Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Rule #99: Receptionists

 If I fail at my job, there's consequences and repercussions. If you're the Walmart greeter, and you scowl at everyone, your days as the Walmart greeter are probably numbered. If you're the security guard at the airport and you stare at the ceiling with your feet on the table, waving everyone through, I'd say your next couple of moves in life are Walmart greeter then unemployment. In my opinion, receptionists have a bigger responsibility than making appointments and collecting payments. They're the front line in the war on mean, disrespectful behaviour. Think about it. If you're off to a shitty start of a day and you run into a rude receptionist at your first appointment, what's that going to do to the rest of your day? Now imagine the same scenario only with a kind, friendly smiling receptionist. EH? EH?.. That's a little better, right. That can change your whole outlook on the day. Which could create a ripple effect that can affect every interaction you have that day.
If a receptionist treats you un-nicely, they have failed at their job. This is part of the old world mentality. The New World will not tolerate un-nice people. No more mean people. Especially our front line workers.


In the new world, we are all going to treat each other with respect and kindness, including receptionists, who will be trained in psychology, AND paid accordingly.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Rule #100: Rules were made to be broken

When we hit our 100th rule back in April, we commemorated with a global anthem. This, too is a mile marker as we are 100 rules away from our New World. In honor of our achievement, I think it's fitting to address a key issue. Today we take a hard look at the old saying "Rules were made to be broken"..


.... Rules....... were made...... to be broken......... Hmmmm, Really? So you're into incest, rape, murder, thievery, tailgating? And I suppose you have no problem with your neighbour building a shed too close to your property line. Or his dog using your lawn as a shitter. I have to imagine this mantra was created by someone during a time of absolute conformity when people needed to rise up and create something different and dangerous. I picture the 40's or 50's when holding hands was reason to riot. Well that time is long past my friends and like many scribes of old, this one too has long since lost it's sheen. Not unlike how investment deregulation caused a monetary crash, moral deregulation is causing a moral demise of society and now requires regulation IE; RULES. Rules that are NOT meant to be broken.


In the new world, rules will be made to be followed, not broken.


AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 28 September 2015

Rule #101: Award ceremonies

And the winner is... Some pompous ass with delusions of humility.
 
 I still like the way the band "Godspeed you!" put it when they snubbed the Polaris awards gala.. "Holding a gala during a time of austerity and normalized decline is a weird thing to do" 
I couldn't agree more.

 I don't know the difference between a Grammy, Emmy, Oscar or any other over the top, pretentious awards show, but I do know the grammy's (originally called the gramophone awards) costs somewhere in the neighbourhood of $60 million dollars to put on.  In a world full of suffering and hardship, I find it fascinating we still find it necessary to glorify, worship and reward overpaid actors and musicians.
I love movies and music as much as anybody. But I don't understand why we pay actors so much. Nor would I bow before or praise any actor or musician. Sure, I'd blow my top if Jack Black showed up at the bar I was at and we decided to get hammered and piss off a bridge together somewhere. And If Jeff Bridges showed up at my door wanting to jam I'd invite him in, plug in his axe and get him a drink.
 But there's no reason to worship these people. Except maybe these 2 guys. And Brad Pitt of course. But that's it! I mean they're not all bad. Some are douchbags (Bono). Some are big douchbags (Bono). And some are ridiculously major douchbags (Bono). I've been waiting a long time to slam Bono.
The bottom line is, we treat these people like kings and queens as if they zhave worked hard to help move our world forward in some way. When really, they just pretend in movies or get high and record music. All the things I do in my spare time. I do respect what they do. It's just not worth gazillions of dollars, nor do I think they are to be worshiped or idolized and these awards shows are an extension of that whole mentality.
The great philosopher Homer J.Simpson may have been right when he said, "God only helps professional athletes and Grammy winners!" ... This mentality must go.


In the new world, extravagant awards ceremonies will be for people with real recognizable achievements. Not douchbags who give themselves one name and wear sunglasses everyday.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Sunday, 27 September 2015

Rule #102: Music programs for prisoners

 Some band I've never heard of - Godspeed you! won some award I've never heard of - Polaris... Pretty interesting so far eh? It's not surprising I haven't heard of this award as I hate award shows. I don't know what EMMY'S or GRAMMY'S are and nor do I care to. I'll get into that another time. What I found interesting here is that this band actually shares my viewpoint. They were awarded 30K for the win, and instead of thanking mom, dad and God (if that's what musicians do) they slammed the whole deal, saying "Holding a gala during a time of austerity and normalized decline is a weird thing to do" and donated the $30,000.00. Cool.

 Now, here's what got my attention. They donated the thirty large to.. get this, musical programs for prisoners. I didn't even know you could do this! Isn't that like funding crime or something? Why the hell would anyone donate money to someone who has broken the law instead of donating it to people who actually abide by societies rules and laws? I don't get it.
I wish I knew about this program when I was starting out in life. I would have done things differently. I would have stolen a guitar, got caught, went to prison, enrolled in the "Learn to be a ROCK GOD! for criminals" program, where I could spend all day learning how to rock that guitar like Eddie Van. And all on Joe taxpayer's dime. And when I've paid my debt to society, I'll be ready for the rock star lifestyle. If it doesn't pan out, I'll just steal a saxophone and re-enroll in the whole program again.



In the new world, excess cash will go to worthy causes, not prisoners.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Saturday, 26 September 2015

Rule #103: Airport bombs

 Ok. The rule on this one is pretty simple... No airport bombs. But I'd like to address specifically how airport security handles making sure no bombs make it on the plane. Have you ever been through airport security? Have you ever tried to walk through with a bottle of water? Well forget it! That crackerjack team of security professionals will have none of your bomb delivery shenanigans. Now take a second and think about how security handled that IED. It was confiscated, and a SWAT team was called in to secure it in a bomb diffusing device, right? No?



 Oh that's
right. Now I remember. It goes a little more like this. "Sir you'll have to put your water bomb in this garbage can here beside me before boarding the plane"

These are the bravest souls on earth. Checking travelers knapsacks with a garbage can full of bombs beside them. GOD BLESS YOU, water bomb collectors... God bless you.



In the new world, stupid air travel rules will not exist.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 25 September 2015

Rule #104: Goldfish bowls

 You know the kind I'm talking about.  The goldfish in a bowl has been one of the ‘first pet-experiences’ of choice for years. Just about everyone has had one. Unless, of course, your parents didn't love you enough to get you one. OR... perhaps they had the foresight to know it wasn't right. 
I'm talking about those little bowls that are barely bigger than my beer glass. We throw a little gravel in the bottom and a plastic plant then stand back and say "yeah, that looks just like the ocean." Then all that's left is the goldfish to do endless donuts trying to figure out which way is out and pray for an early death; which will come soon enough. I mean, what better way to teach your kids about death. Even though goldfish can live up to 20 years, you certainly won't have to wait that long. We teach our kids to kill them off in about a month or so through neglect and torture, sending them off to an all too early porcelain grave.
 Who's the aquatic ambassador that decided goldfish should be
the toy fish we give to kids or win at the fair or eat at Stag parties anyway? I ask you.. What did goldfish ever do to us, except be pretty and asked to be loved? Except those ones with the outside brains.. dem is ugly. But that's still no reason to abuse them. As if capturing these fish using methods such as cyanide fishing wasn't bad enough.

 The truth is goldfish need a lot of space. They also should not be kept alone for extended periods of time, as they are very social and love to interact with their fellow goldfish. Ever see a goldfish fight? Of course not. They're lovers not fighters.
keeping goldfish in bowls, vases or small tanks drastically reduces their life expectancy and quality, causes deformities, burns, stress-related diseases and they can even choke to death. In some countries, goldfish bowls are actually banned – and for a good reason.
Just because you can't cuddle a goldfish doesn't mean they should be treated as throwaway pets. At least they don't bark. Just like any other pet, they need space, a clean environment and company. In other words, their natural habitat.


In the new world, anyone who keeps a fish in a bowl will be charged with pet abuse.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Thursday, 24 September 2015

Rule #105: Cyclical consumption

  To quote the great George Carlin.. "Consumption is the new national pastime... Not too bright folks, not too fucking bright". He said it right! And he can deliver the message better than anyone. I see Cyclical consumption as the ugly red headed stepchild of over consumption. It's basically producing products that can only last long enough to continue our consumption cycle. Creating products that are built to last is just not profitable. As a matter of fact, without cyclical consumption, a monetary system would be impossible.
 If we only created products that we needed and lasted forever the monetary system would dry up. Efficiency, sustainability and preservation are the enemies of our economic system. Economic growth would cease and we would have.. hold your breath... no money. Ok relax, we have a shit-ton of money. We don't have clean air, water or good food. But we got mulah! So it's all good and the consumption cycle continues. For now.
Unfortunately our landfills are overflowing with the result of our mindless desire to consume. There are literally billions of cheaply made cell phones, computers and other technology filled with hard to mine materials such as gold and copper rotting in landfills.
 So the consumption cycle is damaging in more ways than one. First we have to create the products. Which means cutting down trees, burning fossil fuels, mining... etc, etc. Then we have to transport them and finally, throw the once loved marvel of technology away. Similar to finding a cure for cancer, there's no initiative to solve a problem that is so profitable.



In the new world, Rule #1 will ensure product manufacturers produce products that are environmentally and socially responsible.
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!


Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Rule #106: Keeping appointments

 We make appointments for a reason. We have things to do, schedules to keep, yada yada yada... That's why we call ahead and pre arrange meetings with our doctor, lawyer, prostitute, dentist...etc for specific times. If time wasn't a concern, we could just walk into any establishment and say "Hiya', I'm here for a prostate massage" "That'll be a five hour wait sir" "No prob, I'll just wait over here, got nuthin to do all day".
I was musing over this with Buck at lunch yesterday. Yeah, that's
him in the picture practicing bad lunch etiquette. Apparently he didn't get the message when I wrote about his lunch manners previously. It's really hard for me. I'll be regaling him with a mega interesting story and BLLLLIIING! His hands move faster than a fart in a wind storm to see what his girlfriend's latest update is..., but I digress.
He was right to be pissed off about waiting at his dental appointment for 25 minutes while being ignored by the ignorant receptionist. The true injustice is that there is no accountability to the dentist (or doctor, lawyer, call girl, whoever..) for wasting our time. If we don't show up to an appointment, we get billed for it. If they waste our time, nothing. Buck should be able to bill the dentist for his wasted time. And his time is very valuable. Those cats aint gonna feed themselves.
Got yer back Brystal!


In the new world, if you have a dr. apt at 14:00, when the clock strikes 14:01 you have the right to get up, walk to the examination room, kick the door open and yell:
 "Doc, If you plan on leaving that finger where it is, then snap a glove on the other hand cause' you're about to start double fistin'!"
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!
Or you can bill for your wasted time. Up to you.

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Rule #107: Tent storage bags that are too small

  I think I just figured it out. All the tent companies have a deal with "Funniest home videos". Here's how it went down; A bunch of tv execs sitting in an oak trimmed office, sipping on cigars and puffing on scotch. The tent boys on one side... Candid camera execs on the other. The tv main negotiator stands up and exhales a puff of thick cigar smoke.
 The tent boys look at each other as if to say "WTF?" Then the
negotiator says... "Look boiiish, you make them tent bags shmall, shee? Reeeeeeaaal shmall! We'll have cameras set up in them camping trees. At the end of the weekend when everyones plenty hung over and tired and tryin' to cram them big ol' tents into them wee little bags, well.... it'll be a riot. A real smasharoony it will! We'll air it and have em rollin' in the aisles."
At this point the tent guys are all like "but sir, how are we gonna get the tents into those little bags to begin with?" Negotiator replies "That there is your problem. Just get it done and we'll pay you a cool million smackaroos, shee?" Tent guys (in unison): "DONE!"

Well, that's the way I see it. If anyone has any other theories, lemme know. But so far, that seems the most logical. What other reason could there be? Below is a picture of something my daughter bought for me for my birthday. It's for covering my knapsack on rainy days. But look at it. I'm trying to get it back into the bag and the bag is almost filled and the thing is only half way in there. The only reason I can think of is so people can laugh at me. They must have a right good laugh at my expense. Well I aint playin'!


In the new world, tents and similar items will come with storage bags that have plenty of room.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Monday, 21 September 2015

Rule #108: Vehicle washing

 Ahhh.. Saturday. What a great day to ..ahem.. wash.. the.. car. Sorry, I had a hard time choking that one out. Granted, I care about my car about as much as I do my BBQ. Actually that's not true. I clean my BBQ way more than I do my car. It's not that I don't respect Trix (yes, my Toyota Matrix has a name. It's Trix, NOT Trixie. I hate Trixie. It sounds trashy and if you ever call her Trixie, I will fight you) uuuummmm, oh yeah, it's just that I see a car as
a mode of transport that gets me places when I can't use my bike. I don't enjoy washing it. Nor do I like wasting a precious resource on keeping it shiny. I have a neighbour, who I hope he never reads this because I'm sure he's a nice guy, but he washes his vehicles weekly. At least once a week. Probably more. I'm talking hose, buckets, brushes... the whole deal. I don't get it. It doesn't look like fun at all.
It's not like he's got 5 scantily clad hot chicks spraying water and suds all over the place and rubbing themselves against the windows and bending over the hood with their soaking wet daisy dukes riding waaaaaaaay up while their friends bend over provocatively and look over at me with that pouty look and suds dripping off their chin, holding the hose close to th.... uhhhhh......  yeah, no fun at all!
And the water waste is funomanal fonumonal fanominal ... it's outrageous! I mean, that's water my kids need to survive. Every time anyone washes their car with a hose it's like taking my kids face and smashing it against your car windshield . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . or maybe not. But it's a waste.
 A common myth is that the runoff from washing your car goes into the municipal system and gets treated. Not true. It actually flows directly into the storm water system which feeds directly to the streams, lakes and rivers in the community.
In the wastewater system, water is treated before rejoining the water system. Not so for storm water.
Commercial car washes funnel their wastewater into the wastewater system where it is treated. Many car washes also treat their water before flushing it into wastewater as well to remove grease, oil and other pollutants like radiator fluid or transmission fluid.
Personally, I'll let God decide when it's time to get the bird shit off my car.


In the new world, if vehicles must be washed, they will be washed in commercial car washes.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!
Sorry ladies. There's no pictures of Brad Pitt washing his car on the internet. Trust me!

Sunday, 20 September 2015

Rule #109: You say TomAto, I say TomAHto

Don't be stupid. It's tomAto! Unless you're a proper English gentleman. Which you ain''t. And I doubt anyone who ever reads this will be. It's tomAto. And after the creation of The New World allows us to put a fork in that two headed whore mother called.. "Bilingualism" our new unilingualism will dictate the pronunciation to be... tomAto.

In the new world, In the new world, anyone caught saying tomAHto, will find themselves on the business end of a flying cheetah donkey smash.
delivered by  
Dr. Phillip Buttersworth III

Dr. Phillip Buttersworth III
AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Saturday, 19 September 2015

Rule #110: Reverse parkers

 I try to back into my driveway everyday. My street is quiet. There's no traffic. However, if someone is following me, I opt out of the back in and drive straight in, out of courtesy for other drivers. This topic barely eludes the subject of parking lot etiquette due to the fact it can happen anywhere.
The drivers I'm talking about here, are the ones I have to deal with on a daily basis. I see it everywhere, but the parking lot at work is
the worst. No one wants to deal with at 5am. All I wanna do, is stop my car ASAP!.. Get out, not talk to anyone and get to my desk without incident so I can get a coffee into me before the bullshit starts. But too late! Commence the bullshit. Just as I'm zeroing in on a parking area, I have to stop in the middle of the aisle while the woma... er, I mean a person in front of me ignites those blinding reverse lights. Now you know what's coming and I'm thinking "why didn't I get a coffee before I got here?" She... er, I mean they start to back up, it looks good, but ooooo... didn't quite make it. So the white lights of ignorance are extinguished momentarily while the driver lines up for another try. This cycle repeats itself until they finally, successfully negotiate the skill testing reverse park. Instead of just driving to the next lane and executing the drive through park, of course. 


In the new world, reverse parking while holding up traffic will not be permitted.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Friday, 18 September 2015

Rule #111: Protesting Wal-Mart or any big box stores

 While watching the news the other day, I saw a story that reminded me of people who protest big oil companies. I heard there was going to be a protest at some new Wal-Mart grand opening. I've never seen any anti Wal-Mart protests, but as I'm thinking about it, I imagine the protest signs must read something like this:

"Enough with low prices"
"No more convenient locations"
"Down with great return policies"

 Listen, I don't like supporting giant, money eating conglomerates any more than you. But on occasion, I do find myself crossing the threshold of the almighty, giant big box stores when I need shoelaces and party straws. Where else can you get shoelaces, party straws and extra large condoms all under one roof? Think of how cumbersome small renovations would be if there were nothing but small ma & pa shops. We'd have to travel to Eddies electrical supplies to get an electrical outlet. Then drive to Peters paint shop for paint.
Then go to Harry's hardware shop to get a screwdriver, then off to the beer store. We'd get nothing done. Especially after you listen to Eddies arthritis problems, then hear how much Peter hates his wife and shoot the shit with Harry for a bit. That's the way things were. Then they changed. Why? Because WE wanted a change. I personally remember driving from store to store thinking "Why the fuck isn't there one giant store where I can get all this shit at one time?" Well like it or not I got what I wanted. Actually, We got what WE wanted.

Instead of protesting, I just avoid the giant box stores as much as possible. If there's no demand, they'll go away. However, as long as we feel a need to consume as much as possible, there will always be a demand. Ipso Facto... they will remain.
And think about this, where would we go to see those people of Wal-Mart?

  Protesting aint my style, but if I ever did decide to protest at a giant company, I think I'd choose Wal-mart. Imagine how convenient it would be; If you get thirsty, just run in and get a nice cheap drink. Or if the wind breaks your sign, you can just run in, hit the hardware dept and pick up some screws and repair items to make a new sign.


In the new world, we will protest with our actions. If you don't like oil extraction, don't use oil. If you don't like Wal-Mart, don't go there. If everyone agrees, the message will get through.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Rule #112: Public hot tubs

 Or as I like to call them "Public cesspools of bacteria, disease, snot, piss, child diaper poo and some other unmentionable body excretions that I'll leave to your imagination". We don't like to talk about it, but c'mon.. you know it's there.
Especially if it's a tub that no one has any personal connection to. IE: PUBLIC. I have to be pretty hammered to get in a public hot tub. And on occasion, I've let my defenses down and hopped in a giant pot of fag soup myself. But those times are far and few between. The thing is, you just don't know who's been in there. Aside from all the diseases you can catch while bathing
recreationally such as Shigellosis, E. coli, Leptospirosis, Giardiasis, Cryptosporidiosis, Schistosomiasis, Hepatitis A, Norwalk virus or Epidemic Viral GastroenteropathyNaegleriasis and Acanthamoebiasis, Dracunculiasis... etc...etc.. What if someone with a diarrhea condition was just in there? That's gross enough. And I believe that can give you pink eye.

 Now, anyone who knows me will have to cry Hippycrite on this one because I just purchased a hot tub. A giant swim spa that I plan to use as a cool down after bike rides. However, just to be clear, this is not a public unit. Nor will children, old people or nymphos be granted entrance. When it comes to public hot tubs, we need to know the history. Because you're not just bathing with the people you're bathing with. You're bathing with every person who's shared that water. Have fun! ... Not so fun meow, is it?



In the new world, all hot tub bathers will be required to sign into a hot tub database and your picture and medical history will be on display on the hot tub monitor.

AND SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN!