Thursday, 31 December 2015

Rule #7: Flashlights

This is one of those subjects that come to mind when I have nothing better to do than stare blankly at an inanimate object until I’m in a full-blown mental debate with it. So as I’m staring at my flashlight, I ask it, “why are you called a flashlight? You don’t flash and I don’t want you to flash.” As a matter of fact, the only time any of my flashlights have every flashed is when I really needed them to stay on and I end up smacking it off the palm of my hand to make it stop, hoping I can squeeze the last little bit of battery juice out of those batteries I’ve neglected for 2 years.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to call them “portable lights” or “emergency lights”? I know some flashlights have the option to flash, but I think that’s more of an option that you would use as a safety beacon when you’re in trouble. There’s no way you would want a flashing light when you’re trying to find the last beer in the house during a blackout. Or what if you’re reaching for your toothpaste but you left your preparation H on the same counter. You need clarity and certainty in that situation. Not a flashing beacon. Because no one wants a mouthful of ass cream. Or an assful of mouth cream, for that matter. That would just be unsafe. Unless you’re hosting a Saturday night fever party, you don’t want your emergency back up light to flash.

In the new world, flashlights will be called portable lights!

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Rule #8: Sesame seeds

There are many things in this world we could really live without, and as I ponder the list of useless things that are more annoying than useful, I’d have to put sesame seeds very near the top of that list. Somewhere between Left turn lollygaggers and greeting cards. Is it even factual to call them seeds at all? Has anyone ever planted one? What would grow? A sesame tree or a sesame flower? All they’re any good for is falling off bagels and getting stuck in your teeth. And flavor enhancement? Whatever dude!

Think of all the ingredients that go into the making of a Big Mac; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions all on a sesame seed bun. Now, if you had to eliminate one of those ingredients, which would you choose? Unless you really hate one of those ingredients, the absence of sesame seeds would not change the taste one iota.

I’m actually starting to think sesame seeds are a product of the Nazi regime. Think about it, man. What was the symbol of the Nazis? The SS, right? And what are the initials of Sesame Seeds? You got it! SS. It seems pretty obvious to me. I don’t know what Hitler was thinking when he invented these Nazi seeds, but his plan was obviously successful. We still use them liberally. But we can’t go on this way. The evil seed must be exercised from our diet before we can create a better world. You’ve had your day in the sun, evil seed! Time to say ciao.

In the new world, all resources dedicated to sesame seed production will be redirected to more important causes. Like curing hangovers!


Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Rule #9: Playing matchmaker

Do you know when is a good time to play matchmaker? Usually never. I would say the only time that hooking people up is appropriate, is if someone actually comes to you and requests to be introduced to someone else you know. Otherwise, it’s best to stay out of it. Although I assume setting friends up with each other is an act that is born out of good intentions, it may not always end in a fairytale romance.

When you set people up together, you’re making some assumptions. Like the fact that the parties don’t want to be single. Being single is not the end of the world. Some people actually enjoy it. Not only that, what if you’re trying to set up a dude with one of your friends and the dude is actually gay and hasn’t come out of the closet yet? Ever think of that?

You also have to think about the fact that you may be insulting your friends’ intelligence. It’s like saying, “Look how good I am at being happy. You obviously can’t figure it out so I’ll do it for you”. Let people find themselves. I wonder if John Wayne Bobbit is still friends with the people who thought he should hook up with Lorena?

In the new world, people will not play matchmaker unless they are asked!


Monday, 28 December 2015

Rule #10: Wimpy Kids

How did kids get so soft? What was it that began this age of child entitlement and wimpyness? We’ve created a generation of fat kids who can’t go outside or eat nuts and are all ADHD positive. I’d like to go back in time and present to our forefathers one of their great, great, great fat wimpy grandkids and say, “He’s on meds because he won’t pay attention and can’t eat nuts”. Then I’d stand back and watch the fireworks.
I bet great grand pappy Bennett would open his eyes wide in agitated disbelief, raise those giant black caterpillar eyebrows until they touched his hairline and unleash a torrent of something I couldn’t even imagine. By the time he was done, the child would be laying on a bed of nuts with a peanut butter sandwich stuffed in his mouth and great grand pappy Bennett would be rolling down his sleeves like a priest that just exercised the ADHD demons.

School is the worst. School used to be a place to fear. Now the teachers just recommend drugs to calm your child down and turn them into zombies. You think the zombie apocalypse is a myth created by the video game industry? Think again! It’s real. Once all kids are on ADHD meds, they’ll turn into zombies and we’ll have to shoot them. Thanks a lot pharmaceutical companies. Now who’s going to cut my lawn and shovel my driveway? Today’s kids can’t sing the Anthem or say the Lord’s Prayer in school because of Hairy Krishna or Ali Baba or some shit. They can’t say Christmas. They can’t take treats or even a peanutbutterfuckingsandwich! They can’t throw snowballs. They can’t even wear Halloween costumes to school anymore.
The time to stop babying our children is now! We’re not doing them any favors. When they get out on their own, no one is going to coddle them in the workforce. Trust me! Feed them healthy food and make them trade their controller for a hockey stick or a football. Let them get hurt, throw a bandage on them and send them back outside! Give them chores and don’t feel bad about enforcing the rules. They’ll be stronger for it.

In the new world, kids will be forced off the T.V. and sent outside everyday for the period between school end and 6pm!


Sunday, 27 December 2015

Rule #11: Credit and borrowing

Credit cards can be a convenient and economical way to handle daily funds. Used wisely you never have to worry about carrying cash and most cards offer incentives that will get you free shit. But be careful, young ones… take heed. The #1 rule is don’t carry a balance long enough to incur interest. Even before you start using a card for day to day purchases, create a back up plan such as a line of credit so if you ever do run into trouble, you can carry that loan on a low interest LOC as opposed to a 30% credit card. Don’t borrow money from high interest credit card companies for shit you don’t need or things the credit card companies tell you that you can have. People get divorced and commit suicide over debt.

Loans should be for emergency funds only; a shelter in which to live, transportation to get to work… that sort of thing. Not a new 5,000 inch big screen or a giant pool with a swim up bar. If you want that stuff, save up and buy it when you’ve accumulated the necessary funds. Because if you run into trouble, your debtors are not going to become sympathetic to your cause and broker a deal between the pool company to forgive some of that debt. No sir! As a matter of fact, the money hungry banks that hold that debt start seeing dollar signs. If you can’t pay, it means a giant payday for the banks and credit companies in the form of interest. Tons and tons of interest and if things get bad enough it becomes interest on interest.

Massive debt destroys lives the same as alcoholism and drugs. If you advertise debt the way credit cards do in their campaigns, you are no different than a drug dealer. I have no sympathy for a credit card company that losses money because someone declares bankruptcy due to debt accumulated on a card that was sold through an advertising campaign. If you loaned money to someone who was not in a position to handle your card, you should have done better research instead of advertising without discretion, thriving on the American dream. Advertising for debt should be illegal. Just because there’s a big bank name attached to it, don’t trust them. They are just the offspring of that two-headed whore mother, Greed and Avarice.

In the new world, lenders will make loans for necessities only and will not be allowed to advertise!


Saturday, 26 December 2015

Rule #12: Boxing day

Today’s post will have to be short, as writing doesn’t fit into my usual list of boxing day traditions. Boxing day at my house is a trifecta of tradition. It involves 3 basic things: Jam Jams, hockey & feats of strength. In very basic terms, a day of enjoying the fruits of your labors. You work hard all year and you run around for a month straight trying to figure out how to satisfy all the stupid gift exchange traditions and get all the meals and get-togethers out of the way until finally... it’s Christmas night and you can reflect on the fact that you did it. Another successful Christmas. Congratulations. So how do you celebrate? If you don't mind, I'll make a few suggestions.

1. The best hockey of the year begins this day, so treat yourself to some heaping helpings of great hockey. Of course you must root for the correct team.

2. Don’t be afraid to have a couple of drinks and relax.

3. Stay in your jam jams all day.

4. Think about all those Boxing Day sales, then sit back and relish in the fact that you have enough and you don’t give a shit.

5. Don’t leave the house. There aint nothin’ out there worth going out for.

6. It IS called boxing day, so it would be prudent to have some boxing gloves on hand to play with after hockey.

You know what, all I’m sayin’ is relax, watch hockey, eat crap, stay in, get drunk, tell everyone how much you love them and maybe give them a shot in the face with a boxing gloved hand. After 46 years on the planet, I’ve put some old experiences together to give you this advice; do whatever you want on boxing day. It’s your day. And as creator of the new world, I give you permission.

In the new world, boxing day is YOUR day to do whatever you want, but I highly suggest getting drunk with loved ones and watching some good hockey!


Friday, 25 December 2015

Rule #13: Christmas

First things first. It’s CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS tree, CHRISTMAS presents, CHRISTMAS decorations… CHRISTMAS! If you don’t like the word, don’t say it. But stay the fuck outta my face, cause’ nobody wrecks my Christmas but me! If you come from a world where Christmas violates your ideals, perhaps Christmas is a good time for  a vacation back home.

The next order of business is gifting. Are all the gifts really necessary? I can remember gifts piled so high, you couldn’t even see the tree. And I aint rich. With low quality shit from China, everyone can have tons of useless shit now. The best gift I can give now is the education of over-gifting. All those crappy toys are just going to end up in the landfill in the New Year anyway. Not to mention all that excessive packaging. I’m teaching my family to scale back. They’re starting to understand that it’s more about getting together and getting drunk with family than it is about gifts. I mean they REALLY ARE getting it. Everyone talks about it, but the mega-gifting still seems to dominate the Christmas theme. I believe we’re at least starting to give it some serious thought. And I have a “nothing from China” rule this year. I guess my stocking will be bare, but I love the fact the kids are actually thinking about where all our crap comes from and why. It’ll be interesting to see what they come up with.

Everybody needs stuff. So if you feel a need to give, get people what they need. Don't feed the over consumption monster. I’m talking about things like butter, toilet paper or penicillin (if you constantly engage in unprotected sex with cheap hookers). Stuff like that. We can make this so easy for each other. Through the magic of email, you can send out an electronic Christmas list. That’s what I do. And what do I want...? Well, I want practical, useful, consumable stuff that we all need… Olive oil, beer, bike chain oil, bottle of rye, soap, bottle of vodka, granola bars, beer, chips, bottle of Irish cream… basically the necessities.

Finally, I just want to say that Christmas is my favorite time of year. It always has been and I hope it always will be. I love the parties, the friends, family and not going to work. This is a time to put aside all differences, get along and be happy. And the one thing I feel strongly about, is no one should be alone. So if you know someone who will be alone, reach out to them.
In the new world, Christmas will be a time to get together, reduce wasteful gifting and no one will be alone.


Thursday, 24 December 2015

Rule #14: Impulse buying

Not only does impulse buying contribute to the ever-growing mountain of made in China crap that we call our landfill, but in some extreme cases it could lead to spending up to and including $25,000.00 on something as useless as a giant tub of hot water in a backyard that never gets used and just becomes a giant, energy sucking albatross of shame. I know that sounds ridiculously extreme and you’re probably thinking “no one would ever do that" but I’m sure it’s happened somewhere. I bet even some hippy environmentalist germaphobe has fell victim to this type of impulse buy. Could you imagine how fucked up that would be? Not only would that make him a hippycrite, just imagine a germaphobe with a hot tub big enough for 20 people. What would he do when friends came over and wanted to hop in the tub? Imagine all the excuses he’d have to come up with to keep all the kids, old people, hairy dudes, fat chicks and generally unsanitary people out. That would just be ludicrous, so we have to try to make sure this never happens by curbing the impulse buying habits before it’s too late. Let’s get some pressure on the manufacturers of our world to take some responsibility for this.

In the new world, it will be the responsibility of product manufacturers to ensure that the products they produce are not only necessary, but also a good fit for the customer.


Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Rule #15: Pharmaceutical incentives

It was just announced that a big pharmaceutical company (GlaxoSmithKline) is going to stop paying doctors to promote its drugs and sever the link between pay for its sales representatives and the number of prescriptions physicians write. How noble of them. I can’t believe they’re openly admitting to offering these types of incentives in the first place. Where the hell are our government representatives in all this? Shouldn’t it be illegal to financially compensate a doctor for pushing a certain medication? Medicines are supposed to be for people who NEED them. Not sold to as many people as possible to maximize profit like a cheeseburger. This is another fine example of how we allow the almighty dollar to trump common sense and self respect.

Glaxo’s move to end these incentives sounds like a respectable move on their part, but in reality the move comes as drug companies face closer scrutiny on how much they pay doctors under new US legislation, known as the Sunshine Act.

Doctors should be looking for drug free ways to help patients instead of pushing pills to line their pockets. And the fact that there is no legislation to prevent this is extremely unsettling. We shouldn’t need legislation. Doctors should be able to self-police themselves to make the right decisions, but unfortunately, we don’t live in that world. Yet.

In the new world, any incentives for pill pushing will be outlawed and punished.


Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Rule #16: Chivalry is not dead (but it doesn’t belong at rock concerts)

So last night I’m at the Headstones concert and I see it again. This new ritual that is destroying the holy grail of concert going. The undoing of the front row, center stage experience. There was a day when this would not stand. This bullshit would not stand, man. When I go to see my favorite bands, I wanna be right down in it. I mean right against the stage getting bashed around with everyone and hand slapping the lead singer the way I did when I was crowd surfing at Black Sabbath when Tony Martin was the lead singer. That’s right Tony Martin; my third favorite Black Sabbath singer. #1 is obviously the late great R.J.D. (Ronnie James Dio) for those of you who are not metal fans. #2 is Ian Gillan who only did one album when he took a break from Deep Purple to sing on Born again which still remains one of my favorite Black Sabbath works. #3 is Tony Martin, as I mentioned and #4 is… You guessed it - Ozzy! That’s right, my least favorite Black Sabbath singer is the prince of darkness. Atypical to most Black Sabbath fans, but after seeing Black Sabbath with Tony Martin, the immortal R.J.D. and Ozzy I finally had the rock epiphany that Ozzy is a fucking retard. And once you start a reality show about your dysfunctional family, you confirm said retardedness to the world. But I digress.

Now, to my point. Here’s what’s happening at concerts these days. Just before the band comes on as we’re jockeying for position in front of the stage, a row of bitches stakes claim to the front row against the stage. Then, like the good royal subjects they are, the male of the species sets up a guard around the female. Both hands on the metal fence separating the stage from the crowd. One arm on each side of the female to protect her from the mosh pit. It only takes 5 or 6 of these set ups to take up the entire front of the stage so no one can get up there. So us true fans are relegated to second row at best. It aint right. And like the true, polite Canadians we are, we respect the chivalrous fortress. This would not take place back in my hay day, no sir. If you bring a chick to a heavy concert either stay away from the stage or get into it. Shit is gonna get real in front of the stage so be prepared.  You’re going to get banged around and you should expect to take a boot in the head from a passing crowd surfer. And that is prime real estate you’re occupying, so expect to share.

And maybe I jumped the gun on putting Ozzy below Tony Martin. Maybe I’ll give him shared position for third with Martin. But nobody fucks with Ronnie.

In the new world, anyone in the front row is fair game mosh meat.


Monday, 21 December 2015

Rule #17: Multi-use helmets

If you’re half the athlete I am, you probably have a shit-ton of safety equipment lying around. I’m probably the #1 snowboarder, top hockey player and fastest cyclist in my town. That means I have pads, skates, sticks, gloves, glasses, goggles, special shoes, jock straps and helmets. Three different helmets. Most of the equipment is sport specific, but what’s up with helmets? Is a bike helmet really any different from a snowboard helmet? If you’re going to reference that little clip on the back of a snowboard helmet that keeps your goggles on, forget about it. First of all, if you bike in the winter you need goggles anyway. Secondly, if you only bike in the summer, I’m sure that little clip aint gonna cause you no harm. Why the hell can’t bike and snowboard helmets be interchangeable? The spill you would take in either sport seems like it would be similar. Except, of course you’re not likely to get run over by a car on a ski hill. For that matter, I think one helmet could do for snowboarding, biking and hockey. One cool looking helmet for all sports.

It a friggin’ conspiracy, I tells ya! Those damn corporations are sticking it to us again, trying to tell us what we need. And we’re all like; “Oh yeah, I can’t wear my snowboard helmet on my bicycle, that’s ridiculous.” Whatever dude. Who gave these corporation heads this all-knowing noggin knowledge anyway? Once again I can see those fat, suit wearing, scotch sipping, cigar puffing, money mongering, grey beard wearing, no exercise getting, lobster eating, Cadillac driving, mansion owning, butler hiring, over consuming business execs, … I forgot where I was going with that. Oh yeah, I can just see them sitting around the over sized, oak trimmed, high ceiling board room, laughing about all the extra profits they’re going to make because they’ve fooled us into thinking we need these specialized helmets for everything we do. Why do they have to be such jerks? They should be using their big, grey haired, over sized heads to help us live happier lives. Not screw us over.

What’s next? A coat for walking and one for strolling?  Pants for sitting and pants for standing? Well I’ve had it with this type of corporate corruption. I’m going to develop an all purpose helmet, market the shit out of it and put all those fat, suit wearing, scotch sipping, cigar puffing, money mongering, grey beard wearing, no exercise getting, lobster eating, Cadillac driving, mansion owning, butler hiring, over consuming business execs out of business! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! And when I make millions I’ll be able to get fat and afford good suits, scotch, cigars, lobster, Cadillacs, mansions, hire a butler…. For now, I’ll just wear my snowboard helmet on my bike.

In the new world, there will be a CSA approved multi use helmet.


Sunday, 20 December 2015

Rule #18: Getting stuck on the ski lift

Everyone loves getting stuck half way up the ski lift, right? What’s that? You hate it? (enter deep announcer voice) WELL NOT ANYMORE! Not with the 365 Rules; rule #18. From now on, if a ski lift is stuck for more than 15 minutes, a small service cable will be deployed that will deliver free beer to each and every lift passenger. Every 15 minutes this cable will be re-deployed. What could make being stuck on a ski lift more enjoyable than free beer?  That’s right, nothing!
Just imagine passing the time away with your seatmate over a nice cold beer. You can pretend you’re in the most prestigious bar in the world. So prestigious, in fact that everyone gets their own cable car to took out at the scenery. Everyone’s always looking for an adventure these days. Sounds good to me.
Free beer can make even the crankiest son of a bitch lighten up. Unless of course you have the misfortune of getting stuck beside some cranky old fart who doesn’t drink and is pissed at the world because he spent ten years as a glory hole cleaner at the heavy petting zoo. But what are the chances? I don’t think too many cranky people go snowboarding or skiing. They’re all at home getting their snow blowers ready and complaining about kids who don’t wear hats.
I can’t wait for my first ski lift breakdown in the New World. The same concept would work for roller coasters as well. Unless you get stuck upside down in the loop. But what about the ferris wheel? Come to think of it, they should serve beer on the ferris wheel everyday.

In the new world, free beer will be served on ski lifts during break downs.

Saturday, 19 December 2015

Rule #19: Factory farming

A factory farm is a large-scale industrial operation that houses thousands of animals raised for food—such as chickens, turkeys, cows, and pigs—and treats them with hormones and antibiotics to prevent disease and maximize their growth and food output. You have to see it to grasp the gravity of the situation. It's worth checking into.
Dairy cows are given huge amounts of hormones in order to produce more milk. This means they’re milked way more than they were meant to be and the result is milk filled with infected puss and blood before it’s filtered.
The videos are unbelievable. Live chickens are handled like garbage. Workers grab chickens as fast as they can by the feet, haul them as fast as possible out of the cage and throw them into large bins with a small opening. The speed at which they work does not allow a lot of time for precision chicken placement. They smash their bodies and heads off the side of the bin constantly, sometimes decapitating them.
Sows (female breeding pigs) are raised in stalls so narrow the sow cannot turn around. This causes weak bones, wasted muscles, heart damage and excruciating cuts and abrasions. Poor air quality causes lung infections and other respiratory problems. I’ve seen videos of farm workers cutting the nuts off a new born pig. Mutilations like this are usually carried out without anesthetic and often lead to prolonged pain. You can tell by the screaming that the pig is not digging it.
The list of animal cruelty issues goes on and on, but there’s a whole list of environmental issues associated with factory farms as well. Confining so many animals in one place produces much more waste than the surrounding land can handle, polluting the water, land and air. The pollution from animal waste causes respiratory problems, skin infections, nausea, depression and even death for people who live near factory farms. Hog, chicken and cattle waste has polluted 35,000 miles of rivers in 22 states and contaminated groundwater in 17 states.

Basically, it’s a horrific, disgusting, sadistic environment. If you ever have the misfortune to spend any amount of time around one of these farms, you’ll probably swear yourself off meat. It doesn’t have to be that way though. We can send a message to these places and have our bacon too. Just be mindful of where you buy and what farming methods they employ. However, if you ever see the videos of factory farms milking cows, you’ll probably never drink milk again. But that won’t hurt ya.
In the new world, animals will be farmed the good old-fashioned way… naturally.


Friday, 18 December 2015

Rule #20: Affluenza

So we’ve let another spoiled brat off the hook on a morbidly retarded technicality. Being rich is now not only a free pass to abuse the environment, it's also a legal defense to commit murder. Nice!
Our latest subject – who’s name I will not mention based on the values I wrote about in rule #364 – was given a free pass after getting drunk on stolen beer, then driving his truck at 70 mph into a group of people fixing a flat tire on the side of the road. Cutting short the lives of 4 people who had stopped to help a stranger in need of help. The witness for the defense, a psychologist, said he "was the victim of a lifestyle of privilege and entitlement, raised without consequences for bad behavior". He got 10 years of probation.
So, let me get this straight (he said with squinted eyes while rubbing his forehead) “he was the victim of a lifestyle of privilege and entitlement, raised without consequences for bad behavior.” Now here we are, with the opportunity to finally teach him “consequences for bad behavior” but what do we do instead? Let him spend a few months in a pricey rehab center in Newport Beach, California – something more akin to a half-million dollar vacation paid for by his father. And this is supposed to teach him "consequences for bad behavior."?
Here’s what I say. Since the courts deemed his parents were to blame, lock them up for the 4 murders. Or, The next time this poor, abused child does something stupid, lock him, his defense lawyer, the judge and parents up in the same cell with him.
The affluenza type lifestyle used to belong to the top 1 percent that owns most of the nation’s financial wealth. But the behavior, just like a virus, has spread from there to the population at large.
The affluenza disease is spreading among all socio-economic groups. More families feel they can, and should, keep up with this conspicuous consumption at all cost. Kids of all demographics are raised to believe they deserve the latest and greatest must haves and luxury goods, from iPhones for five-year olds to the latest X-Box for 10-year olds, to designer handbags for teenage girls, regardless of what families can afford.
It’s a disturbing trend, and something to think about as we attempt to stuff more useless, undeserving shit from China under the tree this year.
In the new world, any lawyer that presents a ridiculous defense such as affluenza will be locked up with the defendant.