comprehension problems or you doubt your skills as a speaker. Which is it?

Can we talk?
You obviously can, so are you asking me if I have the ability to speak?

All I know is...
Really? That's it? I gave you a little more credit than that but that does explain a lot.

All I gotta say is...
This is usually followed by the longest line of bullshit you've ever heard.

First thing's first
That's profound. Did you come up wit that all on your own?

If I were you...
If you were me, you'd be talking to an idiot that is imagining that he is me.

If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times
Just untrue. You're making yourself out to look stupid.

You know what?
Yep, so save the rest.

That's what I'm talkin' about
Actually, that's what I was talking about. Get your own ideas.

It's Always in the last place you look
No shit. Does anyone keep looking after they find the clicker box?

You got up on the wrong side of the bed.
Sure did. I knew something was going to be wrong with this day after I crawled from under the bed.

Good things come to those who wait
The leftovers come to those who wait, only after the active are done toying around with them. The good things come to those who take advantage of opportunities. Lazy people sure are good at coming up with slogans.

Better late than never
Not always true. What if someone is coming to collect money. If they're late, they're holding you up. And they never showed, that would be better. In this case, "better never than late".

I could care less
Saying this means that you sort of care or that you care a lot. This also goes for those who say "I could give a fuck".

The grass is always greener on the other side
There's dirt on the other side of grass. And dirt ain't green.

Why are all the good men taken?
What you really mean is you can't find someone that's gonna put up with your bullshit.

I need some space
Great, it's all around you.

Money doesn't buy happiness
Yes. All us broke people find comfort in this bullshit.

The early bird catches the worm
Maybe it would if there were only one worm. After it rains, there are lots of worms available for the picking- so much that there will be plenty of worms available when the late birds arrive.

That's the way the cookie crumbles
Oh, that's how it works... my personal anguish forces cookies to crumble.

Too many Indians, not enough Chiefs
This saying has too many words. I would shorten it to "too many Indians".

You are what you eat
I don't eat dudes. So please refrain from calling me a cannibal.

I beg to differ
I've never seen someone "beg" to differ. They sit there with their nose up and say "I beg to differ" in a condescending tone. That's not begging, that's admitting that you feel differently. I would like to see you beg, though.

That was then and this is now
Brilliant. I guess then couldn't really be now, could it? Do you have any other obvious revelations that you'd like to waste my time with

At the end of the day
Unless it's 11:59pm, you can't really predict what this is going to be, right? Unless of course you're clairvoyant.

 It Takes one to know one
No it doesn't. So if you know and idiot or a liar, I guess that makes you one as well. Better stay in a small circle of friends.

Get a life
Well if you know where to aquire one, please dispense this advice on my death bed, will ya?

I can't wait
Yes you can, you have no other option.

What comes around, goes around
Wrong. What comes around came around and left. Even boomerangs go around then come back. Even they don't come around, then go around again. Unless you throw it again. But you can't assume everyone is going to perpetually continue to throw it. 

I would like to thank you
I really hate it when people say things like "I would like to thank you" or "I would like to apologize". What does it matter that you "like" thanking people? Which is questionable. Just do it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Yeah, but with my other eye, you're ugly as hell.

I hate it when people don't understand what literally means and use it as if it were a synonym for figuratively. "I'm literally at the end of my rope"... I wish you were.

Everyone knows...
How the hell can you determine what everyone knows? Did you take up a poll to determine that every living individual knew what you are trying to prove? 

And here are a few that deserve honorable mention: 

There are no stupid questions
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask a question?

Cross that bridge when you come to it
Nah. I think I'm going to cross that bridge now, before I get to it, and when I reach the bridge I'll hand over my "already crossed this fucking bridge" card.

It is what it is
No shit! What the fuck else could it be?

Everything happens for a reason
Whatever dude. So what's the reason priests rape little boys? To teach children not to bend over in church? Good lesson, God!

Rules were meant to be broken
This is the only one I'm saving for it's own post. It deserves some closer attention!

In the new world, these sayings will be removed from the universal vocabulary and uttering them will result in dire consequences.


Thursday, 23 July 2015

Rule #168: Teen parenting

Teen parenting is a natural extension of, but very different from pre-teen parenting, and should be the beginning of the end of your parenting duties. Remember those times your teens did everything they were supposed to, when they were supposed to, without being told they were supposed to? Of course you don't, because that never happened. Take a good look at them. They're not babies anymore. Although I know most of us wish they still were. We start missing all the little kid stuff, but really we don't do them any favours by continuing to treat them like they're still 5. After rearing 2 kids in and out of the teenage years, I can sum up the most important aspect in one word.. responsibility. Give it to them. There's no better way to teach them how to become responsible adults. I mean really, they are adults now. I was out on my own by the time I was 17. With little guidance, a 15 year old should be able to look after the day to day tasks required to keep a house operating and certainly keep themselves alive.

We make excuses for our teens all the time. We still make their lunch because "they can't do it right" or we don't let them cut the lawn because "they don't know how". Well, that may be true but
we create those situations because we don't delegate those responsibilities to them. If they know they have to make a lunch or they don't get food, they'll learn pretty quick. I don't like to use the term "giving them chores". I prefer to consider it splitting up the responsibilities necessary to run a household. This gives them the understanding that they are contributing as opposed to doing what they're told. It's time to take it past the "get daddy a beer" stage. Some good examples of responsibilities you can easily start giving your teen to help them begin a life of responsible adulthood and ensure they don't turn into left turn lollygaggers or the type that needs shampoo instructions:

Pumping gas
Refill toilet paper
Cook dinner
Clean up after dinner
Shovel the snow

Take out the garbage
Make lunch
Tend the garden

Load the beer fridge

Just imagine all the free time you'll have now, to think of more stuff they can do.

In the new world, teenagers will be given the responsibility they need and deserve.


Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Rule #169: Investing

Financial investment in giant corporations. What better way is there to make money by doing nothing. Nothing except helping giant financial corporations make trillions of dollars by using any unscrupulous tactics possible. And we, as investors, can profit as well. with a clear conscience thanks to the magic of externalized investing.

No one would invest in a sweatshop that exploits children just make money, or support a company that clear cuts the land and pollutes the air and water for financial gain, would they? Of course
not. But do you investigate where all your invested money goes? I know I don't. Through externalized investing we can be supporting any or all of these activities and turn the other way and pretend everything is good without repercussion. The big investment firms that we give our money to send people all over the world to ensure they are investing in sound companies. Financially sound companies. I doubt that their checklist includes things like working conditions and environmental responsibility. The financial bottom line is what matters. That's what they're paid to do and they do it well. Every investor should be responsible for who they invest in. That's the only way to ensure everyone is treated fairly.
In the new world, it will be the responsibility of each investor to investigate the companies they invest in. If a company is found guilty of breaking laws that violate human rights or greatly diminishing our environment, each investor will share the burden of responsibility.


Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Rule #170: Greeting cards

 What a waste. Does anyone actually accept a card as a sincere offering of one's feelings. Unless a hand written note is included in the card, you might as well deposit that beautiful, bi fold feeling dispenser into the emotional chipper shredder. I don't buy cards for anyone. If I have something to say to someone, I say it. I don't need hallmark to express my thoughts for me. 
 Some people still feel it's necessary to give cards. When they are given to me, I accept them for the thoughtful offering they are and I pretend to read it with feigned interest. Then I say "Oh, that's so nice, thank you". Then I toss it at the earliest opportunity. I have always encouraged my kids to make me cards. They are the only ones I keep. And I have kept every one of them. They're great decoration for lockers and such.

In the new world, all greeting cards will be blank. They can have a nice picture on the outside, but the words will be your own.


Monday, 20 July 2015

Rule #171: Seedless watermelons

 Americans consume more watermelon than anyone else, and watermelons, like all fruit, naturally produce seeds, but these days, the preferred type of watermelon is one that’s seedless. Last year, the seedless variety comprised 73% of all watermelon imported to the US, mainly from Mexico—a dramatic shift from just a decade ago. Seedless watermelons have defeated their seeded brethren. 
Buying seedless watermelons, however is like buying organic apples that were grown in a Chernobyl orchard.

Bite into a so-called seedless watermelon, and you are sure to encounter the other, less-talked-about watermelon seed: white, soft, and translucent. They are the coatings of seeds that haven’t matured. In regular watermelons, about 5% of the seeds are likely to be these undeveloped white ones. But in “seedless” watermelons they predominate, a product of the fruit’s upbringing. It just feels wrong to call a watermelon seedless when its seeds are right there, glimmering in the summer sun.

 The point is, they are NOT seedless! Call them what you will but they have seeds. In my opinion, this is false advertising. This is one of the bullshitishnesses that I will not put up with in the new world. I got y'alls backs on this one. Ye shall not another watermelon seed eat ..... not on my watch.

In the new world, anything touted as seedless will not contain fucking seeds.


Sunday, 19 July 2015

Rule #172: Sweatshops

We all knows bout' sweat shops in ferrrin' cuntries. Especially since Kathie Lee Gifford actually addressed the issue of her clothing line being made in sweat shops. So there's no need to discuss the fact that Sweatshops (or sweat factory) is a negatively connoted term for any working environment considered to be unacceptably difficult or dangerous. Hmmm.. sounds like my place of employment... Only one thing will solve the problem of sweat shops, and that's Rule #1. Unfortunately, due to it's controversial nature, we can't release it yet. For now, we have some work to do to get us by. Obviously there's no easy answer or it would have been solved by now. So, what do we do? 
I guess an obvious resolve would be to pay these poor workers in Bangladesh an honest wage. The lowest minimum wage currently in Canada is in Alberta @ $9.75 per hour. (interesting side note: the highest is in Nunavut @ $11.00... Nunavut! WTF? Well I'll have NONEOVIT! That's too much for Nunavites Nunavuters Nun... that's too much for Eskimos) anyhoo.. So, if we raise the wage of our garment creators in developing countries to minimum wage, I guess problem solved. Or is it?... Why would we have our products produced overseas just to have them shipped here when we can just produce them here for the same cost? Doesn't make a lot of sense.
 Well, I guess we could pull our production back to North America and exploit our own children. So, instead of 3 cents an hour, the poor children of Bangladesh will make no cents an hour. Is that better?
Or maybe we don't want to fix this problem at all. I mean really, who wants to pay more than $7 for a T-shirt at walmart anyway? It's interesting to note that according to the National Labor Committee, women sewing NBA jerseys make 24 cents per garment that will eventually sell for $140. The bigger crime here is paying that much for an NBA jersey! If you're doing that, either you have too much money or you're fucking retarded. I'm going with both.

Eventually, Rule #1 WILL solve this problem. But while we're waiting until January 6, we need a stop gap to help these people. Personally, if I live in an area where the best I can hope for my children is to make clothing for self absorbed people who have to replace their wardrobe every week because fuchsia is so last week, I'm not having kids. Apparently they don't share the same mentality. If you're interested, you can find some interesting information and some ideas HERE.

In the new world, Rule #1 will ensure all workers are treated fairly.
And NBA players will be paid 3 cents an hour.